


Which to bury, us or the hatchet

by oneneuroticfan



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hockey, Explicit Language, Hockey, Homophobic Language, J2, M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 23:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 83,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1166127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneneuroticfan/pseuds/oneneuroticfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen Ackles was Jared's first real sexual experience, it was just one night, one drunken night of fumbling touches and whispered promises. 'Wanna let off some steam' Jensen had put it after a college hockey game.</p><p>Two years later Jared's still not been able to let go of that night. Maybe it has something to do with Ackles being the up and coming star of the NHL. So when Jared gets drafted and has the chance to play with Jensen again, both on and off the ice, who's he to say no.</p><p>But can Jared's fantasy guy really live up to reality?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forward Motion

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, purely for my own perverted entertainment and maybe yours, unfortunately these boys are not mine and none of this ever happened or will.
> 
> I hope you're intrigued by the fic and if so let me know and I'll write you some more. I'm also thinking about writing a prequel.

It'd been weeks of bright lights, stupid ties that threatened to strangle him and piles upon piles of legal papers. It'd been congratulation after congratulation. "Welcome to the Boston Bruins, Son." "Looking forward to what you bring to the team this season Jared." "Could use a few more with your kind of raw talent." Followed by the blinding flash of cameras, microphones stuck in his face just hoping for a sound bite from the freshly signed player and question after question after question. "Do you feel you're ready to join the big leagues?" "What are your hopes for your first Season with the Bruins?" "Think you've got what it takes to make it all the way?"

And even now, as he steps out, puts blade to ice for the first time since the legalities were all tied up, it still feels mostly like a dream, he's going to wake up any moment and find himself back in his room in Vermont, and he'll tell Chad all about this crazy dream he had over breakfast and they'll laugh over the absurdity of it all. But no matter how many times he pinches himself he's not waking up.

His heart's pounding frantically, hasn't really stopped since he'd put pen to paper and signed away the next three years of his life. He can still see Jerry standing proud beside him as the ink dried, can still hear his whispered 'I got you a spot kid, like I promised. Now it's time for you to step up, like you promised'. And the weight of it is almost crushing, because what if he can't, what if he's not cut out for this, what if this is the first and last time he steps out as a Bruin? The press are speculating on it, he knows that. No matter how many times Jerry tells him to stop listening to the press he can't. They've speculated over every inch of his game, that and the rest of his goddamn personal life and maybe Jared should feel angry about that, the invasion of privacy. But he can't, because he'd wanted this, he knew this came with the gig, he just hoped it was worth it.

He'd dreamt of this, maybe not this team, maybe not this age, but he'd dreamt of this, standing under the lights, stadium surrounding him, since the first time he'd sent a puck soaring through the air. He'd fallen hard that first time he'd scored, the ice unmerciful and unforgiving, and he'd smiled like he could spend his life just like that, ass bruised and numb on the cold rink. Despite all his expectations, he still isn't prepared for the reality of skating out onto the home of the Bruins, TD gardens. He's surrounded by players he's looked up to, aspired to be as good as for years, and they're skating around him, sparing him a nod here and there, a quick hello or pat on the back or welcome to the team, and Jared feels twelve again, all words caught in the back of his throat like the first time he'd seen a boy naked, skinny dipping in the summer, and realised he was more than happy about it.

Jared grunts in response, all he can get out without embarrassing himself, who knows what kind of words would spill from his mouth if he let them, well he does, the kind of words that got you a name as a crazy fangirl. And crazy fangirl though he may be, that's not really the first impression he's reaching for.

"Keeping it together?" A familiar voice asks and Jared turns to find green eyes locked on his. Jensen Ackles, first line center for the Bruins and NHL superstar, stands before him. Jared might have expected some recognition in those eyes, it's been 2 years sure, and it was only one night, but if he's honest he'd damn well hoped for some recognition. It's a night he hasn't been able to forget after all. But there's nothing, just a hard a edge, a steel to the voice that Jared hasn't heard there before and he swallows as he tries to damp down his libido.

"Better than you ever did, Jenny!" It isn't until Jared hears the second voice, all Texas drawl that he even becomes conscious of the player to the right of Jensen. Chris. Chris Kane Jared recognizes and can't stop the jealousy that rises in his chest as Jensen hooks an arm around the first line's left winger and traps him in a headlock. He stares on dumfounded as the two of them grapple on the ice. Jared's not sure if it's luck or extreme skill that keeps them standing. The two break apart and Jared clears his throat deflecting his eyes towards Kane as he realises his eyes have been glued to Jensen the whole damn time.

"Jenny here spent the best part of his first training session in the boards or face-planting the ice, wondered where the hell they'd got this kid from, thought for sure the coaches had mixed up along the way." Chris snickers and then scoffs in mock pain as Jensen punches him solidly on the arm, face like thunder.

"Weren't you the one that broke your nose your first training session?" Jensen throws back, before pushing off into the center of the rink. Chris merely shrugs at Jared, smile ghosting at his lips before he follows.

Jared's heart is pounding again and he's cursing himself, because really what did he expect? A handshake? A hug? A 'nice to see you again man!'. Whatever it was it hadn't been the complete lack of interest that he'd been faced with. And he can feel the anger just boiling below the surface of his current calm, because Jared Padalecki isn't forgettable, and that night, that night was damn memorable, one of the best he can remember and he'd shared it with that asshole! He just hadn't realised what an ass he'd been at the time, no he'd been only slightly preoccupied with the mouth to mouth, with the press of skin against skin and calloused hands teasing him into a frenzy. He'd thought about Jensen over the past couple of years, he'd be a fool to try to deny that especially to himself, but he can't reacquaint this Jensen with the illusion he realises he'd dreamt up in the past two years.

Coach Kripke calls the players forward, launches into his pre-training camp speech but the words are lost on Jared as he tries to dampen his anger, push the moment to the back of his mind, but every time he hears that stupid laugh or sees those green eyes crinkle as a smile breaks across Ackles' face, well it just comes bubbling to the surface a little hotter than before. He'll be lucky if he makes it through training without a broken nose himself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jared hits the showers and moans blissfully as the heat pounds against his aching muscles. It's day 2, he thinks to himself, it's day 2 and his calves are already tight, his hamstrings singing in sweet relief from the respite. Doubt crawls though his mind as he contemplates the weeks ahead, is he really cut out for this? It's a thought he hasn't really let himself entertain over the past few months, because this is what he's been building to, this is what he's spent the last 20 years of his life working for, and he's so close, he can't let himself fail now. He can't even contemplate failure, because without Hockey, without the NHL he's not sure he'll have anything left.

He steps out, towel slung low around his waist, and loses himself in the noisy thrum of the locker-room. It turns out the Bruins locker room isn't much different from the Catamounts, but as he dries himself off Jared's struck with a longing for just that. He'd dropped out of Vermont after his sophomore year, being drafted for the Bruins in the 1st pick and signed straight away. They saw potential, at least that's what he kept hearing. They thought he was ready for the NHL and at 20 maybe he is.

Still it doesn't stop him thinking about his friends, about Chad and Tommy moving back into the town house they'd shared last year, how they'd be starting training soon, how he wouldn't be there to defend their championship title. A part of him longs for that familiarity, for his team. Maybe the Bruins will feel like his team one day, but at the moment he merely feels like an intruder.

"So Texas?" Kane's drawl interrupts his thoughts and he looks up unblinking at the guy. "You talk?" Kane asks when Jared merely looks at him and it somehow gets through to him that he should answer, right? He's never been described as the silent type before, Jared isn't sure what's gotten into him, maybe it's the fact that one of his all-time idols is standing right in front of him, talking to him like it's the most normal thing in the world.

"Yeah San Antonio." Jared forces the words out, finally finding his voice.

"Vermont's a long way from Texas." Kane states, and Jared raises an eyebrow in response, just what does the guy mean by that, he's not the first person to move across the country for college, he doubts he'll be the last. There's a question on his lips before Kane cuts right in front of him hands held up. "Hey, I read."

Jared's smile falls at that, there's no way to know how much Chris knows, how far into the tabloids he's gotten. Maybe that's as far as he'd read, just a standard article about Jared joining the Bruins from Vermont but he's not quite that hopeful. Jared doesn't want to see disgust or pity or anything aimed at him from the guy he was thinking just maybe he could get along with and he closes in on himself, tries to make himself smaller, as if a 6'4" guy could ever be small. If Christian notices the change in Jared he doesn't let on, just rumbles on through.

"From Dallas myself." He concedes. "Jensen too."

And that's all it takes to draw Jared's attention to Jensen, a nod of Kane's head to his right and he's turning, his eyes taking in the half naked man. His mouth goes dry, an identical white towel to Jared's is hanging precariously from the guys hips, his short light hair wet sticking out at odd angles dripping water down his torso. The droplets cling to Jensen's chest and Jared has to hold himself back from reaching out, from licking them away. The guy's a jerk, he tries to remind himself, doesn't matter how pretty, how hot he is, doesn't matter how good Jared knows it'd be, the guy's a jerk. Jared shakes his head as if to clear it from the sexual haze he's falling into and turns back to Chris. But he knows now, he's seen Jensen, knows that body's just a flick of his eyes to the left. He has to consciously hold Chris' gaze, the temptation to peek, even just for a second, too much. One look would turn into a long look, which would turn into a stare, which would no doubt lead to Jared drooling over Jensen right there in the locker room. And what a great entrance into the NHL that would fucking be. Goddammit he needs to get laid. At the first possible opportunity.

"Don't know how three Texans ended up so far from home." Chris jokes oblivious to Jared's sexual turmoil.

"It sure as hell wasn't the weather." Jared throws back and can't help being pleased with himself when Chris throws back his head in laughter.

"Now that, I know." Chris cocks his head, glances back towards Jensen, opens his mouth to speak then thinks better of it and Jared can't help but wonder which tabloid he was contemplating bringing up. And when Chris does open his mouth to speak, he braces for the worst, Fag, dirty cock-sucker, not fit to be human, or maybe something completely new to cut beneath his carefully built walls. "So, a few of the guys are heading out for some drinks tonight, you in?"

Jared's about positive his jaw drops, because that's the last sentence he'd expected and he fumbles over the words as he eagerly agrees.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Get the kid a beer." Chris shouts to Jensen across the bar before he turns to Jared, hand slapping against his shoulder in warm greeting as he starts the introductions. There's Mike his roommate during training camp, Steve a veteran Bruins defenseman, Tom the Bruins current enforcer and Justin the team's current number one goaltender. Jared feels slightly awestruck as he shakes the hand of each, is pulled in for a rough hug from Tom before he takes a seat next to Mike. He's shaking his head in disbelief, the heavy thump of bottle meeting table pulling him from his star struck daze and he looks up to the scowl of one Jensen Ackles. Seriously what is the guy's problem? He doesn't remember Jared, Jared gets that, but he hasn't done anything in the past 2 days that could have possibly pissed the guy off so much.

Wrapping an arm across Jensen's shoulder Chris finishes the introductions. "And Jenny here you already know."

Jared bites his lip a blush spreading across his cheeks, as he realises just how well he know Jensen and his eyes latch onto Jensen's unconsciously. There's something there, a hint of recognition maybe, mixed with a predatory glare and then it's banked down so quickly that Jared wonders if he imagined the whole thing. Taking a swig of beer he steadies himself, let's the conversation flow around him, but he can't quite keep his eyes from flitting back to Jensen every few minutes.

"So how does Bruins ice compare to college league?" It takes a few minutes for Jared to realise the question's aimed at him and he shrugs.

"Probably the same as you remember." He starts. "Ice is ice." Someone snorts in agreement and Jared continues. "I guess it'll be a little different with 17,000 fans watching. If I get that far that is."

Mike throws in a laugh. "Don't think there's much chance you won't make the cut, JT."

Jared's smile breaks out across his face at Mike's words and the easy way he uses the nickname he's picked out for him. His mind blanks out as the conversation heads into speculation over who will and won't make the cut. The conversation washes over him, he's too geared up to listen, to follow what's going on, because he's silently freaking out. He's here, he's hanging out with six NHL players as if it's an everyday occurrence and that's when it strikes him. It is. This is going to be normality for him.

"Think Boy wonder's a little overwhelmed." Jensen sneers and Jared's face flushes again.

"Nowhere near as bad as you were." Chris chimes in. "Didn't speak to anyone for a week and stumbled all over your words like a little girl when you finally did. "

"Bitch." Jensen spits back and Jared notices the slight pinkness of Jensen's cheeks at the comment.

"Dick." "Jerk." "Coc-"

"Guys." Mike cuts off Chris before his next retaliation and Jensen merely sticks out his tongue goading him. "They'd be insulting each other all night if we let them JT."

Tom takes over the conversation then, sinking into stories from Jensen's first season on the team, and how Chris had taken it upon himself to show Jensen just what a real NHL team was made of. That gets a laugh out of most of the guys, a curse out of Jensen and a wry smile from Chris.

"So you got a girl JT?" Justin pipes in as Tom finishes his story and the laughter dies down.

Faces turn in Jared's direction and he notices the quizzical look on Jensen's face, why should he care, Jared thinks, it's not like he even realises who Jared is.

"No." It's one simple word but it feels like Jared had to tear one of his organs out to say it.

Mike hits him squarely on the back, misinterpreting the emotion behind Jared's words. "Hey don't worry kid, we'll find you a nice girl."

Jared twists his fingers in his lap, picks at the label on his bottle. This is it he thinks, get it all out now and have it over with, or spend years hiding who he really is, from people he's pretty sure might become close friends. It's better to find out now right? Better to find out before he lets himself call any of them friends. He scans his eyes across the table, sees the twitch at the corner of Jensen's mouth, and his resolve steadies.

"I'm not into girls." The words fall from his lips, just louder than a whisper and he lifts his head in defiance as he waits the fallout. Sometimes it's disgust he sees in people's eyes, it's callous words spat at him, and friendships withdrawn as if he'd suddenly admitted he was an axe-murderer. Other times it's just small hesitancies, questioning looks thrown his way, off-hand comments that are neither nice nor insult. But as his eyes scan the guys at the table he doesn't see that, there's a mixture of curiosity, a little apprehension maybe and when he looks at Chris, there's not a flicker of surprise just pure acceptance, Jared realises Chris really had gotten through all those articles. His eyes rest on Jensen last and it's surprise that's staring back at him, surprise and if he's not mistaken just a little admiration.

Chris clears his throat. "Guess we'll have to find you a nice guy instead, kid." Laughter envelops him, there's a slight punch to his shoulder from Chris, a nod from Mike that it's cool with him, he is Jared's roommate after all and Jared feels himself relax. A warmth spreads across his chest and he can't hold back the grin he aims at Chris as he heads into stories about setting Justin up on dates. It's a long time since he's felt accepted and for a moment Jared let's himself hope that maybe here things will be okay.


	2. Let it all out

Jensen's grouchiness follows him back to the hotel, he can't say he's surprised given that it's followed him around pretty much all week, hell longer than that, it'd been hovering since he'd turned on the TV to a signing and a blast from the past. All he wants to do is sink into the comfort of his mattress and forget about everything because if he lets himself think about his night he knows he's going to come to the conclusion that he's been a dick, because, well, he has. But who can blame him really? Jared fucking Padalecki joining the Bruins had not been in his playbook. One stupid night of recklessness and it was finally coming back to royally bite him in the ass. There's no other way of putting it, Jensen's pissed and it seems Chris is finally calling him on it.

Jensen and Chris hadn't been fast friends, they hadn't just fallen into the laughs and the bickering, if they were honest they'd pretty much hated each other the first time they'd met. Chris had taken one look at the rookie and decided it was his job to make Jensen's life as much like hell as possible and he'd done a fine damn job in Jensen's opinion, and if you asked Chris, probably in his too.

That first year Jensen had thought it was personal, he'd spent several restless nights worrying about it, retracing his steps trying to find the moment he'd managed to fall on Chris' bad side, but as the dark hours ticked by he still hadn't worked it out. What the hell was up with him that a guy could take one look at him and forever hate him.

It wasn't till a few years later that he'd realised it was Chris' thing. He liked to push the rookies wanted to see what they were really made of and because of it he often got the best out of them. He'd gotten the best out of Jensen and though they tease each other about it Jensen knows he owes a lot of his career to Chris because by Christmas his first season they'd been sat next to each other, first line, and Jensen had been ready to show the ass just how much he deserved his place with the Bruins.

Once Chris had dropped his douche act and fate had decided to throw them both a curve-ball, in the form of having to room together their second season, they'd found that the two of them actually had a hell of a lot in common. That's how it had started, the words they'd spat at each other to hurt had lost their venom and become merely banter, harmless jokes and by the end of Jensen's second year they were pretty much inseparable. So Jensen shouldn't really be surprised when Chris finally decides to put his two cents in, the guy knows him better than pretty much anyone.

"This ain't like you man, you're usually the one welcoming the rookies, I'm usually the one scaring them off." Chris starts as Jensen drops wearily on his bed. He's got a nice buzz going just the right side of drunk. A buzz that has nothing to do with the new rookie, nothing at all. At least that's what he keeps telling himself.

"I don't like the guy". Jensen shrugs, dragging up his upper body to pull off his shirt, he doesn't want conversation, he wants to crawl under the covers and give himself over to unconsciousness for the next few hours. Chris merely smirks, pillow colliding with the back of Jensen's head and Jensen falls back on the mattress feigning injury.

"Come off it man, the guy is a puppy, what's not to like?" Chris' brow creases, face sporting a look of seriousness. "Is it that he's gay? Is that a problem for you?"

Chris won't think any less of Jensen if he says yes, they've been friends long enough that he'd deal with it and in all honesty, of course it's the gay thing, but not at all in the way Chris means. He could tell Chris, Jensen knows that, he could trust Chris to keep it to himself, but there's always that little niggling doubt in his mind because what if he looks at him differently? What if it changes things? No, no matter how good friends they may be there's a few things he still keeps close to the chest.

"It's not that." Jensen concedes sighing in frustration. "There's just something about the guy." Like every time I look at him I want to bend him over, feel myself pushing inside just to see if it's as tight, as hot, as amazing as the first time. Okay, so Jensen's got a serious problem, in the form of tall, dark and handsome.

"You're just jealous cos he's gonna end up on the first line by the end of the season and you're pissed he's gonna steal all your limelight." Chris smirks pulling up a pillow in defense before adding. "Especially with a pretty face like his."

Jensen can't stifle the blush that creeps across his face as he thinks of Jared, the boy sure grew up the past couple of years and rolling he buries his face in a pillow.

"But at least he won't steal all your girls." Chris barks out in laughter as the bathroom door closes behind him. Groaning Jensen tries to smother himself in his pillow, but fate has never been that kind to him.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

His hip slams forcibly into the boards and Jared barely holds back a wince.

"Enjoy the hits rookie." Rafferty adds before skating away. These guys sure know how to check. Jared stalls as he glides back into position, his side screaming in protest as he takes an extra couple of seconds to catch his breath. Feels like he ran into a goddamn wall.

Jared's used to taking his fair share of hits, it's part of the game and he's no stranger to meeting glass but today he can't shake the feeling that there's a little more to it than simple gamesmanship. All morning Rafferty's hits had been coming, the guy was wailing on him and maybe it was just a rookie thing, you know, a kind of hazing, at least that's what Jared hoped, however, Jared had never really been that lucky.

"Shake it off Padalecki." Coach Kripke calls out. "and Rafferty what have I told you about checking, we're training, stop trying to break the kid, that's what the pre-season's for."

Jared takes a seat next to Justin on the side-lines and feels his anger just simmering below the surface. There'd been something in Rafferty's eyes that last check, and Jared knows, despite not wanting to admit it to himself, that this is more than just regular hazing. He knew being openly gay in the NHL wasn't going to be easy, he knew there'd be looks and comments and rumors, but it's not like he's the first Hockey player to stand up and say he likes guys, and even if he had been he's pretty damn sure he'd have still done it.

Things have changed in the last decade, hell, things have changed in the past couple of years, and Jared, he's happy to be part of continuing that change. He likes to think that the years of confusion and fear and finally coming out would have been easier if he'd had that role model to look up to. Maybe he can be that now, a kid can say to his friends or his family that he's gay and that that doesn't change anything, that liking guys doesn't stop him from becoming whoever he wants to be, because, hey, Jared Padalecki did it, and you know, he seems like he's an alright kind of guy.

He's not proud of his sexuality, it's not something he brags about, but if someone asks him he's going to tell the truth, because he spent too many years being ashamed of himself for something he had absolutely no control over. It's just a part of him now, he's gay and he's accepted that and if that acceptance can help just one boy get to the place Jared's at, then putting up with dicks like Rafferty is something he'll gladly take. Though it doesn't stop the anger from shifting up a gear as the plays go by and the hits keep coming.

 

~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~

 

Everywhere hurts, and Jared whimpers in pain as he sinks down into ice water, his ribs are singing, his joints ache and he's thankful Mike isn't around to see him acting like a baby. Not that he thinks he's being a baby, not at all, but Mike wouldn't quite see it his way.

The guys had been planning to head out for food after training, hoping to grab a meal before curfew, but Jared had declined and grabbed a burger to go from the diner round the corner with every intention of passing out the minute his body had hit the mattress. That's when practicality had reared its ugly head, gotten the better of him, and he'd grudgingly filled the bath because going to bed without tending to his body would have pretty much put him out of action for tomorrow's training. And with the first round of cuts just a few days away, Jared can't afford to miss any opportunity to show what he's made of.

Jared's just losing himself in the quiet, when "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" plays out, jolting him in surprise, water sloshing over the sides as he fumbles for his phone managing to answer as "undress me everywhere" plays out. He's never letting Sandy near his phone again.

"Nice ringtone." A bright bubbly voice chuckles down the line and it's infectious, a smile spreading unconsciously across Jared's face in response. "Hey cutie!"

"You're never getting your hands on my mobile again."

"Are you in public?" Sandy asks, and the optimism in her voice has Jared holding back a laugh.

"Just me and my ice bath."

"Well that's no fun." Jared doesn't have to imagine the pout she puts on. "I would've loved to have seen your face if that had have played out in front of all the guys. I would've loved to see their faces more though! So how's training, make a fool of yourself yet?"

It's just teasing, he knows, but it hits just a little too close to home and Jared can't keep the uncertainty from his voice when he answers her. "Not yet, but there's always tomorrow right?"

The line is deadly silent before sandy finally speaks up. "What's up Jare?"

"It's nothing." Jared says as he pushes up out of the water, he's beginning to freeze his balls off but even as the words leave his lips he knows it's no use, he's never been a good liar and when it comes to Sandy she sees straight through him.

"Hmm I'm sure, come on sweetie tell me all about it."

Toweling himself off he builds himself up to tell her. It isn't relief he'd expected to feel but it washes over him, settling him for the first time in days, as he speaks. "You remember that guy? From Freshman year? After the Boston game?"

There's a hum of agreement and Jared knows her interest is piqued, he'd pined for weeks after that game and he'd never told her anything, just that he'd lost the big V, he wasn't going to see the guy again and no, he most definitely didn't want to talk about it . It had been partly because he was freaking out and then later when he could've talked about it he wouldn't because it wasn't really just his secret to tell.

"He plays for the Bruins." Jared throws himself down on the bed. It's out there, he's said it and if Sandy really wants to know it won't take her too long to put two and two together. She'd only need a list of players from that game and the list of players currently with the Bruins. He's just praying she decides not to push it.

"Well shit Jared!" There's a pause. "Is it awkward?"

"For me? Hell yeah! The guy doesn't even know who I am." Jared grits his teeth keeps on talking without really thinking. "And to top it off he basically hates me for no reason at all."

"Okay spill, tell mamma all the juicy details."

And then Jared is free-falling, describing their first meeting on the ice and the complete dismissal, the bar and the unearned animosity and Sandy just listens whilst he rants away, sympathizing when she feels he needs it and Jared realises he's missed this. It's only been a few days but he's missed her quiet understanding and the way she manages to put him at ease just by being her.

"Hmm." Sandy pipes up.

"What?" Jared asks.

"Maybe he does remember you?" Well that was a line he hadn't expected to hear.

"Excuse me?" Jared mumbles out, surprised he can even form words.

"Think about it Jare. He's obviously not openly gay, hey he might not even be gay. It might've just been a college experiment." There's a hint of sympathy in Sandy's tone as she lays that one on him and Jared shakes his head in disbelief, banging his head against the headboard.

"Oh well thanks for that. Don't I feel special." He's being a child, he knows, and he doesn't care, because he never even contemplated that, maybe he wants to just go back to thinking he'd just been a fuck. That didn't hurt his pride quite so much.

"Just imagine how you'd feel Jared if your long forgotten college experiment just walked right back into your life."

Silence. Jared can’t think about it. He doesn't want to think about it. He WON'T think about it. But Sandy's words just keep hurtling round in his mind.

It's her words that break the silence. "You'd be pretty pissed right?"

And Jared realises that yeah he really would be, but that doesn't mean he'd have been an arse. They could've just had a conversation, you know, talked it out and moved on. He snorts down the line at his own idiocy.

"Guy's still a dick."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, hope you're enjoying it so far. Again this is unbeta'd so I apologize for any mistakes.


	3. Pressing On

He's beautiful to watch, there's no other way of putting it, and Jared's pretty sure he'd get punched in the face for mentioning that aloud, because hey this is hockey after all and that is Jensen and he's not exactly Mr. Sunshine.

For a lot of people hockey is about the violence, the speed, the unpredictability, but this right here, this is what Jared watches it for. It's the way a player simply comes alive when they step onto that ice, the way they push themselves 100% and then throw in that extra 10 when you think there's nothing left to give. And tonight that's Jensen. He's graceful across the ice and Jared's never really noticed that before, sure everyone on the team can skate, but there's a fluidity to Jensen's movements as he turns, dodging a defenseman, pulls back his stick and lets loose. The resounding thunk of the puck hitting the net has the fans screaming again. "ACKLES! ACKLES! ACKLES!" The roar of the crowd is deafening as Jensen glides across the ice, stick raised in the air in triumph and Jared can't help but watch on in awe.

He glances at the clock, 9:45, they're past the half-way line, they're leading the Canadiens 3-2 and Jared's falling head over heels for Jensen Ackles. Again. Since he got here, since he'd met Jensen for the second time he'd been wondering what he'd ever seen in the guy, he'd been irritable, he'd been rude, hell, he'd been downright nasty. That wasn't really Jared's type but it's there, he can see it now, the fight, the drive, the emotion, it's right there on the ice for Jared to see and it isn't damn fair.

Restlessly the game unfolds before him, agonisingly they concede two, trail the Canadiens 3-4 and Jared can't feel anything but helpless sat on the side-lines. He's itching for the chance to get out there, to make a difference. A hand on his twitching thigh soothes Jared's nerves and he turns to look at Mike. There's a knowing smile on his lips.

"There's time." He says and Jared nods, lets out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding as the buzzer sounds signalling the end of the second period.

The mood is tense in the locker room, Jared looks around at the faces, sees the determination there, the will to win. It might be pre-season but each and every guy is playing for more than just a win, they're playing for a place on this team, for the chance to be a Bruin. And Kripke tells them that, he pulls no punches, and Jared kind of likes that about the guy.

"You want a place on this team? You gotta show me you deserve it, you gotta show me you want it! Each of you is better than that score-line, they're showing us up out there and it's like you're just willing to take it. Do you want to win this?"

There's a hum around the room before Kripke interrupts. "I said do you want to win this?" 

The players raise their voices, Chris' 'hell yeah' standing out over the rest and Kripke looks somewhat pleased with the response. "Then go out there and show me!"

The talk descends into plays and tactics and Jared suddenly feels more at ease. The people may be different, the crowd may be bigger, the players more recognisable, the team legendary, but right here in the locker room, nothing's changed, it's still all about what happens out there on the ice. And that's the one place Jared's always known he's good.

There's an added edge as they take to the ice for the final third. It all comes down to this, and it's like each of them know it. The hits are a little harder, the skating a little faster and the tension turns up a notch. Mike doesn't still his twitching leg this time. 

Jared's eyes are glued to Jensen, he hasn't got the puck, but he can see the wheels turning, can see him gear up to make his move and Chris sees it too. Chris is skating straight at the goal, Jensen to his right, defensemen on his tail. The goal keeper crouches waiting for the shot he thinks is coming. At the last minute Chris makes a pass to the right, Jensen doesn't hesitate, a gentle tap, the puck slides behind the goal keeper and sails into the net.

Jared can't help it he's on his feet with the rest of the team, the rest of the fans as they cheer Jensen on. It's two minutes in and they're all square, Jared watches as Chris embraces Jensen arms wide, and as Jensen's laughter rings out Jared can't quite shake the feeling that he should be out there.

With five minutes left in the game Mike puts the Bruins in front again and Jared's too lost in the shouting, in the sheer excitement of it all to hear Kripke call his number. "Padalecki!" His name breaks the haze and Jared turns to the coach. "You're up kid, show us what you've got." 

His palms are sweaty in his gloves as he steps out onto the ice, his breathing just a little laboured, this is it, this is his shot. He takes his position on the right of Jensen shooting him a broad smile, to which Jensen merely rolls his eyes. Focus, he mouths and Jared sets his jaw, he can do this, he can show them.

The whistle sounds, Jensen easily winning the puck sees Jared free, sends it his way. He doesn't fumble the pass, receives it smoothly and pushes forward, speed building. He's boxed in, a guy to his left, one to the right but he pushes on, looking for an opening, a pass and he sees Chris, far side, moving forward. He draws back his stick, trying to get off the pass as he's jostled from either side, but it doesn't deter him and he sends the puck sailing straight into Chris' path, he takes a shot and sends the puck soaring straight between the goal keepers legs. Jared doesn't see the goal, but hears the crowd go wild and then groan in protest as he's forcibly crushed against the boards.

He's vaguely aware of a whistle being blown as he struggles to get his breath back. The guy hadn't been any bigger than him, not many people in the NHL were, but still when a fully grown man slams his body into yours, trapping you between wall and him, it takes a while to push through that pain. Jared shakes his head to clear the haze and finds Mike in front of him. "You good?"

"Yeah, I'm not that fucking delicate, man." He grits out, his side is stinging but he's had worse, he's played through worse, he can play through this. 

"Coulda fooled me." Chris laughs as he skates past, turns to look back and shouts over the crowd. "Nice assist JT." 

And Jared's smile blooms across his face as he looks back at Mike, because he just made his first assist in the NHL, he opens his mouth to say something, but he's too stunned for words, and Mike just chuckles at him as he pushes him off into the middle of the rink.

There'd been doubt he realises. He'd doubted himself. Maybe he wasn't good enough, maybe the NHL was too big for him. There'd been all those expectations, the fans, the coaches, his manger and even from himself. They'd been weighing down on him, still are, but it feels like it's just a little lighter now, because it's just Hockey and Jared feels like he's home.

The Canadiens' 43 makes his way off the ice as the ref signals a two minute penalty for interference, and the defensemen change, Steve slapping Jared's back in congratulations as he takes to the ice. The power play is about to start and Jared's still out there, he'd half expected that would be it for his first game, not that he's complaining. 

He wills his brain to focus as he thinks over the plays, he's memorized them could describe them in his sleep, but putting it all together out there on the ice is a whole other thing. It feels like a dream, it's all playing out in slow motion in front of him, Jensen winning the face-off, making a pass behind to Chris and they move forward, Chris weaving, Jensen at his side, and Jared recognises the play, gets himself free as he follows them into the offensive zone.

And then the puck is at his feet, cradled by his stick and it's just him vs. the goal, he draws back faking left, sees the goalie take the bait and shoots, his heart in his throat as the puck hits the right top corner and Jared stares in disbelief.

The crowd is chanting. "PADALECKI! PADALECKI!" That's his name right? The crowd is chanting his name and Jared just stands there to the right of the goal, eyes scanning around the arena. He just fucking scored!

Chris is there and Jensen and Steve and there's words but he can't make them out, can't understand and he just smiles goofily at them as they surround him, pats on the back, punches to the shoulder and Jared's heart aches, he's never felt as part of something as he does out there, with his team.

Jared makes his way back to the bench feeling on top of the world, and Kripke slaps a hand against his back before he takes a seat. He'd been waiting for something, he'd felt like an outsider an intruder, but this moment, as the guys tease and congratulate he suddenly feels like one of them. And as the last few minutes wind down on the clock, the score remains 7-4. Jared just won his first game as a Boston Bruin. 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~

 

There's jubilation in the locker room, laughter and celebration and Jared's right there with it.

"You survived Kid." Mike laughs, ruffling Jared's wet hair.

"Yeah, way to not fall on your face." Jensen states as he walks past.

He's back to hostile, Jared realises, no trace of the man he'd seen out there on the ice in front of him. It makes Jared wonder though, how can a guy just shut down a side of himself like that? It's like out there on the ice all Jensen's walls come tumbling down and Jared can see the real Jensen, the hope, the drive, the frustration. He wants to see more, needs to see more, and dammit Jared realises that makes him pretty much fucked.

"He's just jealous." Chris pipes up, head peeking round the end locker. "Jenny here, spent his first 10 minutes of ice time with his face permanently attached to it. Thought we were gonna have to stage a love intervention."

Chris draws out the love, making his voice a pitch higher and Jensen's up like a flash arm snaking out as Chris disappears back behind the lockers, laugh ringing out.

"Dick." Jared hears Jensen shout out.

"Now don't be like that Jenny."

Jared can't help but move forward, past the end locker. Jensen's got his arm round Chris' neck, bent over and to Jared's surprise Jensen is laughing. They grapple before both falling away from each other.

"So who won that round?" Tom asks as he emerges from the showers, towel slung low across his hips.

"Draw." Mike says.

"Hey." Both Jensen and Chris state in protest and then it's descends into chaos, Chris straining to get Jensen into a headlock this time as they shout over each other. And Jared thinks he's going to like it here, even if he can see Rafferty glaring at him from the other side of the room.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~~*~**~

 

They play the Washington Capitals the next night. The crowd as energetic as the Canadiens game, the tension just as high, because one good game doesn't guarantee a place for the season, especially for the rookies. There's no previous seasons to show their consistency, it all comes down to these seven pre-season games.

They play better than they did against the Canadiens, Jared plays his best yet, 2 goals, 1 assist and he should be happy right? They've won their first two pre-season games, and Jared's helped with that, he's made an impact, but he can't quite shake the phone conversation from the other night. 

Fuck Sandy and her fucking insights.

He watches Jensen, yeah, he feels like a goddamn crazy stalker, but he can't help himself over the next few days, over the training sessions, the home game against the Red Wings, the away game. He's not sure what he was expecting to see, what he wanted to see, but he's noticing a pattern. When Jared's not around, when Jensen doesn't notice he's there, Jared sees a little more of the guy he'd seen on the ice. He's open and happy, he laughs and jokes, and none of it's an act, it's just Jensen.

Jared wants to know that guy, he thinks he might even like that guy. He starts up conversations, mostly one-sided, but he keeps with it despite the cool reception. If Jensen is pissed or worried about the past like Sandy's theory suggests then maybe Jared just needs to put him at ease, maybe Jensen just needs to get to know him, to see he isn't a threat.

He's distracted by the whole thing, his mind's not on the hockey anymore, it's on getting Jensen to like him, he feels like a goddamn 12 year-old again mooning over the head-cheerleader, or in his case, the captain of the football team. He finds himself asking Mike about Jensen, asking Chris, hell, he asks anyone who will tell him something. He likes to think he's offhand about it, nonchalant, he hopes he is anyway, no one else needs to know about his big little-girl crush on the NHL superstar.

He phones Sandy for help but she's no use. She tells him to keep his distance, that Jensen will get past it in his own time, that he "needs to focus on his hockey", but he refuses to listen and she calls him a stubborn ass and hangs up on him. Some friend she is, putting these ideas in his head and then abandoning him with them.

One week after the Candiens game they play at home to the Capitals. They're complacent, the team riding on the high of four undefeated wins, and Jared isn't the only one distracted. It's a dirty game filled with penalties and fights and they lose 6-2.

The moral lower than Jared's seen it, there's a unanimous agreement of drinks after the game and Jared tags along, his mood dark.

"You win some, you lose some." Mike states as he sets a beer in front of Jared, they may be in a dive, but at least it's a dive that doesn't ID.

"That's bullshit and you know it." Chris spits out. The next few minutes are silence, bottles tipped back. And then Chris points to the couple across the bar, girl draped over a guy at least twice her age. "Gotta be something illegal about that." The laughter rings out easily, the mood lightening.

The drinks flow, the conversation is loud but no one seems to mind and Jared gets swept along with it. A couple of hours tick by in what seems like minutes and Jared finds he's actually enjoying himself, the defeat pushed to the back of their minds, there'll be time for that tomorrow.

"It's your round Kid." Steve shouts from across the table as he drains his bottle and Jared lazily makes his way to the bar glancing at his watch, one more round before curfew. He's a little buzzed as he leans ordering the beer, doesn't notice the way the guy across the bar is eyeing him, he just smiles over when he catches the guy's eye.

"Haven't seen you in here before." The guy's sat right there, Jared must be a little more than buzzed if he missed that. "Local?"

" Yeah. First time here, me and the guys were looking for something a little low key, you know?" Jared's always found conversation easy.

"Hockey players?" He asks and Jared chuckles to himself, so much for low key. Guy probably wants a few autographs.

"Yeah, Boston Bruins. Had a game tonight. We lost but you know, just letting off some steam." He pays the barman, lifts the tray of beers and smiles in farewell as he walks back over to the table. Doesn't catch the guy's puzzled look.

"You dirty dog." Chris nabs a beer off his tray laughing at Jared, and he looks around the table baffled. Mike's laughing too, Steve chuckling, but Jensen, Jensen's jaw is set tight and if looks could kill Jared reckons he'd be about six feet under right now.

"What?" Jared asks.

"He was trying to get in your pants, Hun." Heads turn in the direction of the female voice, Jared included, a pretty brunette stands at the right of Jensen. Jared's surprised as he sees her arms wind around Jensen's neck from behind.

He'd chosen that moment before her words had rung out to take a swig of his beer and Jared nearly chokes, because that was not a pass, no way was that a pass, that doesn't happen to him. "What... No he... Really?" He splutters out, feeling his face go beetroot red in embarrassment. That embarrassment grows as the guys laugh, as Jensen turns to look at the brunette, smile widening. Just who is she, that can she put that look on his face? 

And then she's leaning in lips reaching for Jensen's and Jared can't look away as Jensen sinks into her, feels his dick jerk in response, because he remembers what that feels like, remembers what that tastes like and jealousy tightens his gut. His eyes are glued on them and it feels like minutes, hours but it's merely agonising seconds before the break apart. Jared's skin feels on fire and he feels his face flaming again when Jensen's gaze catches with his.

Clearing his throat he looks towards Mike brow raised in question as the brunette starts up a conversation with Chris and Steve, easy and familiar. "Danneel." Mike tells him, voice low, lost in the noise around them. "Jensen's... erm... I guess girl friend, sometimes. Well, she's a girl and a friend and they fuck." He shrugs.

Well fuck, Jared thinks, he really was Jensen's college experiment and he feels his ego take a swan dive.

Jared wants to hate Danneel on principle, but he can't, she's bubbly and fun and she sits herself down next him, draping an arm across his shoulders.

"So you're the Bruins' new rising star." She drawls. "I thought you were gonna be all bambi on ice you know, with that height, but you handled yourself well. Don't sweat tonight's game I'm sure Mike already told you 'you win some you lose some' " She's dead on with her impression of Mike and it makes Jared laugh, how well does she know these guys, he thinks. Pretty damn well he figures and all of a sudden he feels on the outside again.

The conversation with her is easy and Jared can see why Jensen likes her, why all the guys do, she's clever and into sport and she's got stories to tell by the dozen.

Yeah Jared wants to hate her, but he'll settle for hating Jensen instead. He's pretty sure he deserves it even if Jared doesn't really mean it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to thank my wonderful super fast beta masja_17 and I hope you all enjoyed this installment.


	4. Everything Will Be

The next few days pass by in a blur of drills and plays and unforgiving ice. Jared's somehow reached a level of mutual dislike with Jensen, one where he's given up trying to be his friend, the guy just isn't worth it anymore. He's not sure Jensen notices and Jared tells himself he doesn't care, because he doesn't like Jensen, he doesn't, not even a little, not even a hell of a lot. Liar.

Nerves are twisting his stomach into knots. There's just one game left before the final cuts and Jared knows he needs to keep his mind focused on hockey, on nothing but hockey. He's made an impact he knows that, they've had a good pre-season and he's been a part of that but he just can't be rational about this. He's scared. If he doesn't make it he really hasn't got anything to go back to.

Maybe he's being a little melodramatic when he tells himself that everything is riding on this final game, that his whole future comes down to this, but in his head it does. The moment he'd put pen to paper and become a Bruin his hockey scholarship with Vermont had been void. Without it there's no way of going back, he just can't afford it right now, not sure he'd want to even if he could. Would he really be able to watch his friends play the game he loves from the sidelines? Home isn't really an option either, there's no one waiting to welcome him back to Texas. This is it. His last chance to prove something. God, please don't let him fuck it up.

He gets his first touch 30 minutes into the game they're already 2-1 down and Jared curses himself as he loses the puck, allowing the opposition a chance, one they capitalise on and the Bruins go down another, 3-1. Oh yeah, way to not fuck it up, he thinks to himself.

His game's been off all week, ever since the stupid Capitals game and the stupid bar afterwards. He shouldn't feel hurt should he? So why does he?

He has to watch Jensen's face light up as he scores and he curses whatever God there might be, because it isn't fair, it isn't fair to be this close to what you want and know you can never have it. Danneel had pretty much proven that to him with one damn kiss. One kiss shouldn't make his blood boil with jealousy.

He wills it all away as he steps out onto the ice for the second time, tries to focus on Mike's "You've got this JT". It's just hockey, it's just the same old hockey. Like hell it is.

His usual calm is dissipating as he skates round the rink following the puck, waiting for his chance and then he gets it. He muscles his way across the Capitals 23 stealing the puck and pushes off, circling, there's Jensen to the left of him, 31 skating straight towards him, he weaves, passes and watches Jensen send the puck into the back of the net, skirting past the goalies glove.

Jensen turns to him, smile blossoming across his face and Jared forgets everything, like how he's supposed to be pissed, how Jensen's straight, how he's supposed to be moving on, because that smile is purely for him and it's breathtaking and his heart feels like it's bursting.

Jared feels his smile grow in return, their eyes holding, and he can't put his finger on it, but there's something different there, something more than simple dismissal staring back at him and then the moment's broken, Chris pulling Jensen into a tight hug and Jared feels more than a little unsteady.

They game finishes 4-3, the locker room a buzz of noise and congratulations. They won. Pre-Season's over. But Jared's mind won't quiet. He's angry he realises. With Jensen. With himself. With the whole damn situation. He shouldn’t have taken it, the deal, he could've stayed at college another 2 years, joined the Bruins then, Jensen might've been playing somewhere else by then. But he'd wanted this and Jensen had been one of the biggest reasons for him taking the Bruins offer this year. Foolish to think the great Jensen Ackles would remember a fuck. Foolish to think he could maybe have meant something more. He realises now that's all it was, one night, that's all it ever was, not even worth acknowledging and damn if that doesn't sting a little.

"Nice game out there." Comes the voice of his current tormentor and Jared merely nods in acquiescence. That was almost a compliment, just what kind of game is Jensen playing with him?

 

~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~

 

"They want to do an interview." Comes Jerry's voice down the line.

"No." Jared refuses, slamming the door to emphasise his stance on the whole thing.

"With Ackles." Jerry adds and Jared's stomach tightens.

"Oh hell no." He dumps his bag on the bed, sits himself down next to it and sighs. It's been a long few weeks and all he wants is to spend the next couple of days in his own bed, sinking into unconsciousness, where thoughts about one Jensen Ackles won't plague him. 

"Come on Jared, one interview, I wouldn't push it if I didn't think it'd be good for you." Jerry has a point, he's never pushed Jared in the wrong direction, but interviews, they just make him antsy. Yes him, the big conversationalist, finds talking to the press just a little uncomfortable. If it was just about the game maybe he wouldn't have such an issue, but over the past few months the questions have been more about his life off the ice than on it. It bugs him.

Jared lies back, stretches an arm over his head and thinks about it. Really thinks about. An interview, he might've taken, but an interview with Jensen? Isn't that tempting fate just a little.

"Do this one and it'll keep the press off your back for a while." Jerry coaxes, and Jared knows he's right. That makes sense.

"You're not gonna let me say no are you?" He asks, and Jared knows that to Jerry that's as good as a yes.

"I'll set it up, let you know the details." He can hear Jerry's brain working out it all out as they speak and Jared can't help but smile at that. "Congrats on making the cut, prouda ya kid. I'll get back to you." Jerry adds hastily, hanging up before Jared can reply.

Jared just lies there, staring up at the ceiling, a little stunned. A little overwhelmed. They've never done anything more than congratulations, at least they never have before and if there's wetness on Jared's cheeks he'll deny it. Jerry's the first person in years to be proud, to say that to him and it touches something in Jared he didn't realise was still there. Longing.

Jared had been shell-shocked when Kripke had told him he'd be a Bruin full-time this season. He'd smiled, said thank you, taken the congratulations but it'd left him with a hollowness in the pit of his stomach, because the moment he'd found out the first thing he'd wanted to do was pick up the phone, call his momma and tell her he'd done it, he'd made it to the NHL, just like he'd said he would. Just like they'd always dreamed.

He'd had to still his fingers from dialling, he wasn't his momma's son anymore. At least that's what she'd told him and he truly believed she'd meant it. It'd been three years since he'd sat his parents down and told them he was gay and they'd looked at him with disgust. His momma had told him it was a phase, that they'd get him help, that they'd cure him of this disease and when he'd explained that it wasn't, that he didn't want help, that this wasn't something they could change she'd told him to leave. No son of hers would be a sinner, no son of hers would disgrace their family like this. He'd said he guessed he wasn't no son of hers then and she'd agreed.

It still stings, to remember the way his hands had shaken as he'd packed what little of his belongings he could carry and closed the door, the way his voice had broken as he'd called Sandy and asked her if she could come get him, the way his shoulders had heaved as she'd held him quietly through the sobs.

It's been three years but his heart's still broken and it had taken a simple "I'm prouda ya" from a man he barely knew to remind him of the family he'd lost. He picks up the phone and dials Sandy's number, she's his family now.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Jared's never felt quite so intimidated by a woman holding a pad and pen before, but as he sits in front of one Genevieve Cortese, pretty brunette perched on the edge of her seat, he feels himself curl up in defense when she turns to him.

"So how does it feel to be part of the Bruins for this season?" She asks.

"It's good you know." Jared laughs. "Wow, that's pretty lame, it should be amazing right? It is amazing. To be honest it just hasn't sunk in yet, I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up tomorrow back in Vermont and this'll all be a dream. I'm just looking forward to getting out there and playing some hockey, you know."

Genevieve smiles at him before turning towards Jensen, and Jared feels himself relax. He can do this, Jerry told him this would be okay.

"So Jensen, are you looking to be the top scorer in the NHL for the 3rd year running this season?"

Jensen plasters on one of those fake smiles Jared knows so well and Jared clutches the arm rest to keep from gritting his teeth. "We'll just have to see how the season goes won't we Gen?"

They know each other? Jensen's using nicknames? Jared wonders when Jensen fucked her, and damn he's becoming cynical where Jensen's concerned, maybe a tad jealous too.

"Can't pry anymore than that out of you? Not even if I asked if you think Jared here might give you a run for your money, he did hold the record for most goals scored in a season at Vermont." Jared's taken aback by that, seems someone did their homework.

Jensen merely snorts.

"Hey, what's that for, I could totally beat your ass." Jared frowns and Jensen smiles at him, not the fake smile he used earlier, but one of those ones that spread across his face to the crinkles in his eyes and Jared can't help smiling back.

"Come off it Jay, as if." Jensen chuckles and Jared feels a blush bloom across his cheeks, dips his head to cover, because the last time anyone called him that, hell the only time anyone called him that he'd had his mouth wrapped around Jensen's dick, Jensen's hands digging into his scalp, and he's half hard just thinking about it. About the way Jensen's voice had been thick with lust, his words dirty and begging and Jared clears his throat hoping to dislodge the image of half glazed eyes looking down at him because if he keeps this up he's gonna lose it right here. 

Lust swells into anger and his chest feels heavy. It isn't enough that the guy has to pretend it never happened, it isn't enough that he's made it perfectly clear he hates Jared, now, now he has taunt him about it as well. His fists clench, his head's still low and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat missing the matching redness of Jensen's face.

"So there's no rivalry between the two of you? Jared's being tipped as the next big thing and you, well, you're the current one." Genevieve cajoles. She's fishing and they all know it.

"Can see why he's tipped as the next big thing. Giant. Be lucky if he manages to stay on his feet all season." Jensen smirks and Jared admires the way Jensen manages to answer every question without actually answering the question.

"If I remember right, it isn't me who has a love affair with the ice." Jared throws in, drawing out the love the same way Chris had and Jensen half-heartedly punches him in the shoulder before turning back to Genevieve.

Genevieve keeps firing routine questions at them over the next 20 minutes, who do you tip to win this season, what do you think of the new rookies you're likely to face, what's the step up from college hockey to the big leagues really like and Jared feels himself wearing thin, he's tired of having to joke with Jensen, he likes it, but he's confused by this weird pretend friendship they somehow seem to have going. He's tired of the act of it all because he'd pretty much love it to be reality.

"Are your family supportive of your move from college and into the NHL?" Genevieve blindsides him and Jared feels his face fall, feels his gut turn, he takes a breath, takes another and fakes a smile.

"I've been working towards the NHL since the first day I skated, it's been the dream you know and I'm surrounded by loving people who will always support me, it's them that have got me here. The NHL is a once in a lifetime thing and college? If, when this is all over, if that's something I still want I can go back and finish that."

If Genevieve realises Jared completely avoided that question she doesn't let on, just railroads him with another.

"Do you still stand by your decision to come out as a gay athlete?"

Jared digs his nails into the palm of his hand unconsciously, he's so tired of this damn question, how many times will they ask this, how many more interviews are going to be more about his sexuality rather than his ability to play hockey?

"Come on Gen." Jensen starts before Jared has a chance to answer. "Out there on the ice it's all about hockey, it's not about who I or Jared take home at night, that ain't anyone's business but our own and it shouldn't factor into the game."

Jared looks about as startled as Genevieve does, there's an edge to Jensen's words, and Jared lays a hand on his shoulder when he opens his mouth to continue.

"It's okay Jensen." He sends him what he hopes is a reassuring smile, then looks directly at Genevieve. "Would my life have been easier to be a straight man playing hockey? Of course it would, but I'm not a straight guy, I never have been and I have no problems with that. It was a big decision whether I was going to tell people, but I didn't want to treat a part of myself like I was ashamed, like it was wrong, because I wasn't and it's not. So I took an interview and I told the world." He pauses. "And yeah I'd probably do it all again."

It's another 20 minutes before the interview's finished and as they leave Jared lets out a breath of relief, it's never easy to have someone poke around in your life like that, but he's had worse.

"Fancy a beer?" Jensen asks and Jared can't help but agree. 

He can't put his finger on it, but it feels like maybe something's changed.


	5. When you're around

He's going to be sick; he's going to throw up right here in the locker room. No, no he isn't. Get a grip Padalecki. Deep breaths Jared tells himself. Just keep breathing. In. Out. This is just another day. This is just another game. There's a chuckle to his right distracting him, he turns to see Mike. 

"So on a scale of 1 to 10, how much are you freaking out right now?" 

"A million." Jared answers, damn his voice sounds shaky.

"That bad huh?" Mike's smiling at him and the dam breaks and all the fear and worry Jared's been holding back just flows out. He doesn't think about Mike's reaction, he doesn't think how the guys can use this to rip in to him all season, he doesn't think at all. 

"Which is stupid right?" Jared pushes back unruly pieces of hair nervously, why does his voice have to sound so damn shaky? "Because I probably won't even get to play this game. I probably won't get to play a game until like Christmas. They're just putting me on the bench because of the press right? I'll probably just sit on the sidelines and watch, you know, maybe get a touch at the end if it's going right. Just to feel me out, to make sure I'm not a total train wreck, and I can do that, I mean a couple of minutes on the ice I can cope with that, but what if I totally fuck up those few minutes Mike, what if-" 

"JT, relax. You've got this man." Mike's hand rests on Jared's knee a touch that isn't uncommon between the two of them, a touch that Jared finds strangely relaxing. 

When people, scratch that, when guys find out you're gay there doesn't get to be much in the way of contact, like somehow a touch to the shoulder, or a slap on the back and suddenly they've caught a love of cock, just like you might the flu. It's stupid, but hey so is homophobia. But Jared, even from being young, he's always been a touchy kind of guy. Until he came out he never second guessed the way he'd sling his arm around someone's shoulder or pull them in for a hug, because it was never sexual for him, it was never about that, so it's nice that Mike's like this with him, comfortable enough to just treat him like any other guy and comfortable enough to let Jared do the same.

"Yeah but what if -" 

"You know all the plays man," Mike cuts him off again. "You've been linking up great with Jensen and Chris in training, even been getting a few pucks past Justin. Just stop thinking about it yeah? The rest will come." 

Jared nods his assent. Mike's right, he should just switch off his brain, stop thinking about it all. If only his brain would listen to him. He misses the majority of Kripke's pre-game talk, the parts he does catch are about it being time to make an impression and to start the season as they mean to go on and are they gonna let the Bolts come into their home and walk all over them. Jared's mildly aware of the roar of 'No' that echoes round the locker room, but his voice doesn't join them. 

His brain finally stops working as he steps out into the arena, when he looks up at the sea of roaring fans, chanting for him, for them, he sucks in a sharp breath. It isn't the first time he's been here and sure he's played games with the team, and the fans were there, but this is different because this is it, this is his first game in the NHL. 

Panic bubbles in the pit of his stomach and he wills it back, eyes scanning the crowd and that's when he sees her. Sandy. Way to the left of the Bruins bench about five rows back and she's smiling knowingly at him, waving, mouthing something that Jared is sure is something along the lines of 'stop being an idiot' and that's all it takes, to see the person that has become his family, that has supported him through everything, here, cheering him on and everything inside him settles. He knows everything is going to be alright. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

"YOU WERE AMAZING!" Comes Sandy's voice down the corridor as they hurry over to meet each other. Most of the crowd of fans have emptied out now, only the few stragglers still left turn to see what the commotion is about. 

"I had like five minutes of ice time." Jared says, scooping her up into a bear hug that has Sandy giggling. She winds her arms around his neck, squeezes him tight and Jared lets himself sink into her. 

"Five minutes in which you stole the puck sending that douche who'd been skating around like he owned the ice all night flying and found Jensen. Yeah Jared, an assist given five minutes of ice time is nothing for your first game as an NHL BRUIN!" Sandy pulls back and Jared grins as she smirks, he's forgotten how great for his ego Sandy is.

"And that Jensen, is he a secret supermodel Jare? Currently single? Looking for a fiery brunette to sweep off her feet?" 

Jared's face feels like it's on fire, she doesn't realise, he didn't tell her that Jensen was the one. She looks up at him face turning from teasing to puzzled as she takes him in until finally she squints her eyes at him and then her jaw drops and he knows she's worked it out. Why can't he play these things cool and aloof? Why can't he be off-hand and say oh Jensen, yeah he's got a girl, not stand there beetroot red and tongue-tied. He's never tongue-tied. 

"No?" She gapes at him, hand against his chest, leaning in, feigning the need for support. Damn drama queen. "He isn't. No... You didn't? With Jensen Ackles?" 

Jared just shrugs, this conversation seems to have taken an uncomfortable turn , could they just go back to talking about the game, and how awesome he apparently is.

"Whoa... Well, if I had to be anyone's college experiment, I'd certainly have signed me up for that experience." 

And just like that Jared's face breaks out into a smile, laughter bubbling up and out of him before he can stop it. 

That's how Jensen finds them, doubled over in laughter, Jared leaning against Sandy, but when Jared looks up eyes settling on Jensen, the laughter in his throat abruptly dies. Sandy looks round to see why, spots Jensen and bursts into another fit of giggles. Jensen shifts awkwardly from his right foot to his left and Jared is actually starting to feel sorry for the guy. 

"Don't mind her." Jared says, throwing Jensen a lifeline. "She forgot to take the pills for her crazy today." 

Jensen's eyes shift from Jared to Sandy and back. "Erm... Okay. Mike wanted me to catch up with you, we're going for drinks, thought you might wanna come with." Jensen's eyes are on Sandy again who's managed to stifle her giggles. "If you're not too busy that is." 

"Drinks?" Jared asks, as if it's really a question, he knows Sandy's dying to grill his new team mates, especially Jensen. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If Jared had known Danneel was going to be making an appearance he might have chosen to be 'too busy'. He likes her sure, but that doesn't mean he wants to have the fact that she's with Jensen and he's not rubbed in his face, only no one really realises they're rubbing it in his face, because, oh yeah, no one knows Jensen and him had a thing. Jared's beginning to hate his stupidly complicated life.

And as if dealing with Danneel wasn't enough he's been running interference between Jensen and Sandy all night too. He knows Sandy won't say anything to Jensen intentionally, she's too smart for that, she'll wheedle the things she wants to know out of him without him even knowing, but Jared's just a little bit worried about what she might do with that information. But then he's even more worried when she strikes up a conversation with Danneel as if they're lifelong friends. He needs patience, an endless amount of patience to get through this night, and maybe, no definitely, something stronger than beer. 

"So I'm thinking I might have to get a place." Jared tells Mike, Jensen and Chris turning to listen as he talks. He's been thinking about it since he signed, he even talked to Jerry about it, he's got this money now, and he needs somewhere to live. It'd all been too much of a whirlwind beforehand, what with the signing and the press and then training camp. Plus there'd been the thought that if he bought something he'd be jinxing everything, that he wouldn't end up making the team, but be tied here because he'd bought a place. 

Even now, he isn't sure. It's a long time since he put down any permanent roots. 

"I was thinking an apartment maybe, decent sized one, with good security. I'm just done with hotel rooms, and that shitty place I'm renting. Why don't they ever buy decent sized beds? My feet keep hanging off the end." His voice ends on a whine, it's not a big thing, but if this is going to be home he needs to take care of those little things too, before they all build up on him.

"Cos you're a giant JT." Mike chirps, agreement passing between them. Jared launches a peanut, hitting Mike squarely in the eye. "And here was I ready to offer to house hunt with you. Do it yourself dick." Mike teases throwing the peanut back at Jared. 

It's only been a few weeks, but it feels good to have these people surrounding him, it feels good to be part of something that so closely resembles family. It feels like he belongs. 

"Should we be worried about those two?" Jensen asks, nodding his head in the girls' direction, grin wide. 

"Probably, knowing Sandy she'll be spilling all my embarrassing stories." And Jared groans, because that's probably true, the guys are gonna have material to rip into him for the rest of the season, hell, maybe next season too. 

"Oh really? So I'm definitely in the wrong conversation. Sandy!" Jensen raises his voice over the crowd. "Jared here says you've got embarrassing stories." 

Jared shoots her a look of warning that blatantly screams 'don't you dare', the look she sends back at him is one of 'I'll do as I damn well please' and the unspoken conversation goes unnoticed by the rest of the table. 

"I might." Sandy says disinterested. "What's in it for me?" 

"What will two beers get us?" Jensen asks and when Sandy smiles slyly Jared knows he's done for. 

Two hours and an unknown amount of beers later and Jared wants to die. 

"That hairstyle was ridiculous and you know it, but you tried to act so cool about it because your momma told you that if you acted like it didn't bother you we'd all stop making fun of you for it." Sandy doesn't know it yet, but Jared's just decided she's about to become his ex-best friend. If she moves on to tell the bambi-on-ice story, that's what she's taken to call Jared's time on the ice through puberty, when he'd had a growth spurt and shot up like a weed and not really been in control of any of his limbs any more, then he's going to murder her in her sleep, consequences be damned.

"As if you can say anything about hair styles." Jared says indignantly. "You got a perm. You looked like a damn poodle." 

"You said it looked nice." Sandy gasps. 

"Well I lied, like a good friend is supposed to." Jared sticks his tongue out at her.

"Think we should break this up." Chris pipes in. "Before the two of you start throwing punches." 

"As if she could reach." Jared jokes and Sandy pounces at him almost knocking him off his chair. He catches her, standing to avoid falling and wraps an arm companionably around her shoulders. Sandy leans in as the conversation rolls on around them and Jared feels happy, happier than he has in a long time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

"I'm going to kill you." Sandy whines. "Then bring you back so you can carry me home. Please say we're nearly done Jare. I need aspirin and coffee and to be horizontal. I feel like I'm dying." 

"That's karma. Pay back is a bitch I hear." Jared pulls the car over and stills the engine, before turning to her, breaking out his best puppy dog eyes and pleading. "Come on this is the last one." 

Jared had pulled Sandy, grumbling and cursing, out of bed at nine that morning full of excitement at the idea of finding his own place. He'd called Jerry once he knew he'd got a permanent place with the Bruins and asked him if he could find him a place in Boston and Jerry had told him not a problem. True to his word he'd faxed over a list of places and viewing times last night and Jared had been full of energy to go look for his future home. 

Sandy on the other hand had not been quite so amiable, probably had something to do with the late night and the large amount of beer she'd drunk, and she'd grumbled as they'd driven to apartment after apartment and grumbled more when Jared had decided none of them were for him. He isn't sure what he's waiting for. Sandy has asked him what was wrong with the places they'd been to and he hadn't been able to give her an answer, because in truth there was nothing wrong with them, nothing at all, they just, he couldn't see himself there and he wasn't sure he could make her understand that. 

Only one place left on his list, a house, and he feels so deflated in comparison to this morning because he doesn't really want a house, there's just him after all, what would he do with all that space? No, an apartment is more practical.

Jared climbs out of the car, turns as he shuts the door and his breath catches in his chest. It's set back from the street, pretty little detached house, white with blue shutters, porch wrapping around the front, down the sides, and he wonders if it stretches round the back too. It's quiet, he realises, it's peaceful and he's fallen half in love with it, just with one look. 

He walks forward without any thought for Sandy; he just needs to see more. The garden out front is wild, overgrown and with a little work Jared thinks it could be fantastic. On a closer look he notices the house could use a little paint, the porch needs sanding, the steps rebuilding. But that's fixable, it's not a deal breaker. House just needs a little love, just like Jared.

There's an apple tree down the side to the left of the house a rope swing hanging from one of the branches and he can't help but sit down. From here he looks out on the street, it's far enough back to be private, but close enough to still belong to the street. And then he sees Sandy leaning against the side of the car smiling fondly at him. 

"Don't even need to look inside do you?" She asks as she joins him by the swing and he gets up, lets her sit, pulls the seat backwards and lets it go. 

"No." He admits, pushing her. 

"What if it's a dump?" She points out. Jared prays it isn't, but even if it is, he's pretty sure he won't care.

"I'll fix it up. It's perfect Sandy. It's quiet. Far enough out of the city that you don't get the hustle and bustle but close enough to get to training." Jared stills the swing, sits down next to her when she scoots over. "I can see myself here." 

If she notices the way his voice chokes on those last words or his eyes get glassy, she doesn't mention it, just rests her head on his shoulder swaying in the breeze and they wait for the realtor to arrive so he can buy his home.

Twenty minutes later he's standing in what will be his room, and his heart's racing, because it isn't a dump inside, it's damn near perfect. There are four bedrooms upstairs, two bathrooms, one which is an en-suite off the room he's going to use. The bathrooms are modern, were obviously put in pretty recently and the bath in the en-suite has jets and he's pretty sure it's big enough to fit even his legs in there. Down stairs is pretty open, a lounge running from the front to the back on one side. The kitchen at the back of the house is huge too, backdoor opening on to the porch, island in the middle of the room, just inviting you to sit, and then there's another smaller room that he figures he can use as an office, though why he needs an office he isn't sure. It isn't perfect, it isn't his yet but a little paint here and there, some furniture, some love and it will be. 

"You could get that dog." Sandy says from the doorway.

"What dog?" He asks, his room overlooks the garden and he can't help but stare out, he's going to put his bed right here facing the window, so he'll wake up to that pretty view every morning. 

"That dog you've always wanted." 

"I'm gonna be away a lot." He doesn't deny his want, she knows him too well, but it would be reckless to indulge like that right?

"It's the 21st century Jare, there are these people you can pay who come and walk your dog or look after it when you're not around. Come on, you earn enough now, treat yourself." 

"Okay." He agrees. A dog might be nice, someone to come home to, that will always be happy to see you. He could get a kennel, wait, he could build a kennel, a nice little wooden one for the garden. 

"They aren't sleeping together." 

"What?" Jared asks again, Sandy really needs to stop having half a conversation in her head. 

"Jensen and Danneel." She explains, her voice a little gentler this time, like the words aren't rushing to escape anymore. "They aren't sleeping together." 

Jared twists round to look at her now, a cynical look in his eye. "But Mike said. I mean, how would you even know that?" 

"I have my ways and like Mike knows anything. He doesn't want to either." 

Jared scoffs. "Bullshit. Now that you can't possibly know." He'll give her the sex thing, but she can't know that by spending one night out with the guy. Can she? No, don't go there Padalecki.

"When have I ever been wrong?" Sandy points out. 

Jared takes a minute before blurting out. "Junior year. You kissed me." 

"Got you to admit you were gay didn't I? Plus I was curious." She's teasing him. 

Jared sighs his face suddenly serious, sometimes he looks much older than twenty and it breaks Sandy's heart. "You're wrong about this." 

"I'm not. It ain't happening and it ain't gonna." 

Restlessly Jared moves from the bedroom across the landing into the bathroom, he secretly hopes Sandy won't follow him, no such luck. 

"They kissed in public Sandy, and not the 'we're just friends' kind of kissing, it was more the 'let's blow this joint' kind of kissing." 

"Kissing ain't fucking Jared." 

"Whatever." Jared says. He really needs a beer. Or maybe something stronger. The bathroom suddenly feels too small, it's like everything is pushing in on him. He moves into the second bedroom and she's right there, hounding him. Leave me alone his mind is screaming, please don't make me believe I can have this. 

"I think you've got a shot." 

And there it is, the words she wished to hell he hadn't said. Jared leans against the wall, resting his head back, eyes closed. But still where the hell did she get that from? 

"He watches you. He listens when you speak, like really listens, like he wants to absorb everything you." 

"Stop it Sandy it isn't gonna happen." He can't get his hopes up. They're starting to get along, Jensen's being less hostile and Jared's placed himself firmly in the friend zone and he's been coming to terms with that, but now Sandy's words are tearing that all to shreds and bringing back that hope and he can't, he can't hope. 

"Jared I'm being serious, you should-" 

"-No!" He interrupts. "Just drop it." Jared doesn't give her a chance to answer just pushes past her, takes to the stairs; he needs to find the realtor. Find her and buy his house and forget all about Jensen Ackles. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

It takes two weeks for the papers to be finalised on the house, two weeks of nail biting and tense conversations with Jerry, because he has to have it. Hockey doesn't distract him and Sandy's gone, leaving that conversation behind. 

He can't get it out of his head, the possibility. Things with Jensen have become less strained, it's easier. They don't spend much time just the two of them, haven't since they'd gone for that beer after that hellish interview. And it hadn't been awkward, it had been nice, even if Jensen hadn't really said much, had just let Jared prattle away for the best part of three hours, pitching in a comment here and there. And that had been the start of something, something that maybe resembles friendship. 

Jensen invited him to the guys’ monthly poker game at Chris' and though Jared had lost far more than he'd won, because it turns out that Chris is a damn card shark, he'd enjoyed himself. He'd have enjoyed himself if anyone had invited him, but the fact that it was Jensen had made it all a little sweeter, it makes him feel accepted. But the further in he's drawn in the more his brain and Sandy's words are creating something reminiscent of hope and hope is damn dangerous, because hope leads to possibilities and possibilities lead to wants. He should just be content with what he has. Right?

The day the papers are signed he packs his untouched boxes out of the one bed shit hole he's renting and into the back of his car and moves. He hauls the boxes into the lounge and realises that with a house this big, he's going to need a hell of a lot more stuff, the ten or so boxes aren't going to fill even one room. It hadn't really been a conscious choice but he'd kept personal items to a minimum after he'd left home, he hadn't had the space or the money to indulge in things that weren't a necessity. It's not that he hadn't wanted things, he had, but he just hadn't been able to justify them to himself. Like that games console he'd been dying to buy or a flat screen TV, or a damn bed big enough for him to sleep in. He realises now he hadn't let himself buy any of those things because that's what putting down roots looks like, and at the back of his mind there'd been this niggling little voice that Sandy's couch, the college dorms, even the town house in Vermont, they hadn't been permanent, he couldn't let them be. It's strange now to look around the house, his house he keeps reminding himself, and dream about what he can make it. 

He needs furniture, a sofa, some shelves, a TV maybe; it's time to indulge right, even a nice little coffee table could work. He needs knives and forks and spoons and utensils he'll never use to fill the draws in the kitchen. He needs a bed, an extravagantly large bed, one where he can stretch out without fear of falling off. He phones Mike and cons him into house shopping. And Mike might bitch a little, might call Jared a girl when he oohs and ahhhs over things but Jared knows he doesn't really mean it. Much. 

When Jared had bought this place he hadn't realised, until Mike was hauling in furniture and had told him, that Jensen's apartment was in fact only a couple of blocks over and despite Jared's protests Mike had phoned him up and talked him into coming over to help. It was nice, friendly and things had definitely begun to change. 

In between games and training he strips walls, plasters and re-wallpapers, he paints and hammers nails, he sweats and hurts and through it all his mind is still on Jensen. 

It's been a month since that conversation, the team's doing well, nine wins to three losses and Jared's getting more ice time each game, he's become part of the Bruins arsenal and he wants to stay there. He's also becoming Jensen's friend and that's another place he'd like to stay. 

The beginning of November he starts sanding down the front porch, it's a project, a project all of his own and he's excited. Two days in he's sweaty and hot, t-shirt clinging to him but the porch is sanded, ready to paint and he's reaching for brushes when Jared notices Jensen and Chris walking across the lawn six-pack in hand. He really needs to get around to cutting the grass, looks like a damn meadow; he's actually becoming fond of it. Screw it, maybe he'll leave it wild and overgrown like that.

It's a surprise to see his team mates, but Jared decides it's a pleasant one. It's nice to have a place; it's even nicer to have friends that feel comfortable enough to just stop by. 

"Thought you could use an extra couple of hands." Jensen grins up at Jared and Jared waves them up onto the front porch, trying to contain himself, because visitors, he's got visitors. And one of them is Jensen. Jensen who might just be his friend now. It had started with that beer he supposed, then the training, and the moving in, but Jared feels like they've turned a corner. Sure, there'll be the odd scowl now and again, but he's getting a chance to see the real Jensen, he's getting it aimed directly at him instead of having to watch from the sidelines and it shouldn't make him so happy. 

"Nice." Chris says as he joins them and Jared hadn't really realised he'd been waiting for approval but it's great, the joy washes over him. 

"You need a better fence though JT. A bit more security, what with you being a big up and coming star." Chris jokes, no malice behind the words. 

"Yeah yeah. I've got a guy coming over next week to sort it out. You sound like my manager." Jared groans. 

"I bet he's ruggedly handsome and a hit with the ladies too." Chris puts on a serious voice, and Jared can't help laughing because Jerry and Chris are about as different as two people could get. 

"If he was the last guy on earth maybe, no, probably not even then. So are you two just gonna stand around looking pretty, afraid to break your nails?" Jared teases throwing a paint brush at them both. 

Several hours of sweat and bitching later, the porch is painted and Jared's pretty damn proud of himself and he can't hold back the grin from his face as he surveys the work.

He pulls back on his beer and leans in the doorjamb of his house. His house. It's starting to truly feel like that. He has a home now, he realises, it's been far too long since he's had a place to call that and the ache inside his chest, the one that festers and never truly goes away, it lessens just a little at the thought of home, his home. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

He buys a rocking chair for the corner of the porch, he's dozing in the dying sun when footsteps rouse him and he looks up into green eyes, can't help but return the smile of greeting Jensen aims at him. It's happened a couple of times now, Jensen will just turn up, Chris in tow or Steve or Mike. Was in the neighbourhood he'll say or wanted to see how the house was looking. Jensen never says he drops by just to see Jared and even though he shouldn't, Jared likes to let himself believe that Jensen does. That Jensen stops by just to talk or drink or hang out. To just be around Jared. He feels like that 12 year-old again. 

Sometimes he stops by after practise, with one of the guys and they'll sit on the porch and laugh until the last light dims and then they'll leave and the house will suddenly become somehow emptier. 

Having Jensen there, even with Chris or Mike or Steve makes him want to keep him and he knows he can't. But if he can have friendship, if he can see the real Jensen then he thinks that might just be enough, or at least it will have to be. 

They ride together for the Dallas game. It'll be easier, makes sense, Jensen tells him. Chris is throwing one of his famous after parties and they apparently don't need two cars to leave at Chris', isn't the space. It's the first time they've really spent any time just the two of them alone since The Beer, as Jared's now taken to calling it, and though neither of them has much to say, minds focused on the match ahead, the silence between them isn't uncomfortable. If anything it's companionable and when Jared puts on his pads, enters the rink he feels steadier than he has since he left Vermont. 

The moment the whistle blows and he hits the ice though, his calm shatters. He's nowhere near the puck, nowhere near the action and the Stars' 25 sends him hurtling into the boards. He has no idea what just happened, just that he can feel the aftermath in the ache in his left side. The ref whistle blows out, signals the penalty and 25 leaves the ice, but Jared doesn't miss the look he shares with Rafferty and his stomach drops, fuck, he knows it's only the first of many. 

It's rough and dirty and violent and Jared's pretty sure he's going to be feeling the bruises for weeks, he'll be lucky if finishes out the match with all his limbs and bone intact. He hasn't got a clue of the score, can only focus on his breathing. He's got one period to go, just one more and then this'll all be over. 

It had started with just 25, with the checking and the occasional 'fucking homo' and then one or two others had caught on, until it felt like the whole team had it out for him. 

He glances at the clock, 15 minutes to go and that glance costs him as he hits the boards for what seems like the millionth time, but his hip jars painfully as two bodies crush him. The cool that he's been so desperately holding onto shatters as 25 mutters 'dirty fag' loud enough to be heard and it's the last damn straw. 

"You're standing close enough; I might think you're asking to be blowed." He spits back and Jared knows it's stupid, knows he should have held his tongue even as the words spill from it. The guy isn't bigger than Jared, but he has him at a disadvantage and he raises his arm resting it against Jared's windpipe as Jared tries desperately to push him off. In all the kafuffle he's lost his stick and finds himself completely defenceless. He hears the whistle blowing, eyes stinging in relief as the guy's pulled backwards, Jensen's familiar frame getting between the two of them. 

"Back off." Jensen warns as Chris stops by Jensen's side ready to back him up. 

Jared focuses on his breathing, tries to will the pain of his hip away as chaos breaks out on the ice in front of him, players shouting grappling, others trying to cool it off, break it up. The crowd is a mixture of cheers and booing and Jared's head swims, with lack of oxygen and bewilderment. 

"What was that about?" Jensen's voice cuts through the haze. 

Jared drops his head, he's done for the game he knows it and he doesn't really feel like getting into this with Jensen. "Nothing." 

"I'm not a fucking idiot Jay." There's that nickname again, it brings warmth and disappointment to his chest and Jared grits his teeth. 

"It was nothing okay, just drop it." He pushes past Jensen, joins the bench. He still doesn't know the score when the game finishes, he's too angry and focussing everything on not losing it. 

~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~ 

The anger hasn't dissipated by the time he walks into Chris' and Jared is thankful for the beer he's handed. He's surrounded by happy, by celebration, turns out they won that damn game and Jared should feel pleased about that, but his dark mood just won't let him. 

It's a long time since he's had a match like that, it's a long time since he's been in a situation like that at all but it always works him up like this. He's a laid back guy, he's friendly and talkative and for the most part calm, anger isn't a mood that suits him, all it does is sit and fester, like it is right now. 

"You okay dude?" Chris asks as he takes in Jared. 

"Yeah man, just need to let off a little steam." Jared assures, and it's true he really does.

"Just what I needed to hear." Chris smirks turning to point in the direction of the lounge. "My man, Joe there, recently single, 100% gay and may or may not have a little thing for the Bruin's newest star. Just, don't tell him I told you that." 

Jared eyes the guy from where he's standing, he's got a good couple of inches on the guy, but hey he has that on most. His hair's light, ruffled, even more so as he unconsciously drags his fingers through it. They guy's wearing jeans and some old band t-shirt that's just the right side of tight to hint at the body beneath, but still leave a little to the imagination. Jared would be lying if he said he wasn't intrigued. 

Recently single means no strings. 100% gay, well that's a plus since he's been pining for a straight guy for the better part of the past two months. Has a little thing for him, well that means it won't take too much work. That's what he wants, that's what he needs, quick and fast with no need for phone conversations or awkward morning afters. He isn't one for one-nightstands, doesn't really care for sex without feelings but when he gets like this he just has to work the mad out of his system, usually with sex, other times he'll spend a few hours at the gym beating the shit out of a punch bag. Whilst violence has its appeal, Jared would much rather work this all out with a little sex, pleasure and satisfaction. Yeah, he could definitely go for Joe. 

He walks over, takes the seat between Joe and Mike without invitation and sees the guy beam at him. 

"Jared." Mike smiles and Jared works up one in return. "This is Joe." 

"Hi." Jared says holding out his hand, Joe fumbles with his beer before grasping his hand and shaking, Jared squeezes, shakes, runs his thumb over the guy's wrist and holds for longer than is really necessary. Is he being subtle? No. Does he care? Hell no.

"Beer?" Mike asks getting up, and Jared looks to Joe in question who nods. 

"Yeah two. Thanks man." Jared doesn't move over as Mike leaves just keeps his body snug up against Joe's gauging his reaction and when Joe doesn't flinch or move away, when his body just kind angles itself into Jared's, well, Jared feels pretty damn pleased with himself. He'll thank Chris later. 

"Nice game today." Joe says finally finding his voice. "Though I'm surprised you're still walking." 

Jared chuckles in anything but humour. "Drink to numb the pain; I'll pay for it tomorrow." And Joe laughs, before looking past Jared as a shadow falls over them and the space next to Jared is filled. 

"Hey, you tried Chris' punch tonight?" Joe asks Jensen as he takes the seat next to Jared and Jared curses silently. There can't be a God he tells himself, because a God surely wouldn't be that damn cruel. 

"I'm never touching that stuff again after last time." Jensen laughs, leaning back resting his arm along the back of the sofa behind Jared and Jared has to stop himself from snuggling in and asking just what happened last time. Focus he tells himself, focus. Jensen is off limits, no matter what Sandy says. Joe is very much within limits. But he can't seem to get that through to his body as it reacts to the press of Jensen's thigh against his. 

He stands abruptly, mumbles something about Mike and beer and moves off into the kitchen. If he'd sat there much longer he'd have ended up embarrassing himself, as it is there's still a chance he will and he adjusts his jeans as he finds Mike with the beer, he needs a good few more before he's comfortable to deal with that situation again. 

Joe finds him in the kitchen a good hour and several beers later. He's got a good buzz going and he's even less subtle than earlier as he pulls Joe hard against his body. 

"So Chris never told me how you two know each other." His voice rises above the music so Joe can hear him. 

"College." Joe says. "Chris used to be in a band and I filled in a couple of times when they needed me." 

Jared turns directly to Joe. "Wait, Chris was in a band?" 

"Damn straight I was." Chris says, joining the conversation in the kitchen with Jensen. 

"Voice of an angel." Jensen smirks earning himself a swat across the head and a chuckle from Chris. 

"Jealous Jenny?" Chris asks. 

"As if I want to sound like a cat being strangled." Jensen teases and Chris only shakes his head in defeat when Justin shouts from the lounge and with a 'this isn't over' look aimed at Jensen he leaves the three of them alone. Again. Jared's luck is having a real off day. Then again when was the last time it really had an on day?

Jensen's eyeing Joe warily and Jared doesn't get it. It's uncomfortable until Joe pulls his cigarettes from his pocket and heads out back. It's weird Jared thinks, so different from when Jensen had joined them earlier and they'd all been full of smiles.

So then it's just Jensen and Jared in the kitchen and Jared can't help but hold his hands up in defeat and chuckle to himself. 

"What?" Jensen asks, boosting himself up onto the working top, and Jared can't help but notice the flex of muscles as he does that. He's blaming the tug of lust in his groin on the alcohol, because alcohol makes him horny, and that's all this is. Liar. 

"It's just funny." Jared says as if that explains everything. 

"What is?" Jensen crooks his head to the side, watching him. 

"How bad I apparently suck at hooking up." He hadn't meant to say that, especially to Jensen, but beer, as well as making him want to jump people, well one person, has a way of loosening his tongue, until there's no filter between thoughts and words, not that there's much of one with Jared anyway. 

"Oh." It's quiet for a few minutes, only the blare of music from next door and Jared can suddenly feel the tension in the room, where did that come from? "I thought he was bothering you." 

Jensen's frowning at him and Jared senses a hint of anger which he can't understand. What does Jensen have to be angry about? 

"Nope, I think I'm bothering him to be honest." There's weariness to Jared's voice, he's wondering if he was wrong about the whole Joe thing. 

"You okay man?" Jensen asks, and Jared let's himself see sincere care in Jensen's eyes, his mood needs it. Jared shrugs, taking another swig of his beer, he's a mixture of emotions, and he feels like he might just be going crazy. 

"Was it the game?" Jensen continues when Jared merely stares at his hands, worrying at the label of the bottle with his fingernail. "I heard. I, uh, I know what they said Jay." 

Jared doesn't look at him, can't bring himself to see the pity in those eyes, he thinks if he sees it right now, he really will just break apart. He clears his throat, eyes still downcast. 

"No big deal. Wonder if Joe's still out back. Third time lucky right?" And Jared slides out the door in search of Joe, at least that's what he tells himself, but really it feels more like running away. He finds Joe on the back porch, cigarette in hand and Jared falls down onto the bench next to him. 

His blood's boiling, a mixture of anger and lust and confusion, he's so damn horny, a combination of beer and Jensen, probably mostly Jensen if he lets himself be honest about it and Jared knows this isn't fair to Joe. It isn't fair to look at the guy and compare, to take in the light hair the same as Jensen's, the strong cheek bones, not as soft but still as striking, but it's the eyes he can't get over and as he leans in, presses his mouth against Joe's, he closes his so he can let himself imagine a flash of green looking back at him. He's a real jerk. 

Joe doesn't pull back, wraps his fingers in the shirt at Jared's chest and pulls him closer. The press of lips is hard and Jared's part, tongue darting out, licking across the inseam of Joe's lips. They open on a sigh and Jared pushes forward, tongue sweeping inside, tangling against Joe's. The hand in Jared's shirt fists tighter in response. 

It's nice Jared thinks, maybe he doesn't feel an all-consuming need, a need for fast and now and I'm going to die if I don't have this. It's more of a slow burn in the pit of his stomach, a steady build of need and that works too, he tells himself, but still his mind is niggling away at him, because this isn't what he craves and surely it isn't fair on either of them. 

Jared pulls back, every intention of leaving it at that, a curious kiss on the back porch and he stands searching through his mind for words. Joe's hand is still fisted in his top, and he rises with Jared, pushing him until his back hits the wall. He could stop this, hell he probably should stop this, but he isn't a saint and when Joe's teeth latch onto his neck his hips buck involuntarily against Joe. Single and willing Jared tells himself as Joe's hands find his belt buckle and he groans in response, he can let himself have this, just once. 

This is Chris' porch, anyone could walk out and see and that should mean something to him but it doesn't, he can't really care about that right now because he's so confused because he wants this, but not this and that makes no sense to him. He wants those lips to be fuller, more insistent, he needs those hands to be bigger to be rougher but as the hands abruptly leave his body altogether he moans in distress, because someone's hands are better than no ones. 

Jared opens his eyes to see Joe glaring at Jensen and Jared's face blossom's red with embarrassment as he takes in the scene. Jensen is saying something to Joe, voice low and Joe looks pissed, but Jensen, Jensen looks close to murder and Jared's lust hazed mind can't really comprehend what's happening. As Joe skulks away Jared feels that haze lifting feels anger filtering through. Anger that he sees matched in Jensen as he turns to him, why had he wanted those green eyes looking back at him so badly? 

"What is your damn problem?" Jared asks, fastening his belt buckle, his fingers shaking a little in embarrassment and rage; get a hold of yourself Padalecki. 

"What are you doing Jared?" Jensen's ability to evade questions is starting to piss Jared off, more than getting cock-blocked by his supposed friend. 

"Not getting laid apparently." Jared scoffs. He's pretty sure it wouldn't have gotten that far with Joe, just a nice fumble in the dark, one you forget about and put down to too many beers but it's the principle, it's the sheer arrogance of Jensen's actions that has him so worked up. 

"Don't be a dick." Jensen says and Jared looks at him in disbelief, him? He's pretty sure that out of the two of them on the porch the dick right now isn't him and he opens his mouth to tell Jensen just that. They're face to face, Jared with his back against the wall still and he's not really sure how that happened, nor is he sure how Jensen crowds him in further, fuses his mouth against Jared's to prevent any further argument. It just, it sort of happens. 

And there it is, the fire that he's been missing. He feels it scold as Jensen presses hard against him, soft lips working, tongue flicking, and then his teeth bite down on Jared's bottom lip and he can't stifle the moan that works from his throat. Need is coursing through his veins, from the simple contact of mouth against mouth, but really there's nothing simple about it. 

He should be angry, he is angry, but he feels himself melt into Jensen, because this is Jensen, the guy he's been dreaming about for the past few months. He groans as Jensen's leg rests between his, thigh pressing knowingly against him and that feels good, it feels so much better than good, but damn it's not nearly enough. He's hard and needy and he can't help himself from bucking against Jensen, anything to get a little more pressure, a little more friction. 

When their lips finally part, Jensen trails his down along Jared's jaw, his neck, until he finds the spot Joe had been working and bites down hard, it'll leave a mark Jared knows, it's almost as if Jensen is branding him his and fuck that's hot. 

"Jesus Jen." Jared blurts out, if Jensen just touched him, he just needs Jensen to touch him, but the heat of Jensen's body is replaced by cool air as Jensen steps back and their eyes hold, Jared panting, lifting his fingers to brush over swollen lips, he can still feel Jensen there, can still taste him and then Jensen's gone. 

Jared sags down against the wall, more confused than ever. Did Jensen just kiss him? Did Jensen just kiss him and then leave? He wants to cry, he's so damn frustrated, his body is worked up without any hope of release and his mind is fucked up, what just happened? 

He sits there waiting for reality to hit him and when it does he pushes himself up, goes to find Chris but is only greeted with Chris' message that Jensen left, 'pissed off about something by the looks of it', and Jared thinks that that makes two of them. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


	6. Chapstick, Chaped Lips And Things Like Chemistry

Jared wakes, a sweaty tangle of limbs and bed sheets, turning to look at the clock he groans. It's been a recurring theme over the past few days, tossing and turning most of the night, sleeping, only to fall into dreams of Jensen. He's pretty messed up right now, has been since Jensen's mouth had decided to assault his own, since Jensen had stopped just dropping round, since Jensen had pretty much blanked him all week. What's up with that? It's not like _he_ kissed the guy!

He's pissed and confused and just pretty damn angry, but surprised? No, he shouldn't be surprised, after all Jensen has a damn good track record of pretending things that did happen didn't. If Jared let's himself think about it though, if he pushes past the anger and confusion, there's maybe a little hurt just there under the surface too.

With anger or confusion he'd just let it go, it'd pass in a few days, after he got it out of his system but hurt, hurt is a different matter. He needs to address it, needs to talk about it and let it out, he just doesn't know who to talk to. He hasn't called Sandy, despite the fact that he's started calling her at least four times, only to hang up at the first ring. She's usually his go to gal, but he's not sure he's ready to talk this out with her, he knows she'll be sympathetic and she'll listen and he needs that but he also knows then she'll have one of her amazing insights that will just screw him over again, and he's not sure his mind can deal with that as well right now.

He can't really talk about it to any of the guys either, though he knows Chris and Mike have sensed that there's something up between the two of them, he can't tell them what that is, because Jared isn't really sure who knows about Jensen and he's pretty sure he doesn't want to be the one to out him to his friends and damn, this is beyond complicated.

After a rather brutal training session, where he's been on the receiving end of Jensen's surprisingly effective cold shoulder, Jared decides it's time to bite the bullet and tries out a hypothetical situation with Mike.

"So, if someone you liked and had a thing with a while ago just kissed you and then ignored you and acted like it didn't happen,erm, what would you do?" Jared asks words stumbling over each other in his rush to get it all out.

"Joe?" Mike asks, then shakes his head. "Wait, I thought you only met the other night?"

So much for hypothetical Jared thinks.

"It's not Joe. You... You don't know him, he's just a guy from college." Jared rambles on, okay this is weird, this is uncomfortable and weird to be talking to Mike about kissing Jensen without Mike knowing it's Jensen. This was a stupid idea. He should leave. Why isn't he leaving?

"Okay, so let me see if I got this straight. You had a thing with this guy from college, and you like this guy?" Jared nods at Mike's question. "And he kissed you, but now he's ignoring you and pretending it didn't happen?" Mike raises an eyebrow and Jared's not sure if he's put two and two together and gotten Jensen and wouldn't that be just his luck. Jensen would pretty much hate him then. He feels like a twelve year old girl, he hasn't had a conversation like this since, well, ever, but when he thinks of twelve year old girls talking about their crushes, he thinks this might be what it sounds like.

"Yeah, he kind of pretended we never had a thing back in college too." Jared feels stupid, because he sounds lame, right, and Mike is going to probably, no definitely, just laugh at him.

"Well the guy sounds like a dick." Mike states, no laughter, just a slight smile and Jared finds himself laughing nervously at that, but can't really believe it. He'd thought that too, when he'd met Jensen again earlier this year, he'd thought that maybe Jensen was just an ass, but then he'd gotten to know Jensen and Jared just can't believe that anymore. "And I'd say he isn't worth your time, but then maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. You should probably just talk to him."

Jared looks at Mike sheepishly, he's not sure what he was expecting from Mike, but actual advice wasn't it, advice that made sense was even further from it. "But he's ignoring me."

"JT, you're a 6' 4 overgrown puppy most of the time, put you in a room with just about anyone and they'd break." Mike teases before his voice softens and it isn't pity Jared sees there, it isn't! Or so he tells himself. "Just, just go talk to him, yeah?"

It's not a big revelation that they need to talk. Jared's known it all along, he just didn't really want to, because Jensen so obviously doesn't want to. But hugs Mike, tells him thanks and promises to talk to the guy, to Jensen, he's going to talk to him and sort this whole thing out and maybe, yeah maybe Jensen doesn't want him and he'll be fine with that. He will won't he?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He's staring and who can blame him, because Jensen is lying back on the bench, arms strained above him, weights pushing down on him and his muscles are taught, sweat running over skin and Jared has to shake his head to clear his mind, to tear his eyes from the view, because he didn't come here just to ogle, he came here to talk, to sort this out.He misses Jensen, he'd gotten used to him just dropping round, just hanging out on the porch or the sofa with beer and TV, with Jensen's laughter ringing out and now he hasn't got that and his house feels quiet and empty and if he would admit it he feels pretty damn lonely.

So maybe it was a mistake, that night. Maybe Jensen had been drunk and it'd just gotten out of hand and Jared can forgive him for that, if he'll talk to him, if Jensen would just please talk to him, because as nice as it would be, had been, to have that mouth, that body pressed up against his, he's not sure it's worth the friendship they'd been building.

"Your indecision is annoying me." Jensen says as Jared hovers in the doorway and it's the first words he's spoken to Jared in five days.

"Shouldn't someone be spotting you?" Jared asks and Jensen merely huffs out a breath, sets the weights down, sits up and aims shrewd eyes at Jared.

"Did you really come here to talk health and safety bullshit?" Jensen smirks, towelling the sweat from his arms and Jared's almost sorry to see it go. Jared shakes his head and Jensen nods before carrying on. "So spill it, what's up?"

Jared's pretty sure his jaw drops, pretty sure he stands open mouthed for a good few minutes before his mind reengages, because what is this? Jensen hasn't spoken to him in the past week, has pretty much avoided him and now, now he's just talking like they would any other time. _Maybe I'm going crazy_ , Jared thinks, _maybe I've finally cracked up._

"What's up? Really?" He chuckles humourlessly to himself, arms raised in defeat. "As if you're doing this again man, no, I can't do this.  _You_ can't do this. You can't sleep with someone, you can't kiss someone and then pretend it never damn happened!"

Jensen just shrugs his eyes avoiding Jared, and Jared wants to throttle him. "So we slept together and yeah I kissed you. It's no big deal."

Before Jared knew Jensen, before he got to see beneath that armour of his he wears, he might've taken that how it was meant, he might've taken that as a brush off as if Jensen didn't care, but Jared can't forget those nights on his porch when he'd gotten to see the real Jensen and maybe those words sting all the more for it, because he thinks he can brush Jared off like that and Jared will just take it.

"So you've decided to finally acknowledge that night happened then?" Jared asks, he's trying so hard not to fall apart here, to keep his cool.

"It's not like I was denying it." There's that shrug again as Jensen stands moves over to the bench at the side, pulling off his sweaty t-shirt and Jared tries to not think about the way it clings to Jensen's back, tries not the think about Jensen's bare skin and he's thankful when Jensen slips a clean shirt over his head because how can he be this angry and this horny?

"No, you were just pretending you didn't know me, pretending that I haven't had your cock in my mouth, in my ass." Jared's face turns red as he says the words, talking like that during sex still makes him a little uncomfortable, but here in the bright light of day, fully clothed, yeah he feels pretty awkward and he hastily carries on whilst he's still got the nerve to form words. "And what was that kiss all about?"

If Jensen shrugs one more time, Jared's pretty sure he's going to hit him, because his patience is close to non-existent at this point, would it kill the guy to show a little damn emotion. Maybe? "Something to think about."

And that's it, that's the final straw for Jared, his cool composure, or whatever he had left of it just snaps, because this isn't fair. He'd been so certain, so damn sure in that kiss that Jensen had wanted it too, but the guy standing in front of him is so cool and aloof and he can't put those two together.

He's stalking forward before he realises and Jensen has the sense to back away, it doesn't stop Jared though, just allows him to cage Jensen in. He doesn't use his height to his advantage off the ice usually, but he's boxing Jensen in before he even really realises he's doing it. Jensen looks up at him and Jared catches just a hint of fear in those eyes, like a deer being caught in the headlights, before he's leaning down. His mouth hovers close to Jensen's, so damn close he can feel Jensen's breath against his face. He wants to move in, wants to take, but he's giving Jensen the opportunity to stop this, to push him away and when he doesn't Jared can't help but crush himself against him.

His mouth moves hungrily over Jensen's, his tongue relentless and seeking. It's good, it's hot, it leaves Jared wanting so much more. He wants to drown in the taste, in the textures of Jensen and never leave. His hands are gripping Jensen's hips, pinning him effortlessly against him, he's rougher than he intends to be, knows he'll leave marks on Jensen's skin and that sends a wicked thrill through him.

Jensen raises his hands to Jared's chest, to push away or pull closer, Jared's not sure, but he doesn't give Jensen the opportunity to decide just keeps the assault on Jensen's mouth going and that's when he hears, when he realises what this is all about, a small moan escapes from Jensen's lips and Jensen melts against Jared any resistance ebbing away. That's all he really wanted, all he needed to prove, that Jensen wants this just as much as he does. Whether he was trying to prove it to himself or to Jensen or damn both of them, he's not really sure.

Regretfully Jared pushes his body back disentangles himself from Jensen and warily raises his head to look at him.Jensen's still got that look in his eyes, that deer headlights one only there's the intensity of desire behind it now and Jared, despite hearing what he wanted from Jensen, feels pretty damn shitty right now. He's not a take what I want kind of guy, he doesn't push things and he pushed this he knows that. It doesn't matter that Jensen kissed him first, it doesn't matter that Jensen acted like a dick about it all because he feels pretty much worse.

"What was that?" Jensen ask, voice quiet. It slices through Jared, because he did that, he caused that and he curses inwardly.

His voice is rough when he speaks, his words harsh despite whatever guilt he's feeling. "Something to think about." And Jared leaves Jensen the same way Jensen left him, and if he thought he felt shitty then, well he didn't really know the meaning. Fucking ruined it, he thinks and his hands shake with effort to just keep walking away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They're back to that mutual level of dislike. Jensen doesn't drop by and Jared doesn't confront him about it. They let on in training, when it's expected, they go out together when they're invited, but it's pretty much settled that their friendship is over, and that they're never going to talk about what happened.

It's just Jared's luck that Mike decides to follow up on their conversation when they're having lunch with Chris and Jensen.

"So , did you talk to that guy?" Mike asks, and Jensen's eyes snap to Jared's so quickly, Jared's wonders how he didn't give himself whiplash. Chris merely looks over his burger with slight intrigue and Jared's pretty sure there's mischief in his eyes.

"Joe?" Chris asks, and Jensen looks as if he wants to punch something.

"No." Mike explains. "This guy from college that Jared had a thing with and likes but the guy's being a complete idiot and ignoring him and then kissing him and then ignoring him."

Jared wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole, he's never wanted anything more, because Jensen is looking directly at him and he knows that Jensen knows that it's Jensen that Mike is talking about even if Mike doesn't know and damn this is too confusing and messed up. And fuck Mike for just airing his love life, or apparent lack thereof it, for them all to hear.

"Well that guy sounds like a jackass." Jared chokes on his drink at Chris' words and prays for someone to come save him from this.

"So did you?" Mike asks, and when Jared stares blankly back at him he adds. "Did you talk to him JT?"

Jared swallows the lump in his throat, because what is he supposed to say, Jensen is sat right there. Oh yeah, he thinks, I went to talk to him and ended up just man-handling him and kissing the fuck out of him, yeah, yeah, he can't say that out loud.

"Erm... yeah." He looks down at his plate, his fries becoming suddenly very interesting.

"And?" Mike prompts.

"And I pretty much blew it." Jared doesn't look up, doesn't see the way Jensen frowns at his words, just keeps on prattling along. "Whatever it was, I guess it's done so, yeah."

"Man that sucks, I know you liked him." Fucking Mike, and his fucking stupid timing and Jared wishes he'd never spoken to Mike in the first place because look where it's gotten him and more than that he basically just told Jensen that Jared likes him, could this be any more humiliating.

And then Mike's talking about their upcoming match and Chris is arguing over what the best offensive play would be and Jared thanks god the conversation is over, but still he can't lift his eyes, can't look Jensen in the eyes, so he just mumbles something to them about the bathroom and leaves the table.

He should have known, he thinks to himself. For those few weeks, everything had been good, everything had been great. He'd felt like he had family again. He should have known that couldn't last.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Fucking Padalecki. Oh wait, isn't that what got Jensen into this fucking mess in the first place? Still, he'd probably have done it again, even if his head is completely screwed up right now.

He'd kissed him. What the hell had convinced him to kiss the kid, oh yeah a healthy dose of unresolved sexual tension, jealousy and idiocy. But he'd done it anyway and anyone that knew would have said that that was him staking a claim. But it wasn't.  _Was it?_ No, damn, he just had a little thing for the guy, no one could blame him. Especially seeing as he knew exactly how hot it was. Don't let your mind go there Ackles.

"Did you really have to mess with the kid like that?" Jensen asks Chris that evening as he hands his friend a beer, not that the guy deserves it.

He'd thought he'd been being subtle with the whole Jared thing and after it had all blown up last week and Jensen had committed to frowning and bitching for the next eternity Chris had sat him down and told him he was being a dick head.  _'You fucking want P_ _adalecki_ _just screw him already'_ Chris had growled out and Jensen had looked at him, eyes wide, because he'd never told Chris he was gay, he'd never mentioned Jared and then his mouth had been spouting out words before he'd really thought about them. ' _That_ _ain't_ _really the problem Chris'_ he'd drawled full of damn confidence whilst inside he'd been screaming.  _Shitshitshit_ , because now Chris knew, and damn how long had Chris known and well, shit.

"Fuck. Jensen, that was a visual I didn't need." And Jensen was even more confused because Chris was talking like this was nothing. Like he hadn't just outed Jensen to Jensen. He'd thought about telling Chris the truth about a million times, about just sitting him down and saying hey I'm gay so yeah, and he hadn't because no matter how many times he'd imagined the guy's reaction it sure as hell wasn't just pure acceptance, the kind of acceptance where it doesn't even need a conversation. He really hadn't given Chris enough credit, he'd done him and their friendship a disservice there.

"What the fuck did you do?" Chris had accused, and Jensen should have been pissed about that because why was Chris assuming that this was his fault, but then he'd thought about it and realised he couldn't be pissed because, damn it, it was his fault and then he'd stalked off from Chris because he knew he was a jackass but he didn't need his best friend telling him too. And they hadn't brought it up, hadn't broached the subject until that damn stunt in the diner.

"Mike knows right? That's why the two of you are messing with him?" Jensen groans leaning back on his sofa, he'd come to the conclusion that Mike must know because whilst his luck was bad it wasn't that fucking bad.

"So Mike maybe knows."

"What the fuck Chris. Did you just take the first opportunity to shoot your mouth off, I can't-" If Jensen was using his mind properly he'd realise that Chris isn't that guy, that Chris is his best friend and he wouldn't hurt him like that, but he isn't, he's feeling blind panic at the whole situation and when Jensen gets scared he gets defensive.

"Hey! Hey!" Chris says holding his hands up. "The guy came to me man, said Padalecki had come and had a chat with him and how we needed to bang the two of your heads together."

Now Jensen really is speechless, Jared told Mike! But before Jensen can find his voice to curse, to cry, to just say something, Chris steps in, anticipating where Jensen's train of thought is heading.

"Hey no, it wasn't like that Jen, Jared didn't tell Mike about you. It was like how Mike explained in the diner, Jared just wanted some advice so he invented this 'college friend' and even though Mike ain't the sharpest tool it didn't take him long to put two and two together."

Jensen just looks up at Chris, he feels clueless, because how does someone take that conversation and get Jared and Jensen.

"Jesus, the sexual tension between the two of you is-" Chris explains.

"-What?" Jensen's head is starting to pound, because this is all getting too much to take in.

"Get the two of you in a room together and it just shoots right up man, like you just wanna rip each other's clothes off and go at it."

It wasn't like that? Was it like that? Jensen had pretty much tried from the beginning not to let his feelings show. Was he really that obvious?

Jared had been, well, Jared had been damn amazing, he'd been the nail in the coffin for Jensen. That game they'd played together, Jensen had seen him on the ice and just about drooled, because at eighteen Jared had still towered over him when they'd met each other on the ice and there'd been something about that that lit him up inside, that and the way the guy had beamed at him as if they weren't about to face off. 

He'd been thinking about it for a while before that game, about the fact that he was probably gay, he'd dated girls, he dated guys, slept with both of them and it had been nice either way, he'd been leaning to the guy side and then he'd met Jared and he'd just had to have. And so he'd taken, pretty much without thought, and then he'd freaked out, the only way Jensen does, because the thought had crossed his mind that maybe it wasn't about being into guys or girls, it was about being into Jared and that was ludicrous because he'd known Jared less than twelve hours. And then he'd really thought about it and he'd realised he'd known Jared less than twelve hours and he'd just taken the guy's virginity.

After he'd left, gotten back to Boston, he'd pushed Jared to the back of his mind, left him there, okay so maybe brought him out for a few fantasies or two (who can blame him) but that was it, until he'd seen him again, until he'd joined the Bruins. And when Jensen had met him, the star of his late night fantasies, he'd pretty much reacted the same way he had the first time he'd seen Jared, want and need, but this time he hadn't let himself take. Instead he'd kept his distance, he'd tried to stay away and still despite all of that he'd been drawn in, he'd become Jared's friend and that had only made things a million times worse because now as well as wanting Jared, Jensen pretty much liked him too.

Then he'd seen him with Joe and he'd nearly lost his mind, jealousy working inside him because no one should get to touch Jared like that except for him. Maybe it was because he knew he was the first to have Jared, to show him what sex really was, maybe that made him feel like Jared was somehow his property, he wasn't sure, he'd just found himself pulling Joe away telling him to never touch Jared again. As if Jared was his property, what kind of freak even did that? When he'd turned to Jared he'd seen lips swollen, eyes filled with lust and anger had risen in his chest hot and demanding because he should have been the one to put that there. It had been pure instinct that had had him pushing Jared back against that wall, no thought to who the hell saw him, just this incessant need to erase all thoughts of Joe from Jared's mind. He could have, would have, taken Jared the same as he had the first time, without thought of the aftermath, just a slave to his desire. It had been Jared moaning his name that had sliced through whatever mental fog he'd had, that primitive beast that had taken over, and he'd jerked back, away, suddenly hating himself. He hadn't stayed, he'd run away, tail between his legs, like the damn coward he tries to pretend he isn't, before Jared could say anything. He hadn't wanted to see those lust filled eyes turn to disgust, didn't think he'd be able to ever forgive himself if he did.

"So what did you do to make the kid think he blew it?" Chris asks breaking Jensen's thoughts, and isn't that the million dollar question.

"I dunno Chris, that was pretty much a shock to me, I thought _I'd_ blown it."

"So go fix it. You know he's interested."

"I'm not looking for anything Chris. He's not the 'let's just fuck' kind of guy. We already tried that and I don't want anything more."

"Keep telling yourself that" Chris scoffs, sounding slightly exasperated, but he doesn't pull Jensen on that, even though they both know it's mostly a lie. A lie that Jensen hopes he can keep telling himself.

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~

From the moment he'd realised he was good, round about his sophomore year in high school, Jared had always told himself that nothing would affect the way he plays hockey. Even when a scout stood on the sidelines, a scout that would literally decide his whole college future and whether or not there would be one, even when his parents had practically disowned him and he'd been couch surfing his senior year, he hadn't let anything take this one last thing from him. When everything else goes to shit around him, it doesn't matter, because Jared has always known that this is the one thing that can't be taken from him. So why, he wonders, is his frustration getting the better for him. He curses himself as the Rangers' left wing steals the puck for the third time this period and pushes past him. What the hell is happening? Sure it's been a tough match so far, hard fought and still they're only drawing one all, but Jared hasn't brought his A-game, hell, he's not even sure this is his B-game and it worries him, which is only hindering him further. He could pull his hair out.

As they switch out Jensen slams his hockey stick into the bench before throwing himself down, it isn't unlike a child throwing a hissy fit Jared thinks and it suddenly doesn't seem like Jared's the only one feeling it out there.

 "You guys finished prancing around in your pretty little skirts yet?" Kripke shouts at them and they both mumble inaudibly. Kripke wants this game, they're currently sitting top of their division, thirteen wins to seven losses but the Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs are biting at their heels for pole position and Kripke wants to stay there, wants to dominate.

They should be 3-1 up, at least. If Jared hadn't fumbled the puck, that stupid left winger wouldn't have stolen it and he'd have put it safely in the back of the net, the goal was open for goodness sake. And Jensen, Jared thinks Jensen might be feeling it more than him because he'd had a shot, just him and the goal tender and he could've made, has done in the past, but he'd sent the puck wide and cursed a streak. It seems like they're both having a bad day. Jared's trying not to read anything into it. Just because they're both having a bad day doesn't mean it's a product of this thing they've got going, or well, the lack of a thing they've got going. No, it's just a coincidence.

Rafferty takes a hit, hard enough that even Jared winces and suddenly the Bruins have a power play. Kripke turns to them, shouts. "Okay guys get your heads out of your asses!" before lowering his voice to suggest plays and remind them of the Rangers' weaknesses.

Jared notices Chris shooting both him and Jensen a puzzled look as they take to the ice but he doesn't have time to process it or its meaning. He's psyching himself up, he can do this. He wasn't fazed by the pre-season or even when he'd stepped out for his first real NHL match, he isn't gonna fall apart now. He won't let himself.  He thinks of the people that believe in him, Sandy and Jerry, there's Kripke in his strange way, and the fans, the fans that have come to see him play decent hockey not this piss-poor performance and yeah, sure it's not the biggest list of supporters anyone ever had but it's enough to strengthen his resolve. He might be okay letting himself down, but he can't do that to those that still believe in him, however misguided he thinks they might me.

His strengthened resolve however doesn't stop his fumbled passes and his easy steals through the second period. His pep-talk in the break doesn't make his feet work like his brain's telling them to and he stumbles through the third period. Jared sends up a silent prayer of thanks when Chris steals the puck and faces down the opposition's goal tender, sliding the puck between his knees, and the crowd goes wild as the whistle blows, the clock stops, and the score line reads 2-1. They hold off the Rangers whilst the clock counts down the last two minutes of play and Jared's heart beats wildly in his chest, because he needs this win, really needs this win. And then the clock reaches zero and the Bruins fans are singing out an ode to Christian Kane and Jared's world settles. Just one bad match he thinks, and still he didn't lose it.

There shouldn't be this buzz in the locker room, they hardly deserved the win but that seems to notch the mood up even higher, even if Kripke ripped them a new one. Jared's smile is full and vibrant and he can't remember the last time over the past few weeks that he's actually felt as carefree as this, which obviously is when fate, that fickle friend of his, steps in, in the form of Chris shushing everyone to make an announcement.

Still wet from the showers and towel slung around his hips, he stands on the bench, raises his hands to draw attention and quiet the locker room before speaking. "Padalecki's hosting the after party!" He roars, before the locker room descends back into chaos and Jared can refute it. He groans inwardly as he hears Chris shouting his address and giving directions to a few and he slouches back against the locker.

"He was gonna throw you a house warming party at some point." Jensen says from his left as if this is a standard occurrence, Chris just opening up his house to everyone and Jared thinks it might be the first words they've spoken to each other that weren't I'm open and nice pass since he'd lost his head and kissed him.

"I haven't got anything to drink." Jared admits. Sure he might be annoyed that Chris just offered up his house, when really all he wants to do is fall into his bed and pass out for a few hours, but hey, it might be nice, it might be great.

"Don't worry, Chris'll already have thought about that." Jensen chuckles. "They guy lives to throw a party."

And then as abruptly as that conversation started, Jensen's gone, in search of clothes, and it's over and for a first conversation since Jared fucked it all up, he doesn't think it went that badly at all.

 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The party is pretty much in full swing and Jared reckons he doesn't know half the people there but he just grabs another beer and shrugs, he's got too much of a buzz going to really care. As long as the house is still standing and Chris does the clean up in the morning then he's not gonna bitch about it, it's even kinda nice.

He's come to realise over the past few months that this is part of the post game ritual, the drinking and most likely the screwing, at that thought his eyes immediately latch onto Jensen, he's across the room laughing with Chris. They haven't really spoken since the locker room and Jared feels sorta foolish for thinking that one exchange of words had somehow fixed everything. He wants to be over there, he used to have a spot over there in that conversation and sure, yeah he could just go over, he could. But he's still  standing here pining like a damn twelve year old.

Head lifting Jensen's eyes meet Jared's, holding, before Jared realises he's just been caught staring. Blushing, he mumbles to Mike an excuse to get away and ducks out of the room heads for the stairs. Fuck. He'll just hide out for five minutes, no one will even notice.

Jared's exhausted he realises, and maybe his buzz is actually sliding just a little bit over into drunk, he should probably cut himself off after this bottle. The bathroom seems as good as any place to hide out for a few, reclaim his composure before heading back out, but as he walks down the landing he notices the shut door and the closed lock.

Arms folded Jared leans one hip against the wall and groans because he can't do this anymore, the tension in his body is literally going to kill him if he doesn't get some relief. It's been a while, he realises, since he slept with anyone, before he joined the Bruins, hell, probably before his last finals. And being close to Jensen, having Jensen assault his mouth has worked his body up into overdrive. There's only so much you can really do for yourself.

Jared doesn't hear the footsteps, too lost in an absurd fantasy about Jensen but he's surprised when the fantasy bleeds over into reality, in the form of hands wrapping around his sides pressing against his stomach. Jared starts at the unexpected touch, turns to see Jensen a breath away. He wasn't going to kiss Jensen again, he swore he wasn't going to let this happen again but as he sees the desire he's feeling echoed back to him in Jensen's eyes Jared can feel his resolve come crumbling down. Jensen presses forward, body moulding against Jared; his voice smooth as silk whispers into his ear. "Fuck I want you."

Jared's heart shouldn't quicken at that admission, his muscles shouldn't tense, but they do. He wants to find his voice, wants to tell Jensen _God yes_ , and _please_ because he's damn tired of waiting to feel those hands on him, that mouth on him, but he can't, doesn't want to break the spell of whatever is working between them. And then Jensen's lips are on his, and there's no time for words. Jared's mouth opens on a sigh of surprise, Jensen's tongue taking advantage and sweeping inside. It's like he's trying to devour him, it's sloppy, it's wet and Jared can only moan for more because goddamn it's hot. The mouth against his works fast, working Jared up into a frenzy. It's an assault on his senses, the feel, the taste, it's almost overwhelming and Jared prays it never ends.

Jensen grinds himself against Jared, hard cock brushing against his thigh. Jared hears a keening sound and fuck, was that him? Did he just make that needy little whine? He should be embarrassed about how that sounds but then Jensen moves against him again and his mind goes completely blank of any thought but skin and want and now, dear god, please now.

Jared's hands scrabble for the hem of Jensen's t-shirt, shakily trying to tug his t-shirt up. Too many clothes, he thinks, why are they still wearing clothes. He tries to ask Jensen but it just comes out as a half mumbled groan against Jensen's incorrigible lips and Jensen's answering chuckle vibrates through his chest and damn that's a whole new level of hot.

Unconsciously Jared's body moves forward, tries to chase Jensen's lips as he pulls away. Just one more taste he tells himself, just one more and he'll be satisfied. A hand to his chest effectively stills any forward motion holding him back against the hard wood and Jared is starting to have a thing for walls and Jensen.

Jensen's eyes are intense as they gaze up at Jared and if Jared had the brain power or the ability to think anything other than now, he'd try to figure out what the hell that means and why it seems to make his chest so damn heavy. The rattle of the bathroom door startles both of them, Jensen stepping back, Jared moving cautiously to the side, trying to make themselves look inconspicuous, as if they weren't just sucking face a second ago. Stupid, he thinks, so damn stupid to just go at it the hall way, anyone could fucking see. Justin pops round the door, nods at the two of them as he passes and Jared lets out a breath. A breath he sucks right back in as Jensen grabs his hand pulling him into one of the rooms as Justin disappears around the corner.

It takes Jared a few moments to realise that that's his bed, that this is his room, he thinks Jensen might have broken his ability to think. That is until he sees Jensen on his knees in front of him, (how did that happen?) hands working his belt open and fuck, okay this is happening? Is this happening? And Jensen's hand closes around his dick, Jared's breath catching in his throat and dear god yes, finally it's happening.

Jensen pulls him out, hand working him up and down, twisting on the upstroke, but it's not like he really needs it he's so damn hard already and he can't help but push forward into the firm grip. He looks down at Jensen eyes blown with lust, and they haven't spoken, they should really speak about this, about what this is but then Jensen's tongue darts out licking over the head and Jared has to lock his knees to stop himself from falling, a groan working its way from his throat and he doesn't want words he just want more of that. It was just a lick, a small flick of Jensen's tongue and Jared thinks Jensen might just kill him with that mouth.

He's had this before, Jensen on his knees in front of him, it had been hot then, it's just as hot now, except maybe more so because he knows what that heat is going to feel like when it envelops him, he knows how Jensen is going to tease and then ruthlessly take and he tells himself he's prepared, that he remembers but he has to grip a hand in Jensen's hair to keep from falling as Jensen sucks the head into his mouth because it's so much more than that memory.

He can't hold back the words anymore, "God yes, Jensen!" spills from his mouth and there's an answering moan from Jensen, the vibration causing Jared's hips to thrust forward and Jensen's hands roughly grip Jared's hips holding him still. He wants to move he wants to thrust into that heat, wants to bury himself in it and the fact that he can't, that he has to just stand there and take it, is only driving him higher.

"Fuck. Oh fuck." He wants to tell Jensen how hot he looks looking up at him with his cock in his mouth, lips obscenely tight around his length, but he can't find the words as Jensen swallows him down. His fingers tense in Jensen's hair breath heaving. Jensen's cheeks hollow and Jared closes his eyes on a whimper, any thought of holding back long forgotten. It's too soon and he's too close. He tries to pull Jensen up, tries to let him know he's about to lose it, and that he should back off but Jensen just holds his ground sucking harder, mouth moving faster over him. One hand leaves his hips, cups his balls and Jared tenses, feels the pleasure become almost too much until he can't hold back any longer and he's pulsing into Jensen's mouth and Jensen, he's just taking it, drawing back a little so he doesn't choke, a drop of cum spilling past the corner of his lips as he swallows the rest down and Jared's knees are buckling from his orgasm, from the look of Jensen in front of him, from the sheer onslaught of that mouth and he braces a hand on Jensen's shoulder the other still gripping, probably painfully, at hair.

Jared tugs with that hand when the sensation becomes too much and Jensen finally pulls back, Jared's cock slipping from Jensen's mouth. Jared's breath heaves his muscles still tensing through the aftershocks as Jensen stands. Jensen's mouth presses hungrily against his again and Jared can taste himself there, salty and bitter and he chases it from Jensen's tongue until all that's left is Jensen.

Jared's vaguely aware that Jensen's still hard against him and through the haze he manages to work Jensen's jeans open, finger fumbling with the effort. He slides a hand down the front of Jensen's boxers pulling Jensen free and Jensen leans his head into Jared's shoulder as Jared rubs his thumb across the head of his cock, slicking the wet precum across the skin. Jensen thrusts into Jared's hand, mumbling into Jared's ear, _fuck yeah_ and _god Jay_ and _don't stop_ and it spurs Jared on, makes him hot all over again, because he did this to Jensen, he brought Jensen to this and he revels in that power.

It only takes a few tugs, a few twists before Jensen's body stutters against his, murmuring groans as he coats Jared's hand.

It's all heavy breathing in the aftermath, Jensen's head still resting on Jared's shoulder and Jared can't quite believe what just happened. What does this make them? What did this mean? And he should ask, he really should but he can't quite bring himself to break the comfortable silence. It should be awkward Jared standing with his trousers and boxers around his ankles, Jensen with his jeans open, cock still hanging out, but it isn't it's just nice.

Jensen is the first to break their embrace, pull his head back from Jared to look up at him and then his body leaves and Jared has tostop himself from moving forward stepping back into that heat. Jared feels tension start to work its way between them as Jensen tucks himself away before closing his jeans and Jared reaches down to pull his trousers back up. He can suddenly hear the party around them, the music, and he hears laughter from outside the door, most likely Chris', it sounds like Chris and his heart stutters because they just did this in the middle of a party, in his house and the door wasn't even locked and he hadn't given a second thought to anyone out there. He should be freaking out about that, right?

Jensen doesn't seem to be freaking out though, he just smiles at Jared presses a small kiss to his lips before speaking.

"That was..."

"Yeah..." Jared lamely agrees, where has his voice run off to?

"We should... Er..." Jensen waves his hand between them and Jared thinks he means this, us and again and Jared feels a little relief.

"Yeah, yeah." Jared hastily agrees and a smile spreads across Jensen's lips, he leans up to press in another kiss before stepping back, openingthe door and slipping out.

Jared's heart is beating fast and he slumps down on the bed, realises his hand is still coated in Jensen and he wipes it across his jeans. He can't quite believe what just happened and despite his stunned mind, a stupidly big grin breaks out across his face.


	7. Come right out and say it

Once the buzz of alcohol and the haze of sexual satisfaction has worn off Jared slowly begins to lose his mind. He'd spent the rest of last night eyeing Jensen across the room, trying not to let on as to what had just happened in his bedroom, even though his mind was racing and all he really wanted to do was just get another taste of Jensen, in order to believe that this was real, that he hadn't just imagined the whole thing. But despite having to just stand there and pine he'd felt elated because Jensen had just blown him and then he'd been sweet and awkward afterward and Jared had liked that he'd managed to make the always in control Jensen lose just a little of his cool.

But that was last night and waking up to the bright light of day had triggered the start of a little freak out. A freak out that had Jared lying awake in the early hours of the morning, because they hadn't really talked had they, they'd just grinned like loons at each other and stuttered words. And they'd both drunk their fare share. Lying there, counting the dents in his ceiling he wonders, he worries, because Jensen doesn't exactly have the best track record does he? And that's the real problem, sure they'd both agreed they wanted to do that again, but they hadn't made plans, something concrete that Jared could cling to. And though he knows better, Jared's worried that he's going to walk into training tomorrow and Jensen will be back to his sullen, ignoring Jared, usual self. Can he really cope with that again?

His brain is overrun with possible situations, the way this could all turn to hell and he finally decides, as he glances at the clock, to drag himself out of the bed. No point lying in, burying his under the covers all day, despite how much he might like to do that right now.

Taking in his house as he descends the stairs, he groans, beer bottles and plastic cups are strewn across any and all available surfaces. So much for Chris tidying this shit up. As he enters the living room he notices Mike sprawled across the couch, face down, arm dangling over the edge and Jared finds himself smiling as he throws an empty cup at Mike's head, watching him lazily rub his hand over the site of impact and turn in search of the source of the throw.

"Dude, uncool!" Mike groans as he notices Jared, before turning to sit up, misjudging the size of the sofa and landing squarely on his ass on the floor. Mike scowls down at the floor as if it was the floors fault he just landed there and Jared can't hold back his laughter, cracking up as Mike turns his scowl on Jared.

"That's what you get when you crash on the couch. I've got bedrooms with beds upstairs man." Jared explains shaking his head.

"Yeah, me and the stairs sorta had a little disagreement, but the sofa was my friend."

Jared snorts in laughter at that and half wishes he'd been around to see Mike's 'disagreement', possibly so he could've videoed it and blackmailed him with the threat of YouTube, yeah he really wishes he'd been there for that. When he takes in Mike, still slumped on the floor, with drool clinging to his chin Jared thinks it's probably a good thing they've got the day off, Mike doesn't look like he's fully sober yet, doesn't look like he's anywhere near being sober.

He leaves Mike on the floor contemplating how to get his ass back on the couch, and grabs some black bin bags from the kitchen. Sure he knows Chris will come round later to help out but he's just got too much nervous energy right now and he needs to do something to stop himself from dialling Jensen's number and freaking out, or worse driving to Jensen's to get his hands on that body again. Yeah, tidying up, keeping busy, good damn idea.

"Stop moving so fast, you're hurting my head." Mike moans. Having finally managed to make it to the sofa, he flings himself back into the cushions and Jared thinks he makes a pretty good drama queen. "Why are you even up at- what time is it?" He looks over at the clock "-10AM!" Mike throws his arm over his eyes in disgust. "Why the hell are you cleaning at 10am? Why the hell have you woken me up to clean at 10am? You are supposed to be drunk enough to sleep the whole day away. That's the rule."

Jared just chuckles bottles clinking as he throws them in the black bag, enjoying the way Mike winces every time they bang together.

"I couldn't sleep." Jared concedes, his dreams had been filled with Jensen, again, only maybe a whole lot steamier than usual after the incident in his bedroom last night, every time he'd closed his eyes he'd been able to see Jensen on his knees in front of him, looking up at him with eyes blown wide with lust and it was starting to make Jared a little crazy. "Thought I'd get a start on the cleaning." He doesn't add that he just needed something to do, something to occupy himself, so he didn't go molest one of their mutual friends.

Mike peeps out at Jared from behind the arm he has pressed against his face and fixes a somewhat serious look on his face. "You okay JT?"

Jared would love nothing more than to pour his heart out to Mike right now, but he can't really use his hypothetical situation anymore, he can't explain what's happened with Jensen to Mike without _really_ explaining it all and that's not an option right now. He could call Sandy, really he _should_ call Sandy, she's already going to be pissed about all the stuff he didn't call her about. But, it's just, he'd love to speak to another guy about the whole situation. You see in Jared's experience Sandy has this annoying habit of romanticising things and Jared's pretty sure he just needs the hard hitting truth. Still, Mike can't be that guy, maybe he could call Chad, although fat lot of good Chad would likely be, he'd just tell Jared to stop being a pussy.

"Yeah I'm good man, just an early bird. You can crash up stairs you know? You want some aspirin?" Jared's getting good at brushing off questions he doesn't want to answer, it's a skill he's picked up and honed the last few years, to stop people prying into his life further than he's comfortable with. Mike doesn't mention it, just looks at him thoughtfully for a minute as if he is going to say something but then he just nods and follows Jared into the kitchen thinking better about whatever it was he was thinking of saying and Jared's grateful for that, he's ruined enough friendships because he didn't want to be as open as his friends had wanted him to be.

When Mike takes up his offer of a bed  and leaves to crash in the spare room, Jared's thankful for the space. He sits down heavily on the sofa, head resting in one hand, the other thumbing through his contacts, hovering over Jensen's number. But that'd be lame, or presumptuous to text him or call him, yeah, and he talks himself out of it thumbing down to Sandy's number.

The phone rings twice before she picks it up and Jared can hear the sunny smile in her voice as it comes rumbling down the line. "Jare! I saw the match last night, tell me you're not sulking."

Jared almost laughs because in truth he'd forgotten all about the game, about how abysmal he'd played, at the moment it's the least of his worries. When he'd had a game like that at college he'd sulked for days until Sandy would turn up at his place beer and DVDs and she'd pull him out of his slump with laughter and really corny rom-coms. She's the one thing he truly misses about Vermont, he really wishes he could just have her here, but she's got another year of her degree left and it would be really selfish to ask her to give that up for him, she's already given up too much. And Jared knows that if he asked, she really would, he's pretty sure there's nothing she wouldn't do for him and he feels pretty much the same.

"I'm fine." Jared tells her, because in terms of hockey he is.

"And why don't I believe that?" She teases and it's the same tone his mum used to use and it makes his heart ache something fierce.

"Can we talk?" He asks, and he doesn't like the way his voice shakes a little as the emotion of that memory gets the better of him. It doesn't hurt all the time now, not like it did in the beginning, but there are moments when something reminds him and the pain just comes rushing back.

"What is it?" Sandy asks her voice gentle and it isn't helping Jared, but he takes a deep breath, clears his throat and pushes all that back, he's got enough to deal with right now, without having a meltdown.

"So, something kind of happened with Jensen." Jared grits out and listens as Sandy squeals down the line at him, well it's not like he really needed his eardrums anyway.

"What? What happened, spill!" Sandy demands and Jared is talking away, telling Sandy about Chris's party and Joe and then Jensen and then he tells her about the gym and him kissing Jensen and the week that followed where they just didn't speak. Jared's always felt a little awkward talking about his sex life with Sandy, hell, with anyone, he just doesn't like to go into details, makes him feel awkward so even though he can't see her he still blushes and stammers down the phone as he talks about last night.

"And now I'm freaking out because what do I do now Sands? I know he said that we should do this again but what if he didn't mean it, we'd drunk quite a bit. I can't do it again Sandy. I can't. Should I call? Is it too soon to call? Or I could just drop round for some reason right? What reason? I could-"

Jared knows he's rambling can't keep the words from nervously falling from his mouth, oh god, he's a sap.

"-Jare." Sandy's voice is full of understanding. "Breathe. Hun, you don't do anything, yet, at least not today. You need to let Jensen make the next move or at least give him the chance to. Besides if he doesn't drop round or call today, you'll see him tomorrow right? Training."

Jared hums in approval, he could do that right, he could wait for Jensen to turn up or call. But then what if he doesn't, what if Jared turns up to training tomorrow and it's the same as always?

"But what if-" He tries to voice his concerns to Sandy.

"No. He's not gonna do that, he said he wanted it to happen again right? And he never said that the other times yeah? From what I can tell he isn't the kind of guy to say things he doesn't mean."

Jared feels decidedly better by the time he gets off the phone, he also feels decidedly worse. Sandy's words and his own feelings have pushed him to believe that this time is different that Jensen isn't just gonna brush it off like he did, but still, he's got this niggling feeling in the back of his mind, because that still doesn't tell him what this is.

"Jesus are you still pacing?" Mike groans from the doorway. "What's got you so worked up JT?"

"Nothing." Jared grits out. He's working off his nervous energy by cleaning every inch of the kitchen.

Mike opens his mouth and Jared knows he's gonna have to think of something to tell Mike about but then he hears a shout from the front of the house, the front door opening then banging closed causing Mike to press a hand to his head and wince and Jared can honestly say he's never been so happy to see Chris in his life.

"Mikey!" Chris greets loudly, strolling easily into the kitchen earning a punch to the side from Mike, which Chris only chuckles at.

"Aw, is someone feeling a little delicate today?" Chris teases, earning a grin from Jared and a scowl from Mike. "I came to help tidy, but it seems I'm not needed."

The scowl vanishes as a smile works its way over Mike's face and it puzzles Jared. "JT was trying to keep himself busy."

"No I wasn't, I just couldn't sleep." Jared lies and Mike merely snorts at him sharing a look with Chris that has his face blooming into a smile and Jared feels like there's something going on here that he doesn't know. It's like joining the middle of a conversation and having no point of reference.

"We should have parties here more often if I don't have to do any clean up." Chris jokes looking round the now very tidy home and Mike and Chris don't bring up whatever it was they were talking about and Jared feels like he should be annoyed but then the conversation shifts to last night and who hooked up with whom and who Chris is gonna give shit for the rest of the season and Jared forgets all about it.

They spend the afternoon on the back porch looking over the garden, still wildly overgrown, he's going to get to it, soon, he really is. When Chris leaves Mike tags along with him and Jared's left in the eerie quiet, but it's nice, if a little lonely.

A house like this, he realises, needs people and family, a little like himself, he thinks maybe Sandy is right, maybe he should get himself a dog. There's a rescue place he drives past on the way into Boston and every time he does he has to stop himself from pulling over and going in for a look because he knows he won't come out without at least one more member to his family.

A dog would love the garden, he thinks, it would chase through the grass that reaches his knees, it would dig in the flower beds and find hidden treasures to bring back to him. He's going to stop in when he next has a few days off together and maybe a run of home games and he should probably look into that dog sitting thing Sandy talked about before he does anything though.

But still, it would be nice, to come home and find that kind of unconditional love only an animal can give waiting for him. His own little family.

As the sun begins to set his anxiety sets in again because there's still no word from Jensen, no phone call, no visit and the longer it goes on the more he begins to question that Jensen really meant those words.

When his phone buzzes on the working top Jared nearly collides with the table in his haste to pick up it up, instead jarring his hip and he's breathless from the pain when he answers, having already seen the caller id, he knows it's Jensen.

"Hello." Jared breathes heart beating so damn fast.

"Hey Jay." Jensen answers and there's a moment where Jared thinks maybe he should say something, he should say something right? If only he could find his words, luckily Jensen speaks again before he has to. "You... Err. You wanna come round?"

"Yes." He blurts out before he can a hold of himself. Then he stops before his mouth runs embarrassingly away with itself and takes a breath. He can do this, he can act cool and calm. "Sure when did you fancy."

Jared glances at the clock, it's already half eight.

"Whenever you want man." Jensen says and Jared has to take another breath to stop himself just jumping in the car and driving there right this minute.

"Okay, I've got a couple if things to handle here and then I'll head over." Jared hears himself say, yeah that works.

"Okay." Jensen's voice seems to light up with the word as though he was maybe unsure before and Jared feels strangely happy because now he knows he wasn't the only one sitting in the 'question-every-damn-word-I-ever-say' boat. Why didn't he realise Jensen was right there with him too? "I'll see you in a few then yeah, Jay?"

Jared tells Jensen yeah sure he'll be there, before hanging up the phone and staring at his hands. He sits like that for at least ten minutes, just wondering what the hell to do next, he doesn't have any things he needs to sort, nothing at all, that had pretty much been a lie.

The drive to Jensen's is short and Jared thinks maybe he should've walked, that would've wasted more time. He pulls into a parking spot outside Jensen's apartment, stills the engine and just waits. There's a song on the radio, a woman singing about loneliness and fear and a restless hope, it's pretty apt for how he's feeling right now. After a good twenty minutes Jared decides he really can't just sit and wait here any longer and he climbs out of the car.

His heart races as his fist falls on the door, a simple knock of knuckles on wood and he waits. He'd been so damn excited when Jensen had called, but as the hour since that call drags on, through the drive and the sitting and climbing the stairs, his mind's had too long to plot about all the ways this isn't what he hopes.

But then Jensen swings the door open wide, smile blooming across that perfect face at the sight of Jared in the doorway and it all just floats away, that anxiety, that fear, it's just gone because he's looking at Jensen, beautiful Jensen. God he loves him. And then that anxiety is building for a completely different reason, love? No, it isn't love yet Jared tells himself, it's just a little infatuation. Sure it is. Nowhere near love.

"Thought you were gonna change your mind." Jensen smiles at him and Jared looks back, puzzled, he never gave that indication, did he?

"Your car." Jensen starts, stepping back to make room for Jared to walk inside. He's been here before, but somehow, this time, it's different. "Saw you pull up. Figured you were talking yourself out of it."

Jared doesn't have words for that, because all he feels is extreme embarrassment at the fact that Jensen knew he was out there, cowering. He just sits heavily on the couch and leans his head back with a sigh. So much for not looking like an idiot.

"You want a beer?" Jensen asks whilst heading into the kitchen and Jared shouts out a yes.

Jensen hands Jared a beer before sitting down on the sofa next to him. The TV is on, a football match but Jared hasn't got a clue who's playing because Jensen is right there, and sure he's been that close before but not since this thing actually started. Jensen shifts and their thighs brush and Jared has to stop himself from jumping at the contact. They sit like that watching the match or well, Jared thinks Jensen probably watches, but Jared's too hyperaware of Jensen to care. They don't really talk and Jared starts to feel slightly uncomfortable when the silence drags on into an infomercial and he feels the need to fill it.

"Chris stopped round earlier. I'd pretty much already tidied up, which I now realise is an error on my part because he'll keep offering my place for parties if I do all the clean up." Once Jared opens his mouth he can't seem to stop the words from tumbling out. He knows he's rambling. "You should've seen Mike this morning too. The guy must've been wasted, found him on my couch and he bitched about me waking him up at ass o'clock in the morning. What does the guy expect when he crashes on the sofa when there are perfectly good beds upstairs. Oh yeah about that, he said that he had a disagreement with the stairs. I swear he's -"

Jensen's hand runs across Jared's thigh and his mouth abruptly stops it's embarrassing flow of words. He turns to finally look at Jensen, sees his mouth upturned in a smile, the kind that you give to small children and Jared ducks his head. Jensen's hand is still on his thigh, thumb moving in a lazy motion which is making Jared hot all over.

Jared finds the courage to look back at Jensen face flush with embarrassment and a building lust, he opens his mouth, to let out another stream of babble or to apologise, he's not sure. But then Jensen's slowly leaning in, he pauses a breath away, eyes locked and Jared's breath hitches.

It' a gentle brush of lips, so different from any kiss they've ever shared before and it melts Jared's heart. Jensen's mouth works against his, slowly slipping his tongue into Jared's mouth and he's surrounded by taste, beer and chips and something that Jared's coming to realise is purely Jensen. It lights a fire in his blood and he shifts closer, needing to feel Jensen against him.

It's as if Jensen was waiting for that, for that acceptance from Jared because as he scoots closer, Jensen's fingers dig into his thigh and it shifts from to gentle and slow to hot and fast and Jensen's mouth is attacking him as if he can't get enough and Jared's right there, tongue tangling, teeth nipping and a groan rips from Jared's throat.

It's too fast, Jared's brain screams, his body wants this, it wants Jensen's teeth on his jaw like that, it wants those hands working underneath his t-shirt, god yes it wants them. But Jared's been working himself up over this since yesterday and he needs to know what this is. Regretfully he pulls back, breath coming fast and searches for words.

Jensen's looking at him thoughtfully face flush too. A sparkle of desire in his eyes.

"Should we... Can we, talk about this?" Jared doesn't like the way his voice shakes, he doesn't want Jensen to see how shaky he is about this. Jensen's teeth start working along his jaw again and Jared tries pushing him back. "Like what is this? What are we doing?"

Jensen's fingertips tease down Jared's arm, body flush against Jared's side, damn that's distracting.

"You don't want to?" Jared asks, when Jensen just sits there. Jared feels Jensen's shrug, if he hasn't said it before he really hates that damn shrug, then the rush of warm breath across the back of his neck as Jensen sighs.

"It's just. I want you. You want me. It's just sex. It's simple." Jensen doesn't meet Jared's eye as he says that and Jared's thankful because he's not sure he can hide the dejected look on his face as his stomach drops.

"Oh." He lets out. _Just sex_ he repeats to himself, _just sex_ , it's becoming a mantra in his mind, as if somehow the more he hears it, thinks it, the more it'll get it through to him. But it doesn't, the words just seem to lose all meaning, and there's an ache in his chest that he won't quite admit to. Jensen made him no promises, it had just been an offer for more of the same, but he'd thought, maybe... fool. He's been a goddamn fool again. This is just, this is friends with benefits he realises. He can do this right? Sure he can. Yeah... There's really no way he can do this.

Jensen's still plastered against him, teeth teasing at his ear, and Jared knows he should go, he should get out of here, and this, before he lets himself fall any deeper.

"I should go, you know, practise tomorrow and it's late." It's a lame excuse, it's half-hearted, and there really isn't any conviction behind the way he gritted out the words because he really doesn't want to go and miss out on this, but he has to try to salvage some portion of his self respect.

"Hm-hmm." Jensen hums against his skin, spreading his palm across Jared's stomach, fingers dangerously close to the waistband of Jared's jeans, and despite his words Jared isn't pulling away, because this is Jensen and Jensen wants him and it's tempting to just take this, to just accept what he can get, Jensen is so damn tempting, and really how can he turn this down? How can he turn down the answering need building in his gut, in his heart? Still, he needs to stop this, why isn't he stopping this.

"Just let me, first." Jensen says fingers inching down sliding beneath his jeans, his boxers and his hand's enveloping Jared and any protest Jared could muster is lost as lets lose a moan that rises in the back of his throat, because that's good, that's so good. There's no hesitation in the way Jensen touches him, it's rough and it's sure and it's just enough pressure to make Jared want to scream and those last defences he's struggling to hold come crumbling down, because damn if he doesn't want this. He's lying to himself about a lot of things, but he really can't about that.

Jensen presses kisses behind Jared's ear, then his lips devour the curve of Jared's throat, all while his hand mercilessly works Jared, who's head falls back, groan tipping from his mouth and any thoughts of leaving are long gone, there's no other thoughts than _holy hell_ and _more please more._

Jensen's whispering in his ear about how good he's going to make him feel. "Can't wait to be inside you Jay, gonna be so good, gonna make you feel so damn good." And Jared nearly loses it right then and there, back bowing off the couch, muscles tense. Jensen knowingly grips the base of Jared's cock to reign Jared in before it's too late and Jared lets out a moan that he's not sure is in thanks or frustration. His mind is a haze of lust and need and he can't comprehend what's happening as Jensen pulls on his hand dragging him up off the sofa towards the back of the apartment .

"Off." Jensen demands, when his fingers curl in to the hem of Jared's t-shirt, dragging it up to reveal skin, miles of sun-kissed skin. Jared jars his hip on the door frame as Jensen pushes him backwards into the bedroom, whilst still wrestling Jared's t-shirt up over his head and then Jared's legs hit the bed and he's tumbling back onto the soft mattress as Jensen follows him down. Jared doesn't have time to take in any details of Jensen's room, his attention being completely focused on Jensen as he drags Jared's jeans and boxers down his long legs and off and Jared suddenly feels very underdressed sitting there in his birthday suit whilst Jensen is still fully clothed. Jared thinks he should be scared by the predatory look Jensen sends him as he takes in Jared's completely naked body.

"Your turn." Jared says, trying to quell the sudden burst of nervousness he feels at Jensen's appraisal, before reaching out for Jensen's t-shirt and he's surprised at how his voice sounds low and rough and like he can't quite get enough air but he has little time to dwell on how embarrassing that should be as Jensen grips the back of his own t-shirt pulling it over his head and then Jensen's chest is right there in front of Jared and Jared can't help leaning forward, drawn in by the smatter of freckles, can't stop himself from indulging and trying to press kisses to each one. He's so full of Jensen's taste and Jared's never wanted anything more.

Jared groans in protest when Jensen's body leaves his. Opening his eyes he smiles when he sees deft fingers unbuttoning trousers and the sound of the teeth of a zipper pulling apart is music to his ears. He can't do anything but stare when Jensen is standing there in just his boxers, he feels himself drawn forward by some invisible force and reaches out for the last scraps of material between them, but Jensen just bats his hand away and Jared feels a growl build deep in his throat that doesn't quite make it out, gets stuck and he nearly chokes on it as Jensen strips out of his boxers, because holy hell Jensen's naked!

It's not the first time Jared's seen Jensen naked, he'd thought, at twenty two, that Jensen was hot, thought he'd never see a body like that again but now Jensen's twenty-four and two years with the NHL have only made Jensen's body leaner, harder and Jared is stunned by the man standing before him, stoking the fire in his blood. He's even more stunned because he gets to have him.

He wants to savour it, this moment, just for a minute, he wants to remember this feeling, of contentment, of elation, because he's getting what he wanted. The moment's over too soon as Jensen's moves over him reaching for the bedside table, rooting around in the draw. Jensen sinks down into Jared, jostles his hips making his cock slide against Jared and Jared's lost in the feel of skin against skin, he's close, just a little more friction is all it would take. As much as he wants that, as much as he's chasing his release he wants Jensen to be inside him when it happens. He groans, mumbles when Jensen does nothing more than grind against him, and Jensen shushes him with his lips. It's a rough clash of teeth and tongue and Jared still needs more.

He reaches for Jensen, curls his fingers around his thick length and is pleased as he feels the air of a stuttered breath against his face. He did that. He grips Jensen tight, twists his hand as he slides it up and down. When he looks up Jensen's watching him, pupils blown wide with lust, his eyes drop to Jared's lips and Jensen groans. "I wanna fuck your dirty little mouth. Wanna know what it feels like when you make those hot little sounds of yours around my cock." Jared's hand stutters on Jensen's cock and Jensen chuckles as he buries his face in the warmth and heady smell of Jared's neck. "You want that?" Jensen asks and they both know by the way Jared's hips jerk and his breath heaves that it doesn't really need an answer. "Not this time." Jensen says and Jared has to bite back a whine, but given the smirk playing across Jensen's face he knows he didn't fully succeed.

The last of the whine dies in his throat as he hears the tell tale sound of a cap snapping open, watches as Jensen squirts lube onto two fingers and Jared spreads his thighs a little wider. He breathes deep with anticipation as Jensen settles between his legs, one hand stroking up the inside of his thigh and then he feels the first finger push, gentle but sure, inside him. He tries to control his body as he feels Jensen pull back before pushing forward again.

He mewls beneath Jensen as he feels the burn of second finger entering him. And he loves it. He loves this, loves the care a lover takes opening him for sex, loves the way Jensen's fingers scissor inside him, the stretch of his rim, loves the way his body bows as Jensen curls his fingers just right and hits that spot that has Jared seeing stars.

He doesn't realise he's speaking, doesn't realise that _god yes, fuck, more more more, please,_ is falling from his lips until Jensen shushes him.

"Soon." Jensen drawls and Jared's not sure he can last that long, not sure he'll make it, but then the stretch is suddenly more as Jensen adds another finger and his mind is lost in a whirlwind of pleasure. His eyes close as his hips buck uncontrollably beneath Jensen. He thinks he might hear Jensen mutter "Fuck you're tight." but he's too lost to care.

Jared's panting, begging now. "Please Jen, oh God please." Not sure if he's pleading for Jensen to make it stop, push him over the edge, or draw out this delirium forever. He doesn't care how needy he sounds, doesn't care about anything but the sensation Jensen is creating inside of him. But then Jensen's fingers are gone leaving him feeling empty.

Jared's mouth waters as he hears Jensen rip a foil packet open, watches as he rolls it over himself, before slicking his cock with one hand, the other grazing over the smooth hard flesh of Jared's stomach. When Jared arches up into the caress, Jensen pushes Jared forcefully down, pinning his hips to the mattress.

Despite the prep, it still burns as Jensen pushes the head of his cock past the first tight ring of muscle of Jared's ass and Jared lets out a distressed whimper, closing his eyes against the intrusion. It's been a while, a long while since he's done this. Jensen just stills his movements, hand rubbing back and forth over Jared's stomach, a gentle soothing motion.

"You're doing so good Jay." Jensen praises, as he starts to push forward again, and though Jared still feels beyond full it's easier. "Opening right up for me."

It's a slow agonising glide before he feels Jensen's hips against his and Jared lets out a stuttered breath. Jensen becomes still again giving Jared a chance to adjust, then starts little rocking motions that are driving Jared insane, because it's nowhere near enough. Jared opens his eyes to look at Jensen and is surprised by what he finds, if he didn't know better he'd think Jensen looks a little rattled, a little uncertain, like he's not quite sure about this whole thing. The spark of lust in Jensen's eyes is reignited as Jared grips Jensen's hips and pulls him harder against himself. This time his whimper is purely pleasure.

It's like that movement, that one touch breaks the control Jensen has been clinging to and he pulls back before thrusting hard and deep inside Jared. Jared tries to match the slow forceful thrusts but Jensen's got both of his hands on Jared's hips now.

"You're fucking killing me." Jensen groans out as his hips move a little faster. Jared lifts his legs, wraps them around Jensen's back in the hope of getting some damn leverage, but Jensen never falters from this infuriating rhythm or loosens his tight hold on Jared's body. Jared twists beneath Jensen and the change of angle has Jared crying out.

"There. Fuck. Jesus. Fuck. Right there." He's not sure what the rest of his mumbling comes out as, a plea for Jensen to never to stop, to keep hitting that spot maybe, because it's lighting Jared up inside, it's coiling his muscles tight and he's close he's so close, and he's chasing it, so close to falling, but it's not enough, how is it not enough, he needs something, he needs more.

"Please." He begs and he's not sure he can make Jensen understand that this is torture, this level of pleasure is fucking torture. Jensen's mouth crashes down on Jared's, his tongue fucking into Jared's mouth just like his dick and Jared's pleas for more are lost in the assault. Jared keens through the kiss as he feels a hand leave his hip, move between their bodies slick with sweat and grip Jared tight. Jensen tugs once, twice and that's all it takes as Jared cries out, spilling all over Jensen's hand and their stomachs.

Jared locks his thighs tight around Jensen as he rides it out, as the waves of pleasure crash over him and Jensen's thrusts become more erratic inside him and the pleasure is only spiked higher, his body quaking as he feels Jensen tense, push forward so deep one last time before he buries his face in Jared's neck and cries out as he comes. "Fucking hell Jared." Jensen grunts into Jared's skin. "Jesus fucking Christ!"

Jensen's full weight comes crashing down on Jared and Jared's too fucked out to care. They lie like that breaths heaving, Jensen still buried deep inside Jared, for what seems like forever, but it's still not long enough. Jared winces as Jensen pulls out flops to the side next to him and he feels really fucking empty.

The room smells of sweat and sex and now that the connection is gone, the feeling of Jensen still being inside him, Jared's mind is slowly waking up again and he feels unsure of what's next. It's awkward, or at least he feels it is, the silence that hangs between them, the one that was there before, that started all this. Maybe it's companionable but it's just giving Jared too much time to think. He's not sure if he should leave, if he should stay, if he'd even be welcome to stay. Or maybe Jensen will just fall asleep and then he should go. If Jensen was touching him, if he had an arm over his body or something, or Jared had one over him, then maybe this would be more comfortable. But they just lay there looking up at the ceiling, at least Jared is and yeah this is damn awkward.

Jensen's words from earlier float back into his mind, _just sex_ , he'd said, of course he should be leaving.Jared grits his teeth, fists clenching, body tense, he shouldn't feel like this after a release like that, and maybe Jensen senses Jared's discomfort because he finally breaks the silence.

"Thought you were going?"

And Jared wants to punch him, hell he wants to punch himself, because that shouldn't hurt, that shouldn't feel like rejection. He can't look at Jensen as he struggles to find his boxers, his jeans, he's covered in his own come and he feels dirty, why does he feel dirty? He's never felt like that after sex, except maybe that first time, with Jensen, when he'd woken the next day to an empty bed and the realisation that he was just a lay and really how is this any different. It might even be worse. He worries his bottom lip with his teeth as he slides his boxers on. Why isn't he speaking, where did his voice run off to, this is so awkward.

"I didn't mean you had to go Jay." The silence finally breaks and Jensen's voice is quiet, hesitant, and Jared isn't quite sure what to make of it. "You just said... before... that you should... and I thought... but you could - can stay."

Jared spots his jeans, legs sticking out from under the bed and he grabs them, steps into them as Jensen speaks. His heart feels like it's on a roller coaster, it soars as Jensen finishes those words, as he realises Jensen wants him to stay but Jen's other words are still echoing in his head, _just sex_. If Jared stays it's going to make him want to be here, not just tonight, not just for the sex, but for more. He should have left earlier he realises, it would have been easier, it would have been better. He needs some distance now, to decide if he can do this with Jensen, just this, and no feelings, he's never been that kind of guy. For Jensen he finds himself wanting to be. And he knows, he knows he's already screwed.

Clearing his throat, Jared pulls his shirt over his head. "No you're right I should go, we've both got an early start tomorrow and a busy week." He tries to keep his voice light, tries to make the smile believable.

Jensen rises from the bed, pulls on a pair of boxers and walks Jared to the door. It's never been weird like this between them, even when they didn't like each other, not that they do now, wait, do they like each other now? "I'll um, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, tomorrow man."

He doesn't notice the hint of disappointment in Jensen's voice nor does he look back to see the disillusioned look on Jensen's face as the door slams.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Jensen's quiet when he picks Chris up, it isn't uncharacteristic for Jensen to just sit and listen but usually he does at least listen. It takes Chris to say his name three times for him to realise that Chris was asking something and he hasn't got a clue what or what the hell Chris has been babbling on about for the last twenty minutes.

"I'm a dick." Jensen groans out to Chris, for ignoring his friend because he's stuck in his head but also, mainly for the way he treated Jared.

"Well that's nothing I didn't already know." Chris' laugh earns him a jab to the ribs from Jensen.

"I'm being serious here man." Jensen sighs and Chris turns his full attention to him spreads out his arms as if to say lay it on me.

"I think I fucked up. Jared asked me what this thing was and I said just sex." Jensen bangs his head on the steering wheel as they stop at the lights. He hadn't meant to say that to Chris, to just let it all out, he hadn't meant to say it to Jared, it had just been knee-jerk reaction and if he's honest he'd been scared.

He'd been scared to tell Jared he wanted something more in case it had sent the other man running for the hills. How can he live up to Jared, how? He's not out like Jared is and he's not sure he's ready to be. He's not ashamed of his sexuality, he's not ashamed to say he's into guys, he's not even scared of how it will affect his career. He just, he doesn't want the intrusion, if he says he's gay then suddenly people will think they have the right to ask about it, about his social life and how it affects him, in a way they wouldn't if he was straight. He's seen it, in that interview with Jared. And he just, he just doesn't know if he can deal with that without going crazy. So yeah, seriously why would Jared ever want anything more with him when Jared's just so together and he's just so... not.

"Yeah you're a dick. You need to tell him."

"Tell him what?" Jensen says as if he hasn't got a clue what Chris is gonna say, of course he knows, he knows Chris too well not to know. Chris just heaves an exasperated sigh his way.

"That you pretty much worship the ground he walks on and you want to live your life together." Jensen chokes on his own spit, because knowing what's coming in a general term and actually hearing Chris say the words are two completely different things.

"I don't." He blurts out, another knee-jerk reaction. It's a denial that neither believes. "Besides he wasn't bothered, he left before the sheets were even cold after we had sex."

And that Jensen realises, is the real problem right now, because sure he'd been the one to say it but Jared, Jared had just agreed to it and damn if that doesn't sting.

"Whoa, you finally stopped pussy footing around each other?" Chris grins.

"That's what you took from that?" Jensen asks in disbelief.

"What, you told the guy it was just sex right? Of course he was gonna leave after it was over. Sex doesn't include cuddling Jenny." Chris laughs as Jensen pulls into a parking space and Jensen scowls, is that it? Is it his fault Jared just took off? He looks around the parking lot, sees Jared's car a couple of spaces down and he realises he's about to see Jared, there's this weird fluttering in his chest and he doesn't really want to dwell on it, tugs open his door and flees the car, but the feeling merely follows.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Exhaustion hits Jared as soon as he parks the car outside his house. It's been a long day, a long day of seeing Jensen and not letting himself touch, despite how much he craves it. Jensen had been on his best behaviour as well, not seeming affected by what had happened between them at all, except for the fact that he is now speaking to Jared again when they're in public, so that's a good thing. Right?

It isn't just the long day though, it's the restless night he'd had after he'd made his way home from Jensen's. He'd tossed and turned and cursed and maybe indulged in a few tears, not that he'd admit it.

It's the same the next night, lying awake worrying about Jensen and thinking it all through in his mind and falling asleep as the sun creeps through his window without working anything new out. He tells himself he should cut his losses, tell Jensen it was nice, but this isn't what he's looking for. He should. But he know he won't. Because the thing is, Jared's pretty sure what he is looking for _is_ Jensen, and whilst he can't have all of him, he should be happy with the little he gets.

He's surprised when he sees Mike and Chris and Jensen on his front walk on Tuesday night. The guys haven't stopped by since well, Chris' party he guesses and after everything that's happened that seems like an age ago. But despite the lapse in visits, they slip easily into the old routine, beers out on the porch, Jensen telling stories about Chris' band days.

"I really need to hear you play sometime." Jared says, and he means it, he'd like to see that side of Chris.

"Thought I saw you had a guitar?" Jensen asks and Jared blushes because that guitar is in his bedroom, and he doesn't want to have to explain how Jensen knows that. Thankfully the guys don't mention it and Jared just makes a hasty retreat inside.

Once in his room, he runs his fingers over the battered instrument and wonders if he can really let Chris play it, it's been a good four maybe five years since it's held a tune. Stupid, he thinks as he lifts it delicately, afraid it might fall to dust between his finger tips, stupid because it should be played, what's the point in keeping the damn thing if it's never used.

He doesn't give himself time to change his mind just bounds down the stairs out the front door and holds it outstretched to Chris. Jensen gives him a curious look, and Jared remembers to school is face into a smile.

"Nice." Chris says as he runs his fingers over it.

"Might need a little tuning. Hasn't been played in a while." Jared doesn't say how long, as he takes his seat again, fingers fidgeting in his lap.

Listening to Chris pluck the strings, watching his fingers tighten the pegs, twists something in his heart. It doesn't take long for Chris to tune it to his liking and Jared sees the skills of a guy who knows a thing or two about guitars. When the first few lines ring out _Livin' with me, it ain't easy, but I do it every day, and sometimes even now, I wanna run away_ there's a country twang Jared hadn't been expecting and then the twisting turns to breaking, because Chris is good, Chris is damn good, but he isn't Jeff, he isn't Jared's brother and this is so wrong.

He doesn't think about it just stands abruptly, walks off the porch and down the front walk. There's tears stinging his eyes and he doesn't want the guys to see him like this, but he can't hold them back as they spill over. He sits in the middle of the front lawn, more like meadow, the grass reaching his shoulders, he really is going to cut it soon, listening to the thrum of the guitar, the steady pace of Chris' voice and he lets it all out.

He'd been ten when Jeff had gotten that guitar and he'd thought it was stupid, asked his brother why the hell he'd want one and Jeff had just shrugged, said that girls thought guys who played the guitar were hot as if that explained it all to Jared.

He'd endured hours of Jeff's practising, hours and hours of the same song played over and over until he thought he was going to go insane, because at the beginning, Jeff really hadn't been any good at it, he'd really kinda sucked and Jared hadn't been shy about telling him so.

He'd been thirteen when he'd finally understood what Jeff had meant. He'd seen Matt, the first guy he'd ever really crushed on, strumming away one lunch time and he'd realised how damn hot that was. He'd begged Jeff to let him play, begged and pleaded for Jeff to show him how, because he'd made up this fantasy in his mind of how being able to play was getting him one step closer to Matt. After a month of whining Jeff had finally given in, had sat him down and shown him how to play.

It never did get Jared any closer to Matt, but it did get him closer to Jeff, it was a thing they'd do, just sit and play and when Jeff had left for college, he'd given the guitar to Jared, told him it was his now, that he could mind it for him until he came home to play it with Jared again. And whenever Jared had felt lonely, wishing his brother was there, he'd pick up that guitar and play one of their songs.

It's the only thing that wasn't practical, like clothes or shoes, that he'd taken when he'd left, the only thing he couldn't bear to leave behind and he realises now, sat sobbing silently in the grass of his new house that he's been waiting for Jeff to come find him. To just sit down with him and play one more song. To tell him everything will be okay. But hearing Chris' voice behind him, he knows now that that's a dream he has to let go of. He really doesn't have a brother anymore.

The guys don't say anything when he dries his eyes and takes his seat again, but Jared doesn't miss the looks that pass between them.

"You missed your calling man." Jared manages to get out, hoping to lighten the suddenly tense mood.

"Nah." Chris denies, turning a thumb to Jensen. "But Jenny here, he definitely did."

Jared smiles at that, and it's a genuine smile that flits across his lips. "You should play something."

Jensen looks like he might protest but then Chris and Mike both shoot him a look and Jared really wishes he knew them a little better so he could understand the silent conversations the three of them seem to have. Jensen just shakes his head, accepts the guitar that Mike thrusts at him and starts to thrum the first few chords of a song that Jared doesn't recognise at first.

Jared knows he's staring as Jensen begins to sing _I can feel her heart beat from a thousand miles and the heavens open every time she smiles_ but he just can't help himself. Jensen's shy about this Jared knows but he loves that he's comfortable enough here to try anyway, not that Jensen should be shy about it, because he's got an amazing voice. Jared's face breaks out in a grin as Chris joins in for the chorus s _he give me love, love, love, love, crazy love_ and then he doubles over in laughter as Mike joins in too, because Mike really should never sing and somehow despite Chris and Jared not being able to control their laughter and Mike just singing away, Jensen's voice is still there, his fingers still strumming and Jared suddenly feels a hell of a lot lighter than he has in a damn long time.

He still hasn't got everything figured out, doubts he really will. He's pretty much a mess. But despite that, despite everything that has happened, despite whatever might happen, he has this, he has these guys right now and he doesn't know what he did to deserve it, but he's so damn thankful.


	8. Be My Escape

"He's in love with you, you know?" Chris says out of the blue as they're relaxing on Jensen's sofa and Jensen nearly chokes on his beer.

"Jesus, warn a guy." Jensen splutters, not daring to acknowledge Chris' words.

"I am. I'm warning you that he's in love with you and that you need to get your head outta your ass." And Jensen's blocking it out, really he is, Chris did not just say that. Chris is not sat on his sofa, well sprawled across it, has Chris ever just sat, does he even have the ability, Jensen doubts it. But Chris is not sat or sprawled there, drinking all Jensen's damn beer and dropping bombs like love out of nowhere. Jensen really needs to get better at lying to himself. Or maybe just a new best friend.

"He doesn't." Jensen starts, it makes his heart beat fast and his blood run hot as he dares to really think about the idea. He shouldn't let himself indulge in it, but his brain isn't really giving him a choice right now. "I mean - he hasn't said anything."

Chris sighs in exasperation. "Oh really? Would you confess your love to the guy who full out told you, you were just having sex?"

Chris pauses waits for that thought to really sink in. That fucker. When Jensen swears, because really if he could take those stupid words back he would, Chris adds. "Didn't think so. You're a dick you know?" As if Jensen wasn't currently mentally calling himself that and another few choice insults.

"Love you too." Jensen spits back, but really Chris isn't telling him anything he doesn't already know, he's just voicing it aloud, which somehow seems to making him feel even shittier. He's really fucked this up, like majorly fucked this up. He'd spent so long pretending Jared just didn't exist, somewhere around two years, and then he'd fallen slap bang back into his life, because, well, fate is a cruel bitch that for some reason seems to have taken a great dislike to Jensen, and then all the feelings he'd been telling himself didn't exist just, came crashing down on him, like how he hadn't been able to get Jared out of his head since the first night they'd met. So then that night with Jared, when the questions had started, about what they were and what they were doing, he'd panicked, and his mouth had spouted words before he could even think about them, and really his mouth should not be able to ever talk again if that's what it comes up with and now it's fucked. He's feeling more, so much more than sex, but how does he tell Jared that. He just doesn't have the words. He wouldn't know where to begin.

"So, me and Mike decided you need to tell him straight." Chris' voice cuts into his current mental crisis.

"You and Mike?! Please stop talking about my sex life with Mike, please just stop talking about my sex life." Now Jensen's got this image of the two of them meeting, probably covertly, because that sounds like something Mike would do, because, well, it's Mike, to talk about him and Jared and that, is a mental image he really never needed.

"He's a little broken you know?" Chris' voice gentles and Jensen pauses mid-sip through his beer.

"Who Mike? Who doesn't know that." Jensen quips.

"No, Jared. You can't tell me you didn't notice him fucking breaking down on his own lawn the other day." And Jensen couldn't forget that, really who could forget that, the image of Jared sat alone in all that grass. It hadn't really been the tears that had got to Jensen, it was the way Jared had just broken down like that, the way he'd been sat right there and yet looked so far away. Jensen had been afraid to touch him, to get up and reach out, to offer a shoulder or support. And really that's something he should have done. He just hadn't known how to reach out like that. As Chris and his mind keep telling him, he's really a bit of a dick sometimes.

 "He gets real quiet sometimes." Chris continues. "Which is so un-Jared, but I can't put my finger on what that's all about."

Jared's never out-right told Jensen what it's all about, what causes that little wistful look he gets in his eyes, but Jensen's fairly sure it's something to do with family. Whenever the topic comes up he's noticed that Jared always seems to veer away from it or make these non-committal answers, the kind that let people know they're not really welcome to pry any further. The worst, Jensen's come to think, is when people talk about their own families, about their traditions or plans because Jared gets that far away look, a happy smile will play at the corner of his mouth and Jensen can tell he's remembering but then he shakes himself out of it and Jared just looks haunted, a crinkle in his brow that makes Jensen want to smooth it all away, because no one, at twenty should have a look like that.

He finds it so disconcerting to see Jared like that. Everyone sees this guy who's so bubbly and full-of-life and Jensen thinks he's just managed to scratch beneath the surface of all that. And sure, that's a huge part of Jared, a part that Jensen loves and well, hates, and you can't really judge him for that unless you've dealt with a sugar high Jared, and anyone that has wouldn't dare judge. But below that happiness and openness and love Jensen's got a glimpse of the hurt that he thinks might just drive Jared. It shouldn't, but it makes him intrigued, it makes him want to know the details so he can maybe hurt the people that put that hurt there or just make it so Jared never has to think of them again.

"I'm just saying, if you don't do this right, you're gonna break him more." Chris says, no nonsense tone to show his seriousness. Maybe Jensen should be pissed about that, but he kind of really likes the fact that Chris has taken to Jared like that, that he'd defend him like that. And really, those words aren't anything he's already said to himself.

"I know." Jensen sighs. "I know." The only problem is that he isn't sure whether or not he'll break himself in the process too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Instead of just talking to Jared though, like he knows he should, like a normal human being probably would, Jensen tries to subtly let Jared know what's going on, which ultimately doesn't work, of course.

After training that day Jensen asks. "You wanna hang out? Watch a game or something.?"

"Really? Dude, your lines suck you know." Jared replies, leaning against the side of Jensen's truck and doesn't catch the disappointment that flits across Jensen's face. He really sucks at this doesn't he, because well subtlety didn't work but then being damn serious and asking for more didn't seem to go down too well either did it?

"No I mean it. You wanna hang out?" Jensen twists his fingers together, a damn nervous habit that he really needs to quit, waiting for Jared's answer.

"Why?" Well that definitely not on the list of answers he expecting.

"Because I like hanging out with you, okay? And... This isn't just sex for me anymore." Well shit, he hadn't meant to say that, had he? Sure, he was getting round to bringing up the whole I want more than sex issue, but really just blurting it out like that hadn't been in his plan. It's just that when he gets within five feet of Jared his brain just melts. He has moves, not right now, but he's pretty sure he used to have moves. And really, he'd love it if they decided to grace him with their presence sometime soon because now he's standing, like an idiot his mind racing. What if Jared really did just want sex? What if Jared doesn't wanna hang out with him? What if he read this completely wrong? and dear god this thing is gonna give him a coronary. How do people do relationships, like really, how? And why?

He sees the cogs turning in Jared's mind can tell he's thinking it through but Jensen has no idea what he's thinking and that's damn infuriating, he feels like he just spilled his guts, when really he hasn't told Jared anything, he just doesn't do this kind of thing okay. The feelings or whatever. And he'd figured with two guys he'd need to do it even damn less.

"Okay." it's just one word and it's slightly awkward afterwards, the two of them climbing into the car. And Jensen should really say more, he should but he just doesn't know how to say how his heart gets big and heavy and like its gonna break out of his chest when he looks at Jared. But when he leans over and kisses him, slow and sweet, he hopes that somehow that says it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Over the next few days and that talk, where the two of them really didn't talk, Jared wonders when he became so afraid. He wonders it as he corners Jensen the next day at training, as the words just get clogged in his throat and he feels like he's choking on them, as Jensen just looks shamelessly at him, eyes full of promise, as if he's waiting for Jared to say something, before just walking away. He wonders about it as he lies awake that night, mind restlessly trying to fight the dread that's slowly been building inside of him all day. He wonders aboutit the next day as he's surrounded by the guys, plane ticket in hand, Vancouver and the Canucks waiting for him and he tells himself the words can wait another day, another week because for the moment he has this, and surely this is enough.

He's a coward, he can't hide that from himself, but he just keeps remembering that moment on the porch with Mike and Chris and Jensen, and he keeps feeling that lightness in his chest and he can't bring himself to say the words to Jensen. Can't say I want more than this or I can't keep doing this, because he's not ready for the consequences. He's not ready for Jensen to walk away and shatter the illusion he's holding onto.

What their previous fight, the one that kinda started this all, has taught him, is that Jensen is pretty much a package, one that includes Mike and Chris and nights on his porch and yeah sure, the guys wouldn't cut him off completely he knows that, they're not complete assholes. But without Jensen he doesn't get to have those quiet nights with the sun setting and the beer flowing and Jared's been starved of the feeling of belonging for so damn long that he just isn't ready to give that up. And maybe that's selfish, hell, he knows it's selfish, but for once he just wants to feel whole for a while. So he quiets that voice in the back of his mind, the one that tells him that he's being stupid, but he just doesn't want to break the status quo. And maybe, though he won't admit it, he's not ready for the possibility that he tells Jensen he wants more and Jensen actually stays.

The week is a blur of ice, drills, games and Jensen's lips, Jensen's bed, Jensen. He'd thought, stupidly, that having sex with Jensen would somehow lessen the need, but every time he loses himself with Jensen buried deep inside him he can only think of how badly he wants to do it again. Right away. Jensen calls him insatiable. Not that he protests. He's a guy after all, right? Jared just thinks he's going crazy.

 _Just sex_ he tries to remind himself, even if Jensen said it was more, Jared's still holding on to that, it might the only thing that's keeping him afloat and really, that's all it is. Unless you count the night that Jared had been too fucked out and fallen asleep with the weight of Jensen pressing him down in to the mattress. Or the way that that led to Jared staying the next night. And the next. And Jensen hadn't called him on it. They'd just fallen right into it just like the way they seem to take only Jensen's truck to practises, Jensen saying it's impractical to take two, saving the environment and all that. Or the way Jensen made Chris room with Mike after the Canucks match. And somehow they've become joined at the hip this week. Just sex he tries to tell himself even if it feels like anything but.

The bubble that he's been allowing himself to live in, the one where only Jensen really exists, and reality and all its problems are far away, bursts when they pull up to his place on Sunday, Jared ready to beg Jensen to put his hands all over him, to find Sandy's beat up little fiesta parked in front of them. The dread that he'd been holding back, the words that he'd been telling himself didn't exist come rushing back as he sees Sandy sat on his porch steps waving, a smile lighting up her face. He hears Jensen unbuckle his seat belt, get out of the car and he's still sitting there, frozen, unable to move.

Jared forces his mind to focus and his limbs to work when Jensen taps on the window and gives him a puzzled look and he pushes himself out of the truck. They stand awkwardly on the curb.

"Maybe I should..." Jensen says gesturing to the truck and Jared's just about to agree that that's a fucking fantastic idea when Sandy bounds up to them, pulling them both in and talking a mile a minute as she leads them both over to the house. No getting out of it that easy Jared thinks.

He'd thought for certain that Sandy would be pissed, that he'd be greeted with accusations and demands not friendly hugs and miles of questions. He hadn't phoned her since his freak out. He'd ignored the phone calls, let them go to voicemail, all of which he'd deleted. He'd ignored the texts that asked _are you okay_ , _did Jensen call, stop being a jerk and call me,_ and finally _I'm getting worried Jare._ It was just him being selfish again, not ready to explain the situation to her because he knew. He just knew she was going to call him on this. She was going to tell him how bad it was going to turn out. She was going to make him face up to it all.

So he can't quite understand how she's grinning at him, sitting with Jensen on the sofa. Jared has no clue what the hell is going on here. He's too shell-shocked by her to really take an interest in the conversation or form words until he hears her say.

"You should come! Unless you have plans?"

And suddenly Jared's voice is back in business.

"What?" He asks looking dumbly at the both of them.

"Thanksgiving. Were you even listening to a word I said?" She looks at him with something that's warmer than pity, that's maybe a touch of understanding or jealousy and Jared feels his head spin, what the hell is going on. But Sandy just shakes her head at him, oblivious of Jared's current melt-down. "Jensen should come right? To Thanksgiving? The one we're having on Thursday. Did you forget Jare? Just cos you're this up and coming hockey star doesn't mean you get to flake out of our traditions."

Jared just shrugs apologetically, was it really Thanksgiving already?

"You don't spend Thanksgiving with family?" Jensen asks turning to Jared and the words cut straight through to Jared's heart.

"Sure he does." Sandy explains smile still as wide, never missing a beat and Jared's thankful for that. "So are you in?" She barrels on.

Jensen doesn't shift his gaze from Jared as she asks the question, as they all wait for an answer and Jared's beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable. The whole situation is throwing him so off balance, he isn't sure he's going to be able to right himself, Jensen just needs to stop looking at him like that, like maybe he can see right inside Jared to those things that hurt too much to say aloud.

"I'd love to, but Mike and Chris and I sort of planned to hang out. Not enough time off for the three of us to make the trip home." Jared thinks he hears a trace of regret in Jensen's voice as he speaks, it isn't unfamiliar, that longing for home. Jared can understand that.

"So bring them. We have turkey, home-cooked turkey. And not by Jared." Sandy is like a Rottweiler going after a bone when she gets going and Jared wonders just why she wants this to happen so damn much.

"I'll talk to the guys. I'm sure neither of them can turn down a proper Thanksgiving meal." And then Jensen is standing and Jared really doesn't want him to go, but maybe it's a good idea so he can have a little chat with Sandy and talk about how she's apparently lost her mind. "I'll call you." Jensen adds as he walks over to the door and Jared hopes those words mean more than just about Thanksgiving, for a few minutes he lets himself believe they do.

As soon as the door shuts Sandy is on him, bursting his eardrums with squeals and tickling his side and it takes Jared a few minutes to disentangle her.

"I should be pissed." She starts before Jared can think of anything to say to explain the weirdness of today. "And I was going to be, until I saw you pulling up with Jensen and that just kinda took the wind right out of my sails because I get it."

He's pretty sure she's the only one that does. "You get what?"

"The two of you, you're in that phase where you only have eyes for each other right?" She looks at him for confirmation and he's still just looking at her like a fucking idiot. "I get it, you've got Jensen right now, and you didn't have time for me. But still you could've sent me one text to let me know the two of you finally worked things out."

Oh. Jared thinks. Oh shit. So apparently Sandy took two and two and got Jared and Jensen are in a relationship. How does he explain this one? Where does he even start?

"It's cool Jare. Really it is. And I'm sorry that I invited him to Thanksgiving but I thought you'd want him there. I can't believe you didn't ask him already. Plus it was kind of my pay back for ignoring me. You should have seen your face!" Sandy's still talking, still rattling on and Jared just gets up, walks upstairs and locks himself in his bedroom ignoring her calls from downstairs. His heart is beating too fast because she thinks they're a couple and they're not, sure, it's apparently more than sex now but that's not a relationship and that bubble that he was letting himself live in has burst, he hurts. Fuck he hurts.

He doesn't go down when Sandy tells him she'll make something to eat. He doesn't answer when she sits outside his door till the early hours of the morning, trying to coax him into talking to her, to tell her what's wrong. He just stares numbly at the ceiling and wonders when he last got a decent night's sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He avoids Sandy like the plague the next two days. Gets Jensen so worked up in the car after training that Jensen doesn't think twice about taking Jared back to his place and just, devouring him, Jared can't think of a better way to put it. Jared knows full well he's burying his head in the sand or well Jensen, but it's just that when Jensen is touching him, when he's lighting him up he forgets it all. He forgets that he shouldn't be doing this with Jensen, forgets that his best friend is pissed with him because he's not talking to her, he forgets that he's so scared of anything but Jensen's hands on him. So he goes after Jensen harder, pushes Jensen further and Jensen groans into his ear _Jay you're gonna be the death of me_ and Jared thinks it wouldn't be a bad way to go.

There're enough t-shirts and jeans of his that somehow have ended up at Jensen's, which is pretty weird, that he doesn't need to go home. So he doesn't. And Jensen doesn't mention it until the second night as they lay in bed, Jensen's fingers tangled in Jared's hair, breath heaving and Jared's feeling fairly satisfied, Jensen just used that amazing mouth on him.

"So what's up with you and Sandy?" Jensen casually asks and Jared isn't able to stop himself from tensing against Jensen. Fucked out, like he feels right now, Jared always finds it the most difficult to keep the things he wants to lock deep within himself from Jensen. And that's the moment Jensen always seems to ask these questions, it's like he knows Jared just has no defences left when they're snuggled together like this.

"Nothing." Jared lies, telling himself to relax.

"Sure, that's why you haven't been home in the past two days. Come on Jay, what's going on?" Jensen, like Sandy, just doesn't know when to let things go. Jared pushes himself up off of Jensen and off the bed, fingers fumbling as he tries to find his clothes, pulse racing.

"I said it's nothing and if you didn't want me here you should have just said."

"I didn't say I didn't want you here. I just asked what's going on with you." And whilst Jared's voice is raised, Jensen's is quiet, patient and Jared thinks maybe a little hurt, but that's just him projecting what he wants from Jensen.

"And I said nothing." He feels like a child as he spits that back at Jensen, feels like a child as he leaves the room and Jensen doesn't stop him as he slams the door. He waits on the other side for a few minutes praying that door is gonna burst open and Jensen is going to come after him, but he doesn't and Jared can't really blame him.

He realises he doesn't have his car, because they've been doing that stupid car pool thing and it's raining and he's only got this stupid thin t-shirt on but he doesn't care, he just keeps putting one foot in front of the other and if the water on his face is more than just rain, well no one will really notice.

Jared's soaked when he finally makes it home, his teeth chattering as he swings the door open and Sandy's standing right there. He sees concern looking up at him and he thinks maybe now she is going to shout. He can see that controlled rage of hers just burning under the surface and he thinks he can take it, maybe he'd feel better if she took a shot at him, because right now he just feels lost. But she doesn't shout, she just takes one of his hands in hers and drags him fully inside.

"What's going on?" She asks gently and he feels so cracked open, because isn't that the question he's been asking himself from pretty much the moment Jensen walked back into his life.

He doesn't recognise the voice that whispers. "I don't know." But he realises it must be his, he's never sounded so far away before and when he manages to look at Sandy again all he sees is pity and it's suffocating him. This time when he pushes away she lets him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Get up sleepy head!" A voice shouts, and there must be an earthquake because his bed is definitely moving. Jared cracks open an eye to see Sandy jumping on his mattress, he rolls over groaning trying to snag a pillow to hide under. Sandy just grabs it out of his hands.

"It's pre-Thanksgiving day. And you know what that means?" She stops bouncing to tug the covers down and throws them on the floor out of his reach and Jared groans. He's a morning person, really he is, but when you haven't been sleeping for the past well forever and then get woken up at the crack of dawn, it just isn't fair.

"It means shopping." Sandy rambles on causing Jared to groan louder and try to bury himself beneath the remaining pillows. "Plus I phoned Jensen and he and the guys are coming so we need lots and lots of food.

"You phoned Jensen?" Jared says sitting bolt upright and eyeing Sandy suspiciously, his heart doing a slight tap dance in his chest.

"I may or may not have borrowed your phone." Sandy confesses, squealing and scrambling off the bed as Jared reaches out snags an arm around her waist and pulls her back fingers tickling down her sides. It only takes a few minutes for her to call uncle and they lie back, Sandy still giggling, Jared with a stupid grin across his face. So shopping, can't turn out that bad.

It turns out to be worse than bad, Sandy lumbers him with the trolley and Jared's lost track of the number of scowls he's received whilst trying to navigate the stupid thing around the store, he's pretty sure it's impossible and he just wants to crawl back into bed when they finally finish loading all the stuff she made him buy into the back of her car, but Jared's come to the conclusion that Sandy really is evil, because despite his klutz like fingers she makes him help with Thanksgiving preparations.

"I hate you, you know." He says as he tries not to cut off his finger for the umpteenth time.

"Come off it." Sandy laughs. "You love me."

Jared throws her a sceptical look and Sandy laughs a little louder. As the laughter dies in her throat the air becomes a little tenser and Jared knows that that conversation he's been avoiding since she got here is about to happen and he's still really not ready for it.

"So." She starts and leaves it hanging there, it's an in for him, he knows that, they've had conversations like this for too long for him to recognise the way she coaxes things out of him. The only trouble is that knowing it doesn't mean that he's ever able to really stop it.

"So..." He replies lamely and drops the knife to look at her. "Me and Jensen, we're not together."

There he's said it, and the thing is once he has, it's like he wasn't really saying it to her, he was saying it to himself.

"Didn't look like that to me." She questions and Jared feels his patience just about dry up.

"We're together, like we're... erm... we had sex, we're having sex." He's blushing, oh god, he's blushing, he hates having the sex talk with her, he pretty much hates having it with anyone, it's not anyone else's business but his own. "But we're not together, okay, we're just. We're just..." His words peter out and his arms make this flailing motion and he feels like that, like he's flailing, because he can't voice words he doesn't have, and he doesn't have a name for this thing between the two of them.

Sandy stands there staring and Jared thinks she closely resembles a goldfish when she opens her mouth to say something and then closes it pursing her lips, he could laugh at that image if he wasn't too anxious about her response.

"Right, okay." She says and Jared gapes at her because out of every response he's run through for the past few days, 'okay' just wasn't one of them. And the thing is, it makes everything worse, because it's not okay, it really isn't okay.

"I'm sorry I invited him for Thanksgiving then." When Jared looks over, Sandy's looking sheepish.

"It's okay Sands, we're friends you know, we hang out with the guys, we talk." How do you explain this to someone?

"It won't be awkward?" Sandy asks.

"No, it'll be fine." Jared says hastily before remembering the way he'd acted last night. "Well it might be a little awkward." Sandy raises an eyebrow at that. "We kinda had a fight, he... um he wanted to know what was going on with me the past few days and I kinda didn't tell him and walked out. I'm an idiot I know."

He expects her to pick up on the fight, to ask questions and want details because, well, that's what usually happens, he doesn't expect her to boost herself up on the work top, eye him curiously and then ask. "What has been going on with you the past few days?"

He stands there, floundering for a few minutes and she just lets him, she doesn't push just sits and watches, waits for him to cave and tell her everything, but he can't voice his fears yet, if he tells Sandy he wants more than what he's got with Jensen, but he's too afraid to ruin it all by getting more or losing it all completely, then she's going to tell him he has to make a decision. He isn't ready to make it.

"Just being stupid." He says and it's the truth really, he was being pretty damn stupid. "It doesn't matter now."

The sceptical look on Sandy's face tells Jared he isn't off the hook, but the fact that she doesn't say anything or call him on it tells him she's at least letting it slide for now. And maybe that's all he needs, a little time to figure it all out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jared's feeling supremely grouchy when he wakes the next morning. Thanksgiving, he thinks and wishes really that he could just bury his head beneath the pillows and sleep the day away. But he knows Sandy will never let him get away with that and with everything else about this day he really doesn't need to be chastised by her or made to feel guilty. When he knows he can't get away with lying there any longer he grudgingly crawls out of bed and into the shower.

When he finally makes it downstairs, feeling somewhat more human, he finds Sandy already busy in the kitchen, he leans against the jamb and watches her, it's nice, he realises, to have someone in his kitchen, to have her in his kitchen.

He never really says it, at least not out loud, but he's so thankful for her, for the way she's always been there for him. He's not so sure he would have made it without her.

She's startled when he wraps his arms around her resting his chin on her head but she doesn't stop chopping. He sighs and settles into her and he feels himself settle a little.

"Thank you." Jared says quietly and he's sure his words get lost in her hair, hopes they do because his voice sounds kind of choked and he should really be embarrassed about that.

"Don't mention it." Sandy replies, she doesn't ask what for just accepts his thank you the same way she's always accepted him.

It's on days like this though that whilst he feels thankful for her he can't help feel guilty, for all the things she misses because of him. Like the fact that she's here with him instead of with her family. He'd told her that last year, when they'd had Thanksgiving in Vermont, and she's scolded him like a mother would a small child and said that he was her family too.

They stand like that a while, her preparing veg and him wrapped around her, if it was anyone else it might look sexual but for them it's simply intimate, companionable. With the veg done Sandy fusses him from her kitchen, well his kitchen, and tells him to go tidy up.

"The guys have seen the house before, don't need to impress them." He shouts back to her as he walks to the living room. There are bottles strewn across the coffee table, well he thinks there might be a coffee table below the bottles and plates and papers and yeah maybe she has a point, a little tidying up couldn't hurt, plus it'll keep his mind off things until the guys get here.

But then he's thinking of the guys which ultimately leads him to thinking about Jensen and that fight. He should probably apologise or maybe just let it go, what's one more thing they don't talk about right?

The time passes too quickly and suddenly there's a knock on the door and when Sandy hollers from the kitchen Jared swings it open to meet Mike, Chris and Jensen.

Jensen and Chris hold out beer and he smiles as he invites them in, as Mike passes he holds out an oddly shaped and haphazardly wrapped present and Jared eyes it curiously.

"Do I even want to know?" Jared asks and when Mike opens his mouth to speak Jared holds up his hand to stop him. "Forget I asked. I really don't want to know."

Jared leads them over to the kitchen setting the beer down whilst the guys greet Sandy and then she's pushing them out of the kitchen telling them to put the game on and not disturb her.

"Shouldn't we help?" Jensen asks when they traipse into the living room.

"No, she has this kind of cooking Zen and if you try to help she just gets mad and shouts. A lot. Trust me." He adds when Jensen still looks unsure. "It's like this every Thanksgiving."

"Every Thanksgiving?" Jensen asks.

Jared would usually get defensive about that question, deflect or be non-committal but he just shrugs because he's tired of being defensive, he's tired of hiding. "It's kind of a tradition."

"That's pretty cool that you get out of the cooking like that, my mum always manages to rope me in if I'm at home." Chris says but Jensen's still looking at Jared as though if he just keeps looking he'll be able to piece Jared together. It makes Jared feel squirmy but then the guys descend into arguments over whose team is the best and which one is gonna whoop ass and Jensen gets drawn into the conversation.

He'd been dubious about having them all over, he wasn't really in the mood for company, at least so he thought, because it's nice to sit and laugh and argue over something as silly as a football match. And Sandy did it again, knew exactly what he needed before he did, she really needs a saint hood.

When he goes to the kitchen to get more beer he pulls her into another rub crushing hug and whispers thank you to her hair. She just smiles up at him, laughing, bats him away.

"I just want you to be happy Jare." She says and Jared thinks that despite the whole Jensen thing, and the pressure of the NHL this might be the first Thanksgiving he has been in a really long time.

"I am." he laughs back at her before she bustles him out of the kitchen again, beer in hand.

Mike's sulking when they finally sit down to eat, it seems his Miami Dolphins lost to Chris and Jensen's Dallas Cowboys and they've been ripping into him about it since the final whistle.

"Okay no more football talk at the table." Sandy scolds as she lays the final plates down and Jared can't contain his excitement for food as he bounces happily on his chair. There's been glorious smells wafting out of the kitchen since he got up and if he has to wait any longer he's going to starve. He needs food now.

Jared says a quick grace, being thankful for sharing food with good friends. None of them are overly religious so it's more of a habit than a necessity and then Sandy hands the carving knife to Jared.

"It's all on you handsome." She says with a wink and Jensen snorts in response.

"You sure we should trust him with sharp implements?" He adds. Jared should maybe take offense at that statement but he hasn't got the heart.

"That's what I said the first year she handed it to me, I haven't cut off any fingers yet though so I think we should be safe."

"I was more worried about blood on my turkey than your fingers to be honest." Jensen jokes and Jared cuffs him playfully on the ear before going to work on the turkey. He thankfully finishes carving with all fingers and thumbs  attached and intact and Jensen lets out an overdramatic sigh of relief when he sets the knife down that has Sandy giggling.

"Okay so another tradition, and you all have to join in, is that we go around and say what we're thankful for this year." Sandy tells them as they all start digging into the mountains of food. "And Jared you're not allowed to say me again. That's pretty much standard these days. And let's be honest, pretty lame."

She gives them a few minutes to think and scoff a few bites before she rambles on with her thanks. "I'm thankful for all those frequent flyer miles this year, seems like I'm forever cashing them in to visit your ass."

"It's a good job you like my ass then eh?" Jared teases.

"Gotta say I'm not opposed to it." She smirks.

"Neither am I." Mike mutters through a mouthful of potatoes and they all turn to stare at him. "What a man can't look?" Laughter bubbles up out of Jared and spreads steadily around the table.

"Man you're weird." Jared says when he manages to catch his breath and Mike just shrugs as if it's nothing he didn't already know and Jared guesses it probably isn't.

"So Jare, what are you thankful for this year?" Sandy asks when the conversation lulls.

There's a lot of things Jared's thankful for, his spot on the Bruins, Mike and Chris and Jensen, and sex with Jensen, his house, and even though she won't let him say it, Sandy. He's thankful for the fact that for the first time since he left home he feels like he has a home again and that isn't just because he found this house, it's because of each and every one of them sat in it. But that's kinda sappy and too damn deep and he can't bring himself to say it.

"The fake ID Mike got me last week." He smirks instead because he likes the light-hearted feel of the day and he really really wants to keep it that way.

"You leading my boy astray?" Sandy says in what Jared terms her best 'mum voice'.

"Wouldn't dream of it ma'am." Mike replies innocently which only leads to a snort from Chris and a shake of Jared's head, after that the things they're thankful for just get crazier and crazier until Mike says he's thankful for oranges and Jared has no idea where that even came from, but he's pretty sure it makes sense somewhere in Mike's brain, which is a scary thought.

Sandy lets them help clear the table before bringing out dessert, homemade apple pie and Jared licks his lips in anticipation.

"Dude you cannot still be hungry?" Jensen asks incredulously.

"Hello, have you met Jared aka the bottom-less pit?" Sandy puts in and Jared just grins, he likes food and he can get away with eating a lot of it, it's a win-win.

"So when are you gonna get that dog Jare?" Sandy questions as she hands him a generous portion of apple pie.

"You're getting a dog?" "Oooh is it a puppy?" "Can you even be responsible for yourself?" The guys chime in at once, Jared's not sure whether to be surprised or offended that that last comment comes from Jensen, but decides to let it go. For now.

"I'm not getting a dog." He concedes and sees the faces fall around him. "I mean not yet. I just haven't had the time, you know, with moving up here and then into the house."

It's true, so many times the past few weeks he's been meaning to stop by the rescue place and see if there's one there for him, he's pretty sure there will be, it's just, he'd wanted to find someone to walk the dog and look after it when he's not around and then he'd wanted to get all the bits and pieces, oh, and build that kennel and between hockey and Sandy and Jensen he just hasn't had the time to do those things.

"You should do it man." Jensen tells him. "You'll never have the time."

"Ain't that the truth." Chris agrees.

"Don't put off what you really want, you just have to make time for it, otherwise you'll be putting it off forever." Jensen says and Jared gets the feeling they're somehow talking about more than just him getting a dog.

"You're such a sap." Chris laughs.

"Asshole." Jensen retorts.

"Pussy."

And Jared realises the moment and whatever it was Jensen was trying to say to him is gone, the banter between Chris and Jensen only grows and Jared can't help but watch the way Jensen lights up when he laughs, the way he gets these little crinkles in the corner of his eyes, the way he throws his head back like he can't contain it and Jared feels his this pressure in his chest, like it's too full, like it's going to burst. It's too much to see Jensen in his house like this and it's not enough because he realises he kind of wants to keep Jensen here, he doesn't want it to be his anymore he wants it to be theirs and just like that his world turns upside down and suddenly it clicks into place. He loves Jensen.

It doesn't breed panic, because Jared realises he's been building to this since the very moment he met Jensen. At first it had been lust and then, though he doesn't like to admit it, infatuation and now, now it feels so different because he knows Jensen, he knows more than the fact that he's just a pretty face, he know he's stubborn and bull-headed, he knows he's cautious but loyal, he knows he's the best friend he's ever had and it just makes those feelings so much more real.

He knows he should panic, sat there at the table, he should feel it curdle his gut but he's still stuck in that moment and he can't let it go yet. He's happy, it's Thanksgiving and he's happy and he knows there'll be time for panic tomorrow.

After the sun sets and the day draws to a close, Jared finds himself sat on the back porch in the cooling air. He can hear Chris' gentle snores from the sofa and he wonders, really, why he even decided to get a house with more than one bedroom because it's not like anyone ever seems to use them. It's nice though, to have people around, it'll be strange when Sandy leaves at the weekend, he almost doesn't want it to happen.

His mind's so far away that he misses Sandy joining him, but her words jolt him out of his thoughts.

"How long?" She asks him and he looks at her in puzzlement, because really, is he supposed to know what she's talking about. When he just stares blankly at her she huffs out a sigh as though it's obvious and continues. "How long have you been in love with him?"

And just like that, that's when the panic slowly rises, his gut roils and he swears he can taste bile in his mouth, his palms feel clammy and his tongue, he just get it to work, can't get it to say; No way Sandy it's not even like that.

Is he that transparent? He wonders. Who else knows, Chris, Mike, oh God, Jensen? But Jensen can't know, right? He wouldn't still be here and also Jared only really realised he was in love with Jensen, like, today, how could anyone else have cottoned on that quickly.

Somehow he manages to dampen the panic in his chest enough to get out a few words. "It's not... I'm not in - in love with him." Jared thinks it's funny that he's denying he's in love with Jensen, when obviously he is, but neither of them have actually said Jensen's name. Maybe he should have played it cool and simply asked Sandy 'in love with who', but he's pretty sure she'd just have called him dense and hit him. To be honest the way she's looking at him now, she might just do that anyway.

Instead she just sighs. "I'm not stupid Jare, but if you need to lie to yourself I get that." She stands up from the seat to head back inside and Jared wonders how she's just letting this go, he's coming to the conclusion he's really shitty at predicting Sandy's actions, but then she stands with the door ajar, looks back at him with a sad smile, and he feels shitty he put it there, but before he can apologise she's speaking again. "You're gonna have to face it sooner or later though."

And then she's gone, leaving the echo of the door hitting the jamb and then the quiet unease of the night. Jared isn't sure how long he sits there, the panic curling in his stomach, but he doesn't head for bed until he sees the first rays of the morning and when he does sleep, he dreams of Jensen and he's always just out of reach.

The lack of sleep, the restless nights and the thoughts that are eating at Jared make him groggy and lethargic when he wakes and hell that isn't fair, because he was good last night, stuck to two beers, well three, so he shouldn't feel like he's got a hangover. The feeling hasn't left him as he heads out of the locker room, everything just feels like it's weighing down on him today.

Jared knows he's going home to an empty house, Sandy's little Fiesta will be halfway home by the time the game is finished, she's on her way to spend some quality time with her real family. It shouldn't make him jealous to think about that, but he can't help it, he does, just one more thing to feel guilty about. Like how he's feeling pretty bad about that fight with Jensen earlier in the week, they haven't spoken about it still, and why should they really, they don't talk about anything, well, not anything that matters anyway. What the hell is he doing? And why, when he felt so happy yesterday, why does he feel like everything's lost today?

It takes him a while to realise there's something a little different about sitting on the bench in TD Garden today. There's a different buzz he realises as Kripke's words wash over him, forgotten as soon as they're heard. It's like maybe this isn't just a game. The crowd are louder than usual and they haven't even started to play, and Jared wonders just how loud it will get. And the guys, his team mates, their faces are all set a little harder, determination evident. Huh, so this is personal.

The past few weeks, hell, maybe even the past few months, he's been so wrapped up in the Jensen drama, that he's forgotten what this feels like, he's forgotten what he's managed to achieve. He's living his dream and it only takes this new excitement of the rivalry between Bruins and Rangers to jolt him right back there. That excitement is infectious and he feels like a damn kid again, raring to get out there.

As soon as he takes that first glide across the ice he feels better, more centered, each puck he passes, each check he makes, just lifts the worry from his shoulders until all he can see is the ice and his opponent and all he can feel is the determination to win. Jared's forgotten how much he needs this, how much he revels in it, how much he loves it. This, right here, is his escape from everything, it's the thing he loves most and when everything falls apart around him, it doesn't really matter because he still has this.

Once he leaves the ice though, it doesn't matter that they won, that they've come out on top of that rivalry, the worries come floating right back in. He turns down the offers for drinks, even if Mike says he needs to try out his new ID, he just, he isn't in the right place to get drunk right now, it'll lead to awkward confessions and embarrassing blubbering.

A quiet night he thinks, that's all he needs, but Jensen's sat on the hood of his car when he leaves so maybe not a night alone, or quiet either.

"Your place or mine?" Jensen drawls, and Jared loves the way he uses that Texas accent just for him.

Jared stands there for a few moments contemplating, why am I doing this he thinks, we should just go home alone, what's the point in all this, but then Jensen tilts his head in question and plasters one of those dazzling smiles across his face, the one that reaches his eyes and Jared thinks Oh, that, that's why, and he can't help the words that roll off his tongue, doesn't even regret them once they're said. "Your place, it's closer."

He's already deep enough right? He might as well fall a little further.

 


	9. Getting In To  You

Admitting he's in love with Jensen, even if it's only to himself, does little to lift Jared's worries, if anything it only seems to add to them, and to his confusion as well. He's finding that the more time he spends with Jensen, and the more he accepts and acknowledges the feelings he's developing, the harder it is to separate the Jensen that's his friend and his team mate, from the Jensen he's sleeping with. They just keep blending over into each other until he can't tell the difference between the two, until it's all just Jensen.

The thing is he can't really complain, because Jensen hasn't really been a dick lately, and Jared feels like something's changed between them, even if he can't quite say what it is. It's just, it's little things, like Jensen will be more touchy feely with him even when Mike and Chris are around, he'll be more thoughtful about things and Jared's noticed that he's becoming more open about himself. He'll tell Jared about his embarrassing stories and he'll ask Jared about himself too and Jared can almost let himself believe that Jensen actually wants to know.

Still he doesn't tell Jensen how he feels and Jensen doesn't say anything about what they are and that's fine. Really it's fine. Or at least it would be if it wasn't driving him crazy.

He throws himself into hockey and training and Jensen and the thing is, the hockey is paying off. He's become more or less a fixed feature of the first line and he can't believe it, he'd hoped he'd do well, of course, but when he'd signed his name on that contract he'd thought he'd spend the first year on the bench or the seconds. He thought he'd have some ice time in the dying minutes of the game, when there was little pressure because they were ahead. He'd never thought that by Christmas, his first season, he'd be a main feature of the Boston Bruins and now he's there he wants to show the critics that he deserves to be there, that he's earned that place and that he's keeping it.

His focus is more determined than it's ever been and he's done letting outside issues bleed through onto the rink. They're sitting at the top of their division, twenty-one wins to only nine losses and, though no one wants to jinx it by saying it aloud, if they carry on the way they are there's a serious possibility of reaching the play-offs and that makes Jared's head spin. To reach the play-offs his first season would be unbelievable, and he almost can't bring himself to think about it.

Mid way through December Sandy calls to invite him to her parents house for Christmas, like she does every year but he just shrugs her off the same way he does every year and tells her he's got plans in Boston. And it's mostly truth, he has plans for a six pack of beer, he really needs to thank Mike for that fake ID, OD-ing on rubbish Christmas TV and generally he'll just spend the day in bed hiding underneath his covers. But she doesn't need to know that.

"Are you sure Jared?" Sandy phones to ask him the next day, it's a dance they do every year without fail and even though he never takes her up on the offer, he's thankful that there is someone that offers. "I could come to Boston for Christmas if you wanted."

"Yeah if I wanted your family to hunt me down you could. You spent thanksgiving with me, you need to spend Christmas with them." She huffs out a sigh down the line and Jared chuckles.

"You could come see them with me. They'd love to have you." Sandy cajoles and Jared prays this isn't one of the years where they actually end up arguing over this.

"You know I can't Sands." Jared grits his teeth, he hasn't been to San Antonio  since he left two and a half years ago. Has only been to Texas for games. He promised himself when he got out that he was never going back. "I just... I can't."

"I know." Sandy's voice is full of understanding and when she hangs up she doesn't try to talk him into going again. The thing is, is she wanted to, she probably could talk Jared into anything. He's glad she doesn't use that super power on him very often.

The talk about Christmas plans doesn't come up until the week before Christmas when Jared is blissed out and drowsy, sprawled across Jensen.

"You going home from Christmas?" Jensen asks completely out of the blue and it catches Jared a little off guard. He bets Jensen doesn't even know the mine field he just walked in to. Or well maybe he does, Jensen keeps asking him about his family, just off-hand everyday questions but Jared can't get rid of the feeling that there's more to it.

"Nope." Jared replies, if he was being picky he could've said he already was home, but he hasn't got the energy for more than the one word answer and when he isn't forthcoming with more details Jensen keeps prodding.

"Sandy's?" He queries. "Or is she coming to you?"

"Nope just me." Jared says. "I don't really do Christmas." He adds, as if that explains it all.

Jared feels Jensen shake his head from where it's resting against his shoulder a small "Huh?" escaping his mouth.

Jared lifts his head so he can look down at Jensen. "What?"

"It's just, you know, I figured you'd love it, all the gifts and the candy and the decorations. Just thought that would be right up your street. You get so damn excitable about everything else."

Jared sighs, and rolls away from Jensen to his back so they're lying side by side. Jensen's right, there was a time when Christmas was the most exciting thing he could think of, but these days it's just a reminder of how everything has changed.

"Yeah I used to love it." Jared says, his brain's still too fuzzy for him to really think about his words. He's too comfortable with Jensen these days, he's worried all his secrets are going to come spilling out and he won't even realise. "It's just not the same."

Jensen shifts next him to lie on his side, head resting on his hand, elbow wedges in the pillow and he looks down seriously at Jared. "As what?" He asks. It's different from the usual conversations they have. Often when they get to subjects Jared doesn't want to talk about, he puts up the walls and Jensen lets him, he never pushes. But tonight, something's changed.

"As it was." Jared replies, he can't bring himself to look at Jensen, he can't look into those questioning eyes that he has no defence against.

"Jared." Jensen's tone is still light, but there's an undercurrent of warning and Jared knows evading isn't going to get him very far tonight. He's got two options, he can tell Jensen the truth or he can tell Jensen he doesn't want to talk about it, which he senses is likely to lead to an argument. He's so tired though, of the constant charade of it all and maybe this will change things, maybe it'll ruin everything because all Jensen will be able to see is the broken parts of him but he just needs to get it out and if it ruins it, then it ruins it.

"I can't go home." Jared's voice is sombre and he feels Jensen's eyes on him, he looks at anything but them, he's going to tell Jensen, he's going to put it all out there but if he looks at Jensen whilst he does, if he sees the pity there, he's going to break and he needs to just get it out in one go.

"I'm sur-" Jensen starts.

"They threw me out when I was seventeen." Fingers rub gently along Jared's arm and he closes his eyes against the urge to curl into Jensen, to just forget about it all. Jared can't gauge Jensen's reaction, he doesn't speak, just keeps up that soothing touch against Jared's skin and the quiet. The moment Jared gets to just breathe in that stillness gives him the strength to keep going.

"My family, Mom and Dad, they've always been religious. Catholic. They'd get their best Sunday clothes out and take us to church every week and every week I'd listen. I'd listen to the Father addressing the congregation, telling us about the temptation of sin in this modern world, telling us to not give into it and I tried you know. For years I couldn't admit to myself that I wasn't interested in girls, that the football captain did more for me than the head cheerleader.

I'm not sure when, or why I really accepted the fact that I was gay, but I did and every time I listened to that Father speak I couldn't understand what was so evil about two people loving each other. This wasn't a choice I'd made, this was just the way I was.

They'd always told me. Mom and Dad. That they loved me, no matter what, and I believed that. I spent a month working myself up into telling them, chickened out about five times before I actually sat them down and just said it, I was gay, and I didn't want to hide it anymore.

They didn't, love me no matter what, Mom told me it was a phase, as if I hadn't told myself that so many times. She said -" Jared's voice breaks and Jensen's fingers squeeze against his arm. "She said they'd get me help, that they'd speak to the Father, he'd know how to cure me of this disease. I think I'd been dumbfounded at first, like this wasn't all happening, like I was gonna wake up any minute and then reality hit me. She was still talking, prattling on at me and I just said no. I told her it wasn't a phase, that I didn't want help and this wasn't something they could change.

I looked her straight in the eye and I said I'm still Jared, I'm still your son. She told me to leave. No son of hers would be a sinner, no son of hers would disgrace their family like this. I said I guess I'm no son of yours then and she - she agreed. And the worst, worse than having your own mother tell you you're not her son anymore, is for your own father to sit there and let her. He didn't say a word to me, wouldn't even look at me. I'd been ten feet tall in his eyes and a few words, I'm gay, hadn't even left me worthy of being acknowledged.

It was stupid really, to think they'd be supportive. I think they might've been happier if I'd sat them down to tell them I'd gotten a girl pregnant. It wouldn't have mattered that I would've been throwing my life and any chance of getting to the NHL away, they'd still have been happier about that, than finding out their son was gay."

Jared's not sure when the tears fully started falling, but he realises as he heaves out a breath that his cheeks are wet. He's not sure when Jensen pulled him in close, when he wrapped those arms around him and held on. He can't stop the way his body shakes or the pitiful sobs that escape his mouth. Sandy's the only person he ever told, and then he built that wall high. And now he's taken it down, for Jensen and it's all coming crashing out and he's not sure how to hold himself together. It's been years and it shouldn't hurt this much, it shouldn't feel like he's breaking, like he's losing them all over again.

"And Jeff." Jared continues between sobs. "He said he'd always be there for me. I thought when he came home from college, or even when they told him, he'd call, he'd drop round, he'd want to know how I was doing. He'd want to know I was okay. But I guess - I guess I'm not his brother any more either."

Jensen doesn't speak and Jared's not sure he could handle words right now anyway. He just runs his hand along Jared's back until the tears run themselves out and Jared buries deeper into Jensen, trying to get away from it all. He feels boneless, he should feel embarrassed for breaking like that, for letting Jensen see, but he's just to drained to work up the energy.

"I miss them." He whispers as he feels sleep tug at his consciousness. It's an admission he's never admitted to, even to himself. His breathing begins to even out, the tears drying on his cheeks and his eyelids droop and Jensen just holds him and lets oblivion pull him under.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That last week before Christmas puts Jared in the worst mood, everywhere he turns he sees decorations or advertisements or some other damn thing that makes him remember. He thinks about Meg and the Christmas she got a pink tutu and pirouetted around the living room until she was nearly sick and the way she used to wake him up at five in the morning so she could open her presents, despite his protests she'd just bounce on his bed until he gave up on the hope of falling back to sleep and grudgingly rolled out of bed.

She'd still been young when he left and he wonders what kind of woman she's grown into. Whilst it hurts to not have a family any more he's never really regretted telling them, apart from when he thinks about how much he missed of Megan's life. He hopes maybe someday, when she's older, off to college, or settled down, he'll look her up just to see what her life turned out like.

The constant family reminders drive him further into moping and he thinks of himself as the Grinch these days and as the guys cotton on to his mood and his rants about it being a company driven holiday just trying to get them all to spend their money well, they too start calling him the Grinch.

He notices Jensen giving him sideways looks but it isn't pity he sees. Jared can't really describe what that look is or means. It's just Jensen. For once he doesn't feel quite so alone in it all. They talked about it, Jared's confession, briefly, the next day.

Jensen had cooked breakfast, waited till they were sat, eating and then he'd said. "They were wrong Jay. There's nothing about being gay to be ashamed about. You're the most decent, loving person I've known and if they couldn't see that, that liking a guy instead of girl doesn't make you anyone else but the person you've always been, then they were never worthy of you. You're so strong you know, to have come this far despite everything they put you through." Then Jensen had cleared his throat, blushed a little and added sheepishly. "I'm pretty much in awe of you."

Jared had mumbled something about thank you and sorry and then they'd awkwardly eaten the rest of their breakfast. He'd been shocked, when Jensen had spoken, there'd been a real conviction behind his words, as though he needed Jared to really believe he meant it, and he had. He's not sure he's heard Jensen so passionate about something before.

But if Jared thought the run up to Christmas was difficult, leaving Jensen in Illinois airport on Christmas eve knowing he's not going to see him for the next few days is infinitely worse. It's not like he'd expected Jensen to stay for Christmas, he already had plans, plans with his family, and he hadn't expected Jensen to invite him to go with him either but as they part ways, with little more than a friendly hug, Jensen boarding a plane for Dallas with Chris, and Jared with the rest of the guys that are heading back to Boston, his heart sinks a little lower, because he somehow can't help feeling left behind.

That feeling stays with him through a restless night and an early morning wake-up call when Sandy rings at nine am to check on him, like he's a five-year old or something. He'd planned to sleep in until at least noon, then channel surf until he found a decent Christmas film. Around five he'd break out the beer. Around eleven he'd move onto the whiskey that he knows is his Christmas present from Chris and by midnight he'd be passed out in bed, another Christmas successfully survived. Instead he finds himself sitting at the kitchen table at half nine, with no idea what to do with himself.

He sits there for at least an hour, just staring at the phone in his hands, he finds Jensen's number, considers pressing dial but then keeps on scrolling, before he's really thinking about what he's doing he's dialling, phone pressed to his ear, half praying someone doesn't pick up.

"Hello." Is that Meg's voice? Is that what she sounds like these days? Why is he even putting himself through this. She doesn't say anything else, just listens into the silence, waiting for him to say something maybe.

"Jared?" The voice on the other end of the line is so sweet when it says his name, so full of hope, not the disgust he'd always imagined he might have to face from her. He doesn't say anything just keeps listening, he can hear laughter in the background, conversations, that might be his father's laugh or his brother's, that might be his mother scolding, and Jared wonders if they even notice he isn't there anymore.

"It's okay." She says down the line and Jared thinks it's anything but. "I missed you."

He can't hit disconnect quick enough. Foolish, he thinks, so damn foolish. He'd just wanted that connection, just wanted to feel a part of something. He'd thought his mom would probably pick up, that's what he'd expected, or he'd get the answer machine and listen to their pre-recorded message. He'd just wanted to hear their voices. He hadn't expected Meg. Even more than that he hadn't expected hopeful Meg. He was an even bigger fool to hang up, right?

Glancing at the clock, 9:45, definitely too early for a beer. Isn't it?

Jared doses on the sofa until his stomach rudely awakens him around four, he scrounges up some left over pizza, not sure how long it's been sitting in his fridge, but it isn't furry and it doesn't smell so that's pretty much good enough for him.

He finds Jack Frost on the TV to watch with his pizza and a beer and thinks his plans might just be back on track. Around ten his phone goes off and Jared's relieved to see Jensen's ID rather than his parents. And then he realises that it's Jensen's ID, Jensen is calling him and he hastily grabs the phone to answer.

"Hey." Jensen's voice is even huskier down the line and Jared loves it.

"Hi." Jared replies, voice light, smile on his face for the first time all day, because Jensen rang him. On Christmas, Jensen rang him.

"Sorry I meant to call earlier, but it was too hectic and I couldn't get away." Jensen rang him on Christmas even though he was busy, it really shouldn't make Jared's stomach do weird little flips, it shouldn't.

"It's cool. I know how crazy it can get man." And he does, he remembers how he used to wish for a minute of peace, just one.

"I should have invited you." Jensen says it like he's cursing himself for not doing and Jared doesn't want that, doesn't want Jensen to feel guilty because of his situation, that isn't fair to either of them.

"I wouldn't have come, Sandy invited me to hers and I said no." It's not the whole truth, if Jensen had asked he probably would have gone.

"But I should have asked." They both pause and Jared doesn't know whether to say it doesn't matter or not. "It's just, they don't know I'm gay."

"Oh." Jared says lamely, it's the first time Jensen's admitted he's gay to Jared, he thought maybe he could be bi or just curious. Or well he doesn't know exactly what he thought but it's weird to hear Jensen just say it like that. Really he knew Jensen wasn't out, but he thought maybe he wasn't out in just the press kind of sense, he'd thought that maybe his family knew his orientation. He was probably worried, and then it hits Jared, he'd stupidly gone and told him his horrific coming out story and Jensen probably never wants to tell them now. "Oh." He really needs to think of actual words to say.

"I've been thinking about telling them." It's not for him, Jared tells himself, Jensen's not thinking about doing this for him, he can't let himself indulge in the thought, because once it's there, once it plants its stupid roots of hope he's never going to be rid of it. But a small piece of his heart warms, because maybe Jensen's telling them, because he wants them to know about Jared, he did just say he should have invited him home with him, but Jared had thought he's said that because he was maybe feeling guilty about Jared being alone, now he thinks maybe Jensen actually meant it.

"From what you've told me of you family, I'm sure they'd support you."

"Yeah. Maybe." He sounds so unsure, and it's strange, because usually Jensen has all this confidence.

"I've heard you on the phone with your Mom Jen, she loves you. My situation doesn't happen to everyone, I mean you told me she loved Josh's college friend who was gay, that means they're accepting right? I'm not gonna say it'll be perfect and yeah it might change things, but they'd still love you and they'd still be there for you."

"I know. It's just I put it off for so long, the longer I keep putting it off the harder it seems to be." Jensen sighs, and isn't that the truth.

"It'll only get harder." Jared agrees. "I'm not going to say this is something you should do, I'm not trying to talk you into it Jen, you have to want to do it and you have to want to do it for the right reasons, otherwise you're only gonna to regret it. I don't regret telling my folks, because I was ready Jensen, I was tired of hiding who I was."

Jared's words hang in the quiet static of the line between them, Jared can hear laughter in the background, the hustle of family.

"I got you a present." Jensen says after a few minutes.

"What?" Jared's stomach does this weird little flip.

"You free on Sunday?" Jensen asks.

"Yeah, why?"

"Okay, you'll get it Sunday."

"What? No. You cannot do that man. That's like five days away, I cannot wait five days not knowing what you got me. Come on, gimme a clue." Jared's never been great with waiting to find out what present he's getting, he and Meg used to always look for the Christmas presents, but somehow they never were able to find them.

"Nope."

"What if I guess, will you tell me yes or no." Jared coaxes.

"Nope."

"No fair, you're cruel." Jared whines and wishes Jensen was here so he could use his puppy dog eyes, they always get him what he wants with Jensen.

"Quit whining" Jensen scolds lightly.

Jared just laughs. "I feel bad, I didn't get you anything."

"I'm sure I could let you make that up to me." Jensen's voice drops low, those husky Texas tones coming through and it shoots straight to Jared's gut.

"Oh yeah did you - um - have something in mind?" Jared says, a little hesitant, unsure of his words, fumbling the phone as he switches hands, they've never done this over the phone before, he's never done this over the phone before, are they even doing this over the phone, or did he read that completely wrong and just make an idiot of himself.

"That mouth maybe?" Okay he definitely didn't read it wrong.

"Yeah, what about my mouth?" He asks hastily.

"I'd put it to work Jay." The idea sends a thrill through Jared's body and he hears the click of a door before the background noise from earlier fades away, and fuck, they're really doing this. "God my cock loves your mouth Jay, so hot and wet and you take me so fucking deep. And you love it don't you, love having your mouth full of me?"

Jared feels himself growing harder in his jeans, this is all going so fast, Jensen's hardly said anything and still Jared's getting pretty uncomfortable with the way his dick is straining against the material, but Jensen's got a skill for sending him from zero to a hundred in about a millisecond, he only has to hear that voice, see that face and he's beyond turned on. Jared undoes the top button of his jeans, slides down the zipper. Just to ease the tension, or so he tells himself. "Yeah." He manages to get out, face flaming even if Jensen isn't there to see his reaction, it's just, this feels strange, he's not sure what he's supposed to say, without sounding like a complete idiot.

"Love it when you take just the head of me Jay, when you work your tongue on the underside, find that spot that drives me wild. Want that Jay, want your mouth on me."

Jensen's talked whilst they were in bed before, but he's never mapped out what he wants Jared to do to him simply with words, he's never gotten Jared this hot, this hard, without even touching him, without even being here with him. There's just his voice, that seductive drawl down the line and Jared's always thought Jensen's voice was hot but he's never gotten off on it quite like this before.

"Yeah." Jensen says as he hears Jared's sharp intake of breath. Is that Jensen's zipper, Jared wonders, is Jensen as turned on by this as he is? "And then you can run that tongue further down, across my balls, so hot when you suck them, and you'd suck both of them Jay?"

Jared takes a stuttering breath, presses the palm of his hand against his crotch and whines down the line. It's not enough, to relieve the ache and he closes his fingers around himself, feels his hips jerk and moan escape his lips at the sensation.

"Anything Jen." The words tumble from Jared's mouth, and if he was any more in control he'd feel awkward about the admission. "Anything you want."

"Fuck." Jensen swears. "Wanna feel you inside me Jay. Want you to fuck me." Jared groans as he almost loses it. Over the past few weeks he's thought about what it would feel like to bury himself in Jensen, to feel what Jensen feels when he sinks inside of Jared, to make Jensen feel as hot and needy as Jensen makes him feel when he works inside his ass, but he's never really thought it was an option.

"You like that?" Jensen asks, and Jared's little whimpers dismiss the need for an answer, he can't help himself as he strokes a hand over his dick, hisses at the contact. "You wanna work yourself inside'a me, feel me gripping you. Would you sink in slow Jay, savour it? Or would it be rough, fast, hard?"

"D-Dunno." Jared stutters out and he squeezes his fingers around the base of his cock afraid he's gonna come already, just from the idea of fucking Jensen.

"Sure you do. You wanna take me slow or fast Jay? You wanna draw it out, or make me feel you for days?"

"Fuck." Jared curses, his hand moving again, thumb brushing over the head off his cock, spreading the precome that's leaking out through his fingers, using it to work his hand faster as he starts sliding his palm up and down again, twisting and squeezing a little tighter on the up stroke. "Don't. Know. I never -" He grits out.

Jensen's groan in his ear turns to a growl, a predatory sound that only sends Jared higher. "Jesus, never?" Jared can hear Jensen breathe, heavy and fast, down the line. "You want to?"

Jensen says the words like a promise and Jared prays it is. "God yes."

"You touching yourself and thinking about fucking me Jay?" It's a question neither of them really needed to ask, Jared can hear the sound of flesh sliding against flesh down the line, knows Jensen must be able to hear him too.

"Thinking about the way I'd work myself open with my fingers for you?" Jesus Christ, Jensen's mouth, where is this coming from. Jared's hand moves faster, the need sharper with each wicked word that slips from Jensen's lips.

"Jensen. Jen. I can't - fuck." Jared feels incoherent, jerking himself off has always been good, always felt so damn good, but it's never, it's never made his skin crawl with need like this before.

"You close Jay?" And he is, so close to flying over the edge, but this is so hot, he's not sure he wants it to be over, wishes he could stay on this precipice forever.

"Gonna get off on the thought of my ass and the sound of my voice." There's a taunt to Jensen's words, almost like a challenge.

"Come on. Do it. For me Jay." Those last words from Jensen's lips, the command, the request, the way he whispers Jared's name, has Jared's body tensing, hand flying, and the sensation builds, holds him right there at the peak, muscles straining, back arching, a string of incoherent words falling from his mouth and he flies over the edge. There on the sofa, cock in one hand, phone to his ear with the other, his body convulses as hot ropes of come splash against his skin. And Jensen's voice is still there as he rides it out, as the sensation almost becomes too much.

"Fuck. Wish I could've seen that." Jensen says, his voice getting tighter and Jared can tell he's close. "Love to watch you come apart for me."

Jared's hips buck one last time, a groan ripping from his chest. He wishes he could find the words to give Jensen, to send him spiralling like Jensen did to him.

"Love the sounds you make for me." Jensen's voice is ragged the words strained. "Next time I see you, you're gonna fuck me." A grunt assaults Jared's eardrums and he listens to the sound of flesh against flesh as Jensen works himself to release. Listens to the way his name hisses in his ear, Jensen moaning it over as he wracks in deep breaths and Jared's dick twitches in renewed interest.

"Fuck." Jensen finally lets out. "So hot Jay."

"Yeah, that was – erm - pretty damn - you know." Jared stumbles over his words, he's not quite sure what the etiquette for post phone-sex is, do they go back to normal conversation, do they just hang up. Neither one speaks, they just listen to each other's breath even out.

A muffled knock ends the silence, and Jared hears as someone shouts for Jensen, as Jensen says he'll be out in a minute.

"Shit I gotta go Jay." And Jared smiles at the regret in Jensen's voice at the thought of hanging up.

"It's okay, we've been on the phone a while, they'll be missing you."

"Yeah." Jensen agrees. "See you Sunday yeah?"

"Yeah Sunday." Jared agrees.

"And Jay, Merry Christmas." Jensen adds, before the line goes dead.

"Merry Christmas." Jared says to the dial tone, and for a change he thinks he might actually mean it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Though Jensen texts and calls the next couple of days, though they probably talk more than they would if Jensen was in the same state as Jared, Jared can't help but feel a little lost without him right there. He's gotten used to Jensen just dropping round. He's gotten used to them getting together for beers or watching a game, just being there.

The first day he's moody, the second he mopes, the third he realises he's on a downer, gives in and phones Mike to see if he fancies grabbing a beer.

That's how Jared finds himself halfway to drunk in the middle of a dive bar wondering what the hell Mike's talking about.

"Another round?" The bartender asks and Mike agreed before Jared can think about turning it down. He really should, he doesn't need to deal with a hangover tomorrow, but trying to come between Mike and a beer is never really a good idea.

"So you're in a wonderful mood JT." Mike says and Jared looks at him in question. "You call me up looking for a good time, and then you've just been staring into the bottom of your beer for the past hour."

"Sorry." Jared apologises, eyes still firmly rooted in the bottom of his beer. "I guess I'm just in a mood. Rubbish company. Shouldn't have called you."

"This about Jensen?" Mike asks and Jared feels his heart speed up.

He clears his throat. "What about Jensen?"

"How stupid do you think I am? Or Chris is? We know the two of you are fucking." Jared chokes mid-sip, eyes wide, and really he shouldn't be surprised by Mike's bluntness. Mike is only bluntness.

"I don't think you're stupid Mike. It's just. I didn't know if you knew about Jensen. I didn't wanna say anything in case you didn't."

"It's cool man." Mike says. "Now tell me what's up. You guys have a fight?"

"What?" Jared asks puzzled, and then remembers the earlier part of their conversation, about Jared being piss poor company. "I just miss him."

"Shit JT." Mike laughs.

"What?"

"Got it bad huh?"

"Maybe." Jared shrugs. "Yeah I guess."

"So when you gonna get around to telling him you love him?"

Jared chokes on his beer for the second time that night and thinks maybe it's just safer to not drink at all whilst Mike's talking.

"I'm not - you know -we're not -- it's not like that." Jared tries to work through his alcohol hazed mind to find the words to make Mike back off.

"Here have another beer." Mike says. "A few more and you won't even think to deny it anymore."

Mike's a bad influence, Jared decides, a bad influence that should come with a warning. Mike holds Jared up as they stumble from the bar and Jared hears himself giggle, not a clue what's so funny.

"He's got mermaid eyes, you know." He slurs as Mike drags him a few steps home. "Let's go to Jen's Mike."

"He ain't home JT."

Jared pouts. Why isn't Jensen home, Jared is drunk, and drunk Jared needs Jensen. It's so totally unfair for Jensen to not be there. And that's when Jared's mind decides to remind him of the fact that Jensen is in Dallas.

"Let's go to Dallas. We should totally go to Dallas." Jared says, because right know, brain fuzzy with alcohol that sounds like the best idea he's had all night.

"Yeah, sure JT, once we get you home." Mike placates.

"Wish Jen was here." Jared sighs wistfully.

"Probably a good thing he isn't to be honest, you'd be embarrassed if he heard the words your spouting. Hell he'd probably punch you for half of them."  Mike's silly, because Jensen would never punch him and that sets Jared off into another set of giggles, that only makes it harder for Mike to support him.

"Did I tell you bout his mermaid eyes?" Jared says and Mike rolls his own eyes as he tries and almost fails to keep Jared upright. 

"Yeah about a million times." Mike's seriously reconsidering getting Jared drunk ever again, unless Jensen's around to hear him, because really that's the only reason this could ever be fun, what in the hell was he thinking?

"Fuckin' love him Mike." And there it is. There's the first time he's voiced aloud his love for Jensen, and it wasn't that damn hard really, why the hell had he been so worried about it? 

"Well Hallelujah." Mike laughs and they continue to stumble down the street.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jensen stands nervously on Jared's doorstep, he brings up his hand to knock, then pauses, indecision plaguing him. They'd settled on Sunday, he was supposed to pick Jared up tomorrow so he could go give him his Christmas present, but somehow, when he'd landed back in Boston, instead of heading back to his place, like a sane person would, he'd told the cab driver Jared's address and that's how he finds himself standing in front of Jared's door, about twelve hours early.

He's not sure why he's being such a wuss about this, he's just dropping round, it isn't like he hasn't done it before, it's just, Jensen feels like, despite the fact they still haven't talked about it, things have gotten a little bit serious and he just, he needs this right now, he needs Jared right now. He needs the reassurance that this thing with them is still there and still real and wasn't just made up in his mind by reading into things over telephone calls that weren't actually there. He needs to see Jared smile at him, needs to see his face light up because he's there, needs to see it reach his eyes. He needs to hear Jared's laugh and listen to his rambling words and just touch, just reach out and touch him and find him still there in his grasp. He can't do any of that from this side of the damn door.

He'd told his damn parents. He'd told them he was gay. He'd told them about Jared, not that they didn't already know about him, his mom says he talks about Jared non-stop, it was more he told them what Jared meant to him. It hadn't been awful, they hadn't thrown him out or called him names, but it hadn't been great either, Jensen wasn't getting a big coming out party. He thinks, though they didn't say it, he thinks, he maybe disappointed them and really after everything, he can think of nothing worse than that. His momma had cried, he wasn't supposed to hear it, but he had and it had been his fault.

Jensen feels somewhat lost, somewhat adrift, they said they loved him, his momma had kissed him and told him she loved him when she'd left him at the airport, but somehow, and he isn't sure why, it feels different.

Lifting his hand he brings his fist to the door and bangs, and prays to god that Jay is home. The next few moments seem like some of the longest of his life as he waits silently. He breathes a sigh of relief as the door swings open to reveal Jared, his heart swells, his chest feels warm and heavy the way it always does when he looks at Jared and that niggling feeling he's been carrying since he left his parents in Texas settles at the sight of the man, that he realises now, he loves.

Jared's smile dims as he takes in the sight of Jensen on his doorstep, his mind screaming something isn't right. Jensen's usually so well put together, but his hair is stuck up at odd angles and his face, there's this dejected look in his eye that puts Jared on edge. He takes a step forward and wraps his arms around the man on his doorstep, he has no idea what's hurting him, he just knows what a man who needs someone to hold him looks like, he's seen it enough times in the mirror. And Jensen just sort of crumples into him, as if it was taking all of his effort to keep himself standing, to get himself here and now that he has, it's like he's got nothing left.

"It's okay." Jared hears himself say as he drags Jensen closer, pulls him in tighter all whilst trying to get them both back inside. "Whatever it is, it'll be okay."

His hands shouldn't shake as he leads Jensen over to the sofa, but he can't help it, Jensen, for the most part is always so together, the version of Jensen, the one that's sitting in his living room, it's just a shell of Jensen and really that beyond disconcerting.

"What happened Jen?" Jared says gently, afraid to raise his voice in case he startles him.

There's silence for a few minutes and Jared's heart picks up. "I told them." Jensen says barely louder than a whisper and Jared tries to wrack his brain, should he know who them is, should he know what Jensen told them and then his mind clicks back to that phone conversation on Christmas, to Jensen's off-hand 'I've been thinking about telling them' and Jared has to take a deep breath before he lets himself speak.

"How did they take it?" Jared asks, praying it went well, praying it went better than it had for him.

"They - They love me Jay." Jensen says and Jared thinks it's a little strange to lead with that but doesn't stop him. "But I think, maybe, I disappointed them. I think, maybe, I let them down."

"Don't say that." Jared's voice firm, a little more aggressive then he'd like, but he can't hear that from Jensen. He can't. "Did they say that? Jen, did they say you'd let them down?"

Jensen looks at him finally and there are tears in his eyes just waiting to fall, suddenly he doesn't look twenty-four at all, just a boy, that's a little lost. Jared squeezes Jensen's hand, trying to reassure him that he's here, that it'll be okay.

"No. They didn't - but - I just, after I told them, it was different. I knew it would be, but I just, I just never figured it would hurt that much."

Wrapping an arm around Jensen, Jared pulls him in. "Give them a little time Jen, it was probably a shock, just give them some time to get their heads round it. Your momma loves you, your dad too, it'll be okay again, you'll see." And Jared means it when he says that, because they didn't throw Jensen out, from what he can gather they didn't call him names or try to make him change and they told him they loved him, at least that's what he gathers Jensen's opening statement was about. Jensen's parents are good people, that have been dreaming of what their son would grow up to be, they've seen him in the tabloids with girls and to be told that that isn't the life Jensen wants, that has to come as a bit of a shock. But the way Jensen talks about them, he knows they're accepting and Jared thinks they just need a little time to process.

"I told them about you." Jensen admits.

"What about me?" Jared asks, and he feels shaky now for completely different reasons.

"That we're seeing each other. My mom called you my boyfriend, I didn't stop her." Jensen turns to look Jared fully in the face and Jared sees fear behind the eyes. "Do you wanna be?"

Jared's breath gets stuck somewhere between his lungs and mouth. This can't be real, this can't be happening. Jensen's never been this open with him before, he's never just talked, they've never just talked and Jared's face lights up as he looks back at him.

"Your boyfriend?" Jared asks, smile wide and goofy and he doesn't care. "I'd love to be, yeah."

Jensen smiles for the first time since Jared found him on his doorstep and Jared can't help but dip his head and press his mouth against his boyfriend's. Weird, that sounds so weird, he thinks, but he loves it, he really loves the sound of it in his head, thinks he'll love the sound of it even more when he says it out loud. Jensen's lips open against his, tongue darting forward to tease entrance into Jared's mouth, but Jared just keeps moving his lips slowly against Jensen's, running his hands up and down Jensen's arms and feels the man in his grasp shiver into the touch.

Jensen's reaching for more, pushing for fast and Jared recognises that need to connect, but this time, after everything that's happened, Jared wants more than that, he wants to take Jensen apart one pleasure at a time, he wants to take him to a place beyond thought and worry, he wants to make Jensen feel treasured, feel loved and as he pulls back, one hand lifting to stroke along Jensen's jaw, he promises himself that he can do this, that he can give this to Jensen.

Standing, Jared holds out a hand and Jensen takes it without hesitation, rising and allowing Jared to pull him towards the stairs. They pause midway, for Jared to get another taste, for him to lick along the inseam of Jensen's lips and drag a throaty growl from Jensen. He steps back in delight and then laughs when Jensen pushes him the rest of the way up the stairs.

They tumble onto Jared's bed and Jared pushes Jensen back against the mattress as, straddling Jensen, he looks down at him. He runs a hand along the cotton that covers Jensen's torso, pauses as he reaches the hem, looks up at Jensen, eyes catching and he slips his hand beneath the material to feel hot skin. He runs his fingers higher, the t-shirt bunching, revealing the freckled skin of Jensen's stomach. Jensen's arches, back leaving the bed as Jared's fingers find his nipple and twist just the right side of painful. Jared moans his approval at Jensen's response.

He's only touching, they're still fully clothed but Jared feels heady with the sense of power that comes from having a body like Jensen's beneath him like this. He's never done this, he's never been the one in control, and it makes his hands shake just a little as he pushes Jensen's t-shirt higher, drags it over his head. He stares down at the exposed skin beneath him, runs his hands across it, fingers light, barely touching, like a whisper or a promise and he feels Jensen shift against him.

He follows those fingers with butterfly kisses, sweet and meant to tease and Jensen groans at the barely-there contact.

"Jay." He breathes out and Jared smiles into Jensen's skin at the breathless way Jensen calls his name. He only fumbles slightly with Jensen's belt and he considers it a victory when he pops the button of his Jeans on the first attempt, holds his breath as he draws Jensen's zipper down.

The body beneath his begins to shift restlessly, the need for something more than light touches driving its movement and Jared places a hand firmly to soothe and halt the movement. He uses his other hand to drag Jensen's jeans down, he laughs nervously when he realises Jensen's still got his boots on. A moan of protest fills the room when Jared moves off of Jensen and reaches down to untie his boots. Jensen braces himself on his elbows, his upper body off the bed and he watches Jared as he removes the boots and jeans and Jensen's boxers.

He's still fully clothed, standing at the end of the bed looking down at the naked body below him. His fingers itch to touch, his mouth waters at the thoughts of tasting but Jared tries to reign himself in, this isn't about him tonight, this is about Jensen.

Jensen's fingers reach out for the hem of Jared's t-shirt as he lowers himself over Jensen again, but Jared catches the hand easily, brings it to his lips instead. Jensen looks up at him, eyes wary, and Jared places a kiss to the thundering pulse in Jensen's wrist.

"Just let me show you Jen." He says, and he's thankful his voice doesn't shake as he gets the words out. "Let me show you how you make me feel." That's all he wants, all he needs, to show Jensen how loved he is, and how right this is, how right they are, to just make him forget all the bad, all the worry and focus on this, on them.

His lips dance along the skin Jensen's arm, his teeth nip only to soothe it away with soft press of his tongue. Jensen's body relaxes degree by degree as Jared works his mouth over Jensen's body. He knows all the spots that Jensen loves and he uses them against him. That spot behind his ear, Jared sucks at that, and Jensen bucks light beneath him. When he dips his tongue into the hollow of Jensen's neck, he feels fingers clutch at his back. By the time Jared reaches the sharp jut of Jensen's hip bone, he's writhing beneath Jared and Jared knows he's got Jensen right where he wants him, balancing precariously on the edge of letting go and he wants to see what happens when he does.

Pulling back Jared looks down at the sight before him once more and he can't believe he's lucky enough to have this. Jared shifts further down the bed, his gaze settling between Jensen's thighs and his mouth waters as he takes in Jensen's cock. He hasn't even touched it yet, but it lies full and heavy against Jensen's stomach, the head red and angry and Jared feels another twist of lust as Jensen unconsciously jerks his hips, jostling his dick and spreading precome against his skin.

Jared's hand reaches out, the tip of a finger ghosting up over the length and Jensen's hips rise off the bed seeking better contact. He never expected to like this so much, never expected to crave the feel of Jensen in his hand or the taste of Jensen in his mouth, but ever since that first touch, that first taste, he hasn't been able to get it out of his system. Gripping Jensen at the base Jared leans forward, tongue licking a teasing trail from the base to tip.

"Fuck." Falls from Jensen's mouth and Jared grins as he takes the head fully into his mouth. Jared grips Jensen's hips as he feels him thrust up, trying to slide further into the heat of Jared's mouth, but Jared's in control here, he says how much and when and he just holds Jensen down as he slowly slides Jensen's cock further into his mouth. He hums his approval at the feel of Jensen heavy against his tongue and gets an answering groan from Jensen from the added stimulation.

The tight grip of fingers in his hair pushes Jared's arousal higher and he's glad he left his clothes on else he might have been tempted to just rut himself against Jensen and let go. Jared takes Jensen as deep as he can, feels the head of Jensen's cock bump at the back of his throat before pulling back, running his tongue along the underside, teasing at the bundle of nerves just under the head, with just that pressure that he knows drives Jensen crazy, and then slides back down to do it all over again and all the while he's working his hand, squeezing and twisting and losing himself in the taste and feel of Jensen.

Fingers tighten painful against his scalp and he knows Jensen's about to lose it, so he pushes Jensen's cock deeper, hollows his cheeks and sucks a little harder. "Jared. I can't-" And Jensen doesn't get to finish that sentence as his words fade out into a silent moan, his head falling back, his hips battling with Jared's strength to leave the bed  and he spills himself into Jared's mouth. Jared just takes it, swallowing down each spurt of come, working his hand over Jensen as his body trembles with release, only moving away, Jensen slipping from his mouth, when Jensen pushes him forcibly off, the sensation becoming too much.

Jensen just lies there, eyes squeezed shut and Jared watches the rise and fall of Jensen's chest as his breath stutters from his body. He likes Jensen best like this, blissed out, too far gone with pleasure to do anything but lay there. His cock reminds him that the night isn't over yet as it strains against his jeans and Jared hastily strips out of his clothes. He reaches into the nightstand and pulls out lube and a condom and tries to steady his breathing. Jensen's still lying there, hasn't made any indication that he's noticed what Jared is doing and suddenly he has the thought that maybe it isn't okay to do this, that maybe Jensen doesn't actually want this. Maybe the phone sex was just living out a fantasy, maybe that's as far as Jensen wanted to actually take it.

He's jerked out of his current neurosis when he feels Jensen slip the bottle of lube into his fingers. He looks down at his hand, then back up at Jensen, chest tight with awe and worry.

"You sure?" He asks Jensen and watches as a grin spreads across his face, head falling back against the pillows.

"Fuck yeah Jay." Jensen drawls. "Wanna see if you're as good with that cock as you are with your mouth."

Jared's stomach tenses at Jensen's words, his dick begging for just a little attention, but he's worried that if he touches it, he won't be able to stop and he really really doesn't want to get off that way. He wants to be buried deep in Jensen when he comes and the thought that he can have this makes his blood rush a bit faster. Jensen, Jensen is so good when he does this for Jared, but what if, what if he can't do that, what if he messes this all up.

"Tell me." Jared starts, face flush with embarrassment. "Tell me if I hurt you or if I'm doing this wrong."

Reluctantly Jared raises his head to catch Jensen's eyes, he isn't prepared for the brush of Jensen's lips against his own. "You won't, but I'll promise you anyway."

Jensen takes the lube, that Jared's still clutching, from his grip, snaps the cap open and squeezes it out onto Jared's fingers. Then he lays back against the pillows, thighs open and waits for Jared. He can do this, Jared tells himself. Jensen trusts him with this, so he can do it. He moves higher up the bed, settled between Jensen's thighs, left hand resting on Jensen's leg and rubs one finger around Jensen's puckered hole. He keeps glancing up at Jensen's face, trying to decipher the emotions there, ready to stop if he sees anything close to discomfort, but all he sees is bliss.

Taking a deep breath he pushes the finger forward slowly, holds the breath as it sinks into Jensen and lets it out as he hears Jensen groan in pleasure. He leaves it there a few moments before beginning to move, a slow drag out, a slower push in, just the way he thinks Jensen works him open. He crooks his fingers, trying to make this good for Jensen, trying to find that spot that always pushes Jared higher, but he can't seem to find the right angle or depth.

"More, Jay." Jensen mumbles pushing his ass against Jared's finger and Jared pushes a second slick finger against Jensen's rim, it's a little more work than the first, but it slides in easily and continues his same rhythm this time with two fingers. He notices Jensen's cock has begun to fill again and it makes his own jerk at the thought, because surely that means he's doing this right, that Jensen's enjoying this.

He stretches his fingers inside Jensen, feels his body give to the intrusion and is awestruck by the fact that he's got his fingers up Jensen's ass right now, maybe he should be freaked or disgusted but he's not, he's just beyond turned on and if the little mewling noises and twisting of Jensen's body are anything to go by then Jensen's right there with him.

Crooking his fingers upwards again he feels Jensen jerk beneath him, breath shuddering out. "Jesus Christ!" ripping from Jensen's lips and he knows he found it, Jensen's prostate, that bundle of nerves that make stars explode behind his eyelids, he hopes it's the same for Jensen. Working a third finger into Jensen is much more difficult than the first or second and he worries that it's too much, but Jensen just pushes down onto them, telling Jared how fucking good it feels.

"Fuck me Jay." Jensen begs after only a few minutes of having three of Jared's fingers working him open and Jared thinks maybe it isn't enough but when Jensen whines and begs again. "Need you inside me, God!" He can do nothing but give the man he loves what he wants.

Removing his fingers, he struggles to open the condom wrapper, fumbles further when he tries to roll it on himself then spread the lube along his length and he can't look up at Jensen as he asks. "How do you - erm - wanna do this?"

A hand lifts his chin so their eyes meet and Jared settles a little as he sees only lust and want and need staring back at him. Jensen doesn't speak just pulls Jared down on top of him, spreads his legs further and planting his feet in the mattress lifts his hips just a little in invitation. Fuck, Jared thinks, never gonna last.

He kisses Jensen, once, twice just to ground himself, then lines his dick up against Jensen's ass before pushing slowly forward. Jensen's still got his face in his hands, their eyes still locked and Jared wants to close them at the tight hot feel of Jensen opening up around him, but he's too mesmerised by Jensen to want to look anywhere else.

He sees the flash of pain in Jensen's eyes as the head of his cock slips past the tight ring of muscle and he holds himself still, body straining with the urge to move, to thrust, to bury himself in Jensen. He's never felt anything like this, never knew it was possible to feel anything like this. He'd thought Jensen's mouth was hot, he'd thought that was maybe the hottest thing but this, sliding inside of Jensen, feeling him open up, feeling him take him is so much more. It isn't just the pleasure, the sheer need coursing through him, it's that Jensen trusts him enough to let him inside his body. He feels strangely humbled by that thought and it's the only thing holding him back from merely taking his own pleasure.

"Move." Jensen says and it snaps the little control Jared was holding on to.

His body thrusts forwards, probably too fast probably too hard but he can't think through the haze of need and Jensen and more. His mind is lost to the pleasure, to the instinct of movements he had no idea he knew, and rocks himself into Jensen's tight ass.

"Jen. It's so - God - you're - dunno if I can..." Jared grits out, eyes still locked with Jensen's and Jensen doesn't say anything, mouth hanging open, dragging in deep gulps of air but Jared feels Jensen bear down, feels Jensen's ass grip him tighter and he hisses, roughly taking Jensen's mouth with his own.

He has enough brain cells left to think about Jensen's pleasure and Jared works a hand between their bodies gripping Jensen's hard dick in his hand and begins to work him back to orgasm.

"Come on. Come on." He chants as his hips slam harder faster and he prays Jensen's close. He's surprising himself with his ability to hang on, but any control is fast evaporating.

Jared squeezing Jensen tight, thrusts his hips forward once more, deep and hard and realises he must have hit Jensen's prostate as the body under his, tenses, muscle taught, back arching, ass pressing down on Jared's dick, as the one he's working over with his hand jerks.

"Yes." Jensen cries. "Fuck Yes." And he's spilling thick ropes of come over both their stomachs.

Jared's breath heaves, his ability for thought or reason non-existent, all that matter is this, all that he can think about is Jensen and his hips continue to plunge in, out. Three deep thrusts is all it takes, before his hands tighten on Jensen's thighs and his breath stutters. His body shakes as Jensen's body wrings the orgasm from him, the sensation too much and not enough and he chants Jensen's name into the crook of his neck, where his face his buried. He's never felt anything like it, Jensen ass gripping him as he twitches through the last few bursts of his orgasm and he feels like screaming, he feels like shouting or dancing or maybe crying. Instead he takes a few deep breaths as Jensen runs a soothing hand along his back.

Finally when he finds the strength Jared pulls out of Jensen's ass, misses the heat as soon as it's gone. He should get up, get a cloth to clean them both up but he just doesn't have the strength, he simply pulls off the condom, ties off the end and throws it in the direction of the bin before pulling Jensen against his side and the covers up over them. They don't speak, Jared just listens to Jensen's breathing, notices how it eases down and feels his body settle in.

"Thank you." He hears Jensen mumble.

And Jared just lies there with Jensen nestled into the crook of his arm, head resting on his chest against his heart and Jared's overcome with a sense of belonging.


	10. Overthinking

Turning in the tangle of sheets Jared stretches tired muscles,realising he can't move one of his arms he opens his eyes to see his boyfriend, and man that still sounds weird, curled up against his side and the current source of his pinned status. Looking down at sun-kissed freckled skin and dusty blonde hair, ruffled from sex and sleep, Jared can't help the smile that plays across his lips.

He could get used to this.

Maybe not to the dead weight that's currently trapping his arm, because he can't actually feel his fingers right now, and surely prolonged exposure to those kind of situations is likely to lead to a constant non-feeling and Jared, well, he kind of likes the use of his hands. But this, Jensen lying next to him, in his bed, in his home. Yeah he could get used to that.

It's strange, Jared thinks, because this isn't the first time he's had Jensen in his bed, it isn't the first morning he's woken up with that body almost smothering him, but somehow, this morning, it all seems to hold more meaning. It's as if, when he didn't really know if he meant anything to Jensen, and surely he means something now because Jensen asked him to be his boyfriend, but back when he thought he was in this all alone, he hadn't dared to let himself have moments like this. Moments where there's only the quiet and calm, and Jensen sleeps by his side so peacefully that Jared can almost believe they're the only two people for miles. Indulging in that kind of thing before, well, yesterday, terrified him, because each time he let it happen Jensen somehow wiggled his way just a little deeper into his heart and so the more he let himself see and feel and accept those moments the more afraid he became that he'd never be able to let them go.

 _God I'm turning into a girl_ he chastises, but it doesn't stop him curling just a little closer into Jensen and closing his eyes, the light is barely peeking through the curtains, he can let himself spend a little while longer believing it's just the two of them.

When he opens his eyes from sleep for the second time that morning, some hours later if the now bright light in the room is anything to go by, he's greeted by green eyes and a full smile.

"Morning." Jensen hums as he presses a kiss to Jared's lips.

"Hmm." Jared mumbles as Jensen sinks into him and then groans in distress when those lips pull back too soon, eyes still on Jensen he pushes forward trying to chase those lips as Jensen swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Gottaget up Jay." Jensen chuckles as he dodges Jared's attempts at pulling Jensen back down next to him. Jared hears the chuckle die out into a low groan as Jensen settles his weight on his ass and Jared's heart leaps into his throat. He reaches out with more purpose this time, the teasing from just a few minutes earlier forgotten and holds Jensen still, pushing himself up to sit next to him.

"Did I..." He starts, flustered with trying to find the words and needing to know the answer. "Are you okay, Jen?"

Jensen turns to look at him, confusion evident on his face and Jared grits his teeth in frustration closing his eyes and letting the words fall out in one fast mumble that he isn't really sure is understandable.

"DidIhurtyou?"

Jensen just stares back at him for a few seconds before his face changes completely as realisation of what's currently racing through Jared's mind hits him, concerned eyes on Jared Jensen settles a hand lightly on his thigh and squeezes in reassurance.

"Jay? No. I'm just a bit sore. It had erm - well, been a while." And this time for once it's Jensen's turn to blush. Usually that would light Jared up inside, that he could make the cool, experienced Jensen blush would leave him awestruck. Jensen is so rarely bashful about anything that Jared loves to press his buttons when he discovers them and has, on many occasion, just to see what can make him squirm but right now all he feels is this dread in the pit of his stomach.

"But you're okay?" he questions. Jared remembers his first time, with Jensen, who'd been pretty gentle and he'd worked Jared open slowly but still he'd felt it the whole week after and sure it wasn't Jensen's first time, but Jensen had said that it had been a while and Jared, he should maybe have been a bit gentler right? It's just, it was Jensen, he seems to have no control when it comes to Jensen.

"More than okay." Jensen's smirk quells the immediate worry, makes his face light up, because he loves the way Jensen's voice gets deep, and the Texas seeps out just a little stronger when it's laced with innuendo. Hearing Jensen liked it, enjoyed it, calms a little of his insecurities, but still it niggles at him.

"Okay. You'd tell me if I did?" Jared asks and there's something of the broken boy Jensen sees from time to time in Jared, nothing of the man and Jensen brings his other hand up to rest against Jared's jaw.

"You couldn't hurt me Jay." Jensen says gently but it doesn't sway Jared's conscience or ease the worried look from his eyes and Jensen must notice because he continues. "But I'd tell you."

Jared nods and they sit there a few minutes, the room suddenly a little too serious and Jared starts to feel a little uncomfortable with the way the morning turned out, maybe he ruined it, but he chastises himself, because he needs to stop thinking like that, too damn paranoid. Jensen wants him, and he tries to hold on to that knowledge.

"Maybe we should clean up." Jensen wrinkles his nose gesturing to their naked bodies and Jared realises their stomachs are still crusted in Jensen's come. Yeah clean up is definitely needed and if he's lucky he may just wrangle Jensen into cleaning up together, shared showers is really one of Jared's favourite things.

"Got a present to get to, remember?" Jensen smiles, pushing Jared into his en-suite and then shutting the door between them. So no shower sex. Jared groans before letting it go and stepping into the shower because hey, maybe he's not getting shower sex but he is getting a present. And if there's one thing he loves more than orgasms, it's probably presents. Excitement bubbles inside of him because with everything that had happened the night before, and he still hasn't gotten the image of Jensen looking so lost on his doorway, doubts he ever really will, he'd completely forgotten their Sunday plans and his mind races with ideas of just what Jensen might have gotten him.

An hour later, Jared's still none the wiser and just a little bit moodier because Jensen is no fun. He really doesn't understand the whole giving a surprise thing, at least not the way Jared does surprises because he won't even give Jared clues or answer any of his questions he just smiles over at him indulgently, it almost makes Jared feel like a bratty teenager again, because that look is far too similar to the one his mother has given him over the years and it makes him want to wipe that smile off his face, but he just sits there as they continue to drive into the centre of Boston.

"Please Jen. Just one little clue." Jared whines and looks through lowered eyes at Jensen, it isn't the first time on the drive that he's resorted to what Sandy terms his 'damn puppy-dog eyes'. And that reminds him of Sandy, he really should call her and tell her he has a boyfriend now and maybe say sorry for being just a little bit of a jerk.

"Jensen?" Jared asks puzzled as they pull up at the curb. There's a few small shops to his left, houses to his right and Jared wonders why the hell they've stopped here. Jensen just sighs as he opens the car door.

"You coming?" He asks when Jared is still sitting there a few minutes later and Jared fumbles with the door handle as he gets out of Jensen's truck.

"It's just up here, a few minutes." Jensen says and Jared's getting bored with this whole secrecy thing and surprises. He really wants to just demand to know what it is and what's going on because he needs to know, but at the same time, he's kind of enjoying it too, in a really messed up way and he just can't bring himself to spoil this.

The walk isn't far, just a couple of minutes until Jensen suddenly stops and gestures his arm at the store front they're currently standing outside of, as if to say this is it. Jared's looks at the store and then back at Jensen his confusion evident on his face.

"Jen, you brought me to see the dogs?" Jared asks as he looks at the sign for the rescue centre in front of him and sure, whilst it isn't the present he'd been thinking about for the past, what feels like hours, it's nice, he thinks it's pretty damn awesome actually.

"No. Jay." Jensen tells him and Jared feels a frown work across his face.

"Huh?" Jared cocks his head to the side, he feels like he's being slow, like there's something really obvious happening and he's just not grasping it.

"You get to take one home." Jensen tells him, the smile he's wearing since they stepped up to the store falls a little, as if he's suddenly unsure this was the right thing to do. "If you want to?"

Standing on the pavement, Jared's pretty sure he looks like a goldfish the way his mouth keeps opening to say something before he closes it shut without uttering a sound. It's just, he's pretty damn speechless right now. This, getting a dog, he's been talking about it and planning to do it for months and somehow there's always been something standing in his way. But Jensen, wonderful thoughtful Jensen, he knew how much he wanted this and his boyfriend, his fantastic boyfriend is giving him this.

Jared can't stop the way he takes a step closer to Jensen, the way he sinks his fingers in to clutch at Jensen's t-shirt before pulling him close, before pressing their lips together, the need to show Jensen just what this means to him too much.

He feels Jensen tense at the contact immediately. He doesn't push Jared away, but when they part Jared notices the way his eyes survey the area and suddenly what felt so right, pulling his boyfriend in for a kiss, doesn't feel like that anymore.

Jared isn't one for PDA, but at the same time, he's not ashamed, if the situation calls for a kiss, a hug, and this one really did then he's going to do it, be damned who's watching. But maybe Jensen isn't like this. Jared knows he told his mom he was his boyfriend but maybe that's it, maybe he doesn't want to shout it from the rooftops like Jared does.

"So we going in?" Clearing his throat Jensen asks, and Jared doesn't miss the way he shifts awkwardly on his heels. It's the second time today Jared's felt so off balance but he follows Jensen into the store without saying anything, feeling too unsure about himself to question Jensen.

Jared tries to push the uneasiness, that somehow seems to have crawled inside his gut, away as they walk around the centre but it just seems to settle there, and the air between the two of them seems tenser than it's ever been. It doesn't dissipate until Jared's eyes fall on a quiet bitch with doe eyes and sandy fur.

"Hey, Sadie." He coos rolling the name tag of her collar in his fingers as he reads the name, and Jensen rolls his eyes at the lilt his voice takes on. "You're a pretty girl aren't ya." He continues, ignoring Jensen's barely stifled laugh.

Scratching the bitch under the chin, a soft whine works from the back of her throat and tail wagging she bumps her nose against his hand and licks and it only takes a moment but Jared knows he can't leave her here.

"Now that's high praise." The lady who'd greeted them, Stella was it, as they'd arrived, stops by Jensen's side to oversee the introduction. "Kinda skittish that one, never seen her take to a stranger like that before."

"What do you think Jen?" Jared asks, and he's not so sure why it suddenly matters that Jensen loves this dog as much as he does, but it does.

Jensen bends at the knees to reach the dog's level, a hand reaching out to stroke along her back over soft fur and Sadie turns to him then, head nuzzling into Jensen's hand and he openly laughs. "She's great Jay." And the tightening that had started around Jared's chest loosens at the sheer delight he hears in Jensen's voice.

It doesn't take long for him to become completely sure that he's taking Sadie home with him. Hell, it probably only took one look. It happens just like it did with the house. Just one moment was all it took for him to know, for him to get that strange feeling in his chest, that loosening of this weight that he never seems to quite rid himself of.

He plays with Sadie for a good twenty minutes before Jensen decides they maybe need to see someone about _'I_ _dunno_ _, buying this dog'_ and that's when Jared is enthusiastically greeted by what he pins down to be a Mastiff, all wet licks and bouncing paws.

"Sorry. Man, I'm sorry. He just loves saying hi to everyone." The guy walking the overzealous dog apologises whilst griping the lead and trying to calm him. Jared waves off the apology crouching down to take the dog's head in both hands before scratching behind the ears. There's that loosening again as the dog lurches forward and licks a wide stripe up Jared's cheek and shit now he's half in love with this one too.

He looks up through pleading eyes at Jensen from his spot on the floor.

"Well shit." Jensen chuckles. "I hope you didn't really like your house."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So I may or may not have the most awesome boyfriend." Jared tells Sandy when she finally picks up the phone.

"Ha! Why? Wait... Did you say boyfriend?" And Jared can feel her excitement down the line.

"I did." Jared smiles, really, he's never going to get used to it and so what if he currently feels like a crushing thirteen year-old school girl, he likes it.

"Jensen?" She asks dreamily.

"Hmm,hmm." His reply mirrors her tone before he winces at the squeal that follows it.

"Jesus. One of these you're gonna make me deaf."

"When? How? What did he say?" Sandy bombards him with questions and Jared just chuckles back at her enthusiasm, he can feel her happiness for him and it settles a few of the niggling thoughts about that kiss in the street earlier, because he really isn't going to read into it or dwell on it, he's just going to let it go and maybe not do that again.

"Saturday, he turned up on my doorstep looking kind of lost. I swear I've never seen him look like that before. I really don't wanna see him like that ever again." And isn't that the truth, it had almost been like looking at a reflection of himself, he'd seen the beginning of those haunting memories, but he knows, it isn't going to be the same for Jensen as it was for him. His family love him and once they take a step back and think about it all, accept it all, everything will be okay. "He erm... he'd told his folks, about being gay and his Mom, she'd asked if I was his boyfriend and he'd told her yes. And he just told me that, just like that and then asked me if I wanted to be."

"He came out to his folks for you?" Sandy squeals again. "Damn that boy's head over heels."

"It wasn't for me Sands." _It wasn't for me,_ he repeats to himself. Sure it might be nice, if he had, but Jared doesn't want it to be like that, he'd told Jensen, and he'd meant it, that he needed to do it for himself. Jared doesn't wait to hear Sandy tell him of course he did or some other string of words that are only going to slide into his heart past those last few barriers he's still managing to hold up and crumble them completely, so he takes a breath and tells her more.

"I told him, about, San Antonio and everything." Jared hears Sandy suck in a breath.

"Everything?" She questions, voice showing just a little strain.

"Yeah. Apart from you, he's the only one, really, that knows it all."

"How did he take it?"

"Well. Really pretty well. And he could still look at me afterwards you know. I was so afraid and now that I've done it I'm not really sure what I was afraid of, but it was just, I've spent so much of my life hiding that part of it, became so scared that people knowing would somehow change things. I mean I cried, Sands, I fucking balled my eyes out and we were fucking naked, and that's just beyond mortifying but he just held on and I think it was the first moment that I thought that maybe he really could care."

"You know you're worthy of that Jay." Jared can hear the thickness of tears in her voice, but he wouldn't ever call her on it, he knows the past is as much his burden to carry as it is hers. He knows he hasn't made her life easy and to be honest she hasn't made his, but if he had it to do over again he wouldn't give either of them easy because he wouldn't have Sandy, and he could never have made it this far without her. "At some point you have to let them go. You have to stop waiting for them to accept you."

She knows him so well. Sees the parts of him that he will never admit to. Sees the thoughts he keeps hidden even from himself and that's one of them, the one he tells himself isn't true. He tells himself he doesn't need them, that it doesn't matter, that he's better off without them, but that broken boy inside of him? Sometimes that boy just wants his parents, and really he can't blame himself for that, because what little boy doesn't?

"What the hell was that?" Sandy asks, a large crash from Jared's living room interrupting the suddenly emotionally awkward turn of the conversation.

"Oh that." Jared laughs, trying to shake-off her words, it doesn't really work. "That's actually the reason behind me having the best boyfriend in the world, or well reasons."

"Stop talking in riddles please."

"I got two dogs. No, wait. Jensen got me two dogs. For Christmas." Jared doesn't endorse dogs as Christmas presents, he really doesn't, but he has to admit this is probably the best Christmas present he's ever gotten.

"Holy shit. I've been trying to get that to happen since you moved in!" She says in exasperation.

"I know. He just. He took me to the shelter to pick one, and I saw Sadie, this German Shepherd, and she took one look at me and I was a goner. I finally understand what you mean about not being able to say no to the puppy-dog eyes now. And then we were leaving and Harley just, well, ran right into me and it just all happened again and I couldn't choose so I brought them both home."

"Why am I not surprised?" She sighs before chuckling lightly as another crash comes down the line.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was just a knee-jerk reaction, the way he'd tensed when Jared had kissed him. He hadn't had time to realise what was going to happen before Jared's mouth had suddenly been pressed against his and he'd frozen. Like an idiot. His mind had begun all these stupid scenarios, like maybe there would just happen to be a photographer right there, or someone he knew or they both knew would be walking down the street, which he knows now is completely ridiculous, his luck really isn't that bad and then come to think of it, really, what would be wrong with any of that happening anyway. He isn't proud of it okay but he'd panicked and he keeps trying to tell himself that it doesn't matter, that he hasn't done anything wrong, hell he'd only been out to his parents for a grand total of forty eight hours, he hadn't had the chance to adjust to the kind of thinking that kissing a guy in public isn't something he has to hide anymore. But it doesn't really work, it doesn't erase the disheartened look he'd seen on Jared's face. It doesn't change the fact that he hurt Jared, no matter how unintentionally it may have been. He still did it and he feels like shit for that.

Jensen had hoped, despite the fact that Jared had noticed Jensen's cock-up, that it would just maybe blow over, and maybe at first it had. But now, now he's not so sure. Okay, sure, things seem to be okay when it's just the two of them. Things are fine, things are the same. But in public or at training it's changed. Jared, he's become, well, more restrained. He's always been a pretty touchy feely guy, a hand on the shoulder or a slap on the back were a common occurrence but this week, it's as though he's conscious of not touching Jensen in public at all. It's beginning to drive him crazy.

Jensen's pretty much had it, he's tried being the touchy-feely one for them, he thought maybe that would let Jay know that this was okay, that he was okay with it, but Jensen, he just isn't that kind of guy and so the arm slung round the shoulder or the pat on the back, they somehow just come out awkward and stilted and if anything it seems to add to the tension between the two of them, not alleviate it.

Damn, he wishes he could call his mother. He would've done. Just a week ago, he wouldn't have hesitated to pick up that phone but now, now he finds himself wondering whether that's really the best thing to do. They needed time, to adjust to this or whatever, so maybe calling his mother to ask for advice about his boyfriend, that maybe isn't giving his mother the space she needs. He just, he doesn't like having to second guess what he can tell her, isn't that why he hasn't called her since he got home, because it's easier to say nothing, than to say the wrong thing and mess it all up.

Jensen sighs as he slouches into his couch, life used to be so much easier. Six months ago he didn't have all this drama in his life. Sure there was the lying, and the dating girls he didn't like, and the awkward hook ups with guys he wasn't really interested in and there was the shame, the shame that was constantly eating at him and maybe that wasn't actually any better than his life is now, but it was familiar, he understood that life, he could deal with that life, and a little part of his brain thinks, almost wishes for the easiness of it all.

But then he thinks of Jared. Of the way he has this smile just for Jensen, dimples out in full force and the genuine emotion of it reaching his eyes unlike it does with most, and yeah as sappy as it sounds he wouldn't trade that smile for anything.

And that's why he has to call his Mother and ask for advice, no matter how terrible that might turn out, he has to fix this thing with Jared before it becomes unfixable.

"Hey hunny." His mother greets him, the same smile to her tone that he always hears and he hadn't really realised that he wasn't expecting it to still be there until it is.

"Hey Mom." Jensen says voice faltering just a little on the words.

"Saw Monday's game, tough game, but you played so well." His mother praises, she does this every time he calls, no matter whether he lost his last match or not she always says he played so well. She's maybe justified to be a tad biased what with him being her son and all.

"Thanks Ma." Jensen has to clear his throat before he continues, he guesses he'd really expected this to be awkward, even now he still expects them to turn away from him. "Josh and Mac driving you crazy yet?"

His mother chuckles. "Not at all, you know me and your dad love having you kids home for the holidays. Not that I won't relish a little peace and quiet once the holidays are over, but no one needs to know that. So." His mother pauses. "How's Jared?"

Jensen's heart feels like it's doing a damn tap-dance in his chest. "He's erm... He's good."

"Good." Another pause and Jensen stifles a groan at how awkward it is to talk to your mother about your boyfriend. "We're going to want to meet him you know."

Jensen almost chokes on the words he'd been working up to say. Something about not having to talk about Jared if it makes his mother uncomfortable, but then she just spits that one out, invites Jared to visit, as if they're talking about something as inconsequential as the weather.

"It's erm... I dunno Mom." Jensen answers lamely.

"Jensen Ross. He's your boyfriend isn't he?" His mother's voice holds the no-nonsense tone of his youth, it shouldn't make him feel nostalgic to be scolded by her, but it does.

"Yeah." Jensen says with a wince.

"Then you have to invite him to come meet your family."

"I can't." He says, his voice a little rougher than intended.

"Give me one good reason why not?" She demands.

He almost doesn't want to say it, he knows if he voices his concerns it's likely going to hurt his Mom, and he doesn't want that. It's just. Jensen isn't sure how they're really doing with the gay thing and it's fine if they give him the cold shoulder, it's fine if it's awkward and tense, but he isn't going to willingly put Jared in that situation. He's been hurt enough by people not accepting him he doesn't need to add to that with his own damn family.

When he doesn't answer, his mother's voice comes down the line, softer this time. "Is everything okay between the two of you?"

"Yes everything's fine." Jensen grits out before resting his head in his free hand, hadn't he called her because things weren't okay. "Actually, no, it's not fine. But that isn't the reason I'm not bringing him."

"Okay, Jensen, first you are going to tell me why you're too ashamed of your family to bring your boyfriend to meet us and then you are going to tell me what is going on between the two of you." He thinks he hears her mumble on the other side of the line about him being a damn stubborn idiot but he decides to let that one go.

"It's - I know it was a shock for you okay." Jensen starts, he feels his palms begin to sweat, fear edging in the back of his mind. "And I know you need some time to get used to the idea or come round to it or something. And that's okay, you taking that time, I understand, as much as I don't like that things are different I understand. But I can't, I can't put Jared in that situation again. He's been - enough people have hurt him by not accepting him and I can't knowingly do that to him."

There's silence for a few minutes and Jensen's worried he's finally sent his mother over the edge. "Well I feel like I should be a little offended because you think I'd invite someone into our home and then mistreat him, do you really think I could do that Jensen?"

"I don't know." Jensen says in exasperation. "I know you wouldn't do it intentionally, I know you wouldn't and to be honest, I'm pretty sure you'd fall in love with him the moment you saw him and just mother him the whole time he's there, but there's still that chance, and I just I don't know if I can take it yet."

"If you care about Jared, then we're going to care about him too sweetheart, because you do. I think maybe this adjusting isn't just on our end. Maybe you need a little time too. Bring him when you're ready. That's all I'll ask, okay?"

"Thanks Ma. I promise I will."

"Is - can I ask about Jared?" His mother says gently.

"It's not really my pain to tell Mom."

"But you're hurting for him?" And Jensen hears the worry she doesn't voice in that simple truth.

"Of course I am. He's my boyfriend and I..." _I love him_. He can't bring himself to say it, but he feels the honesty of those words in the tightness of his chest as he holds them back. "You know."

"So, tell me what you did to mess things up between the two of you."

"Why do you assume I did something?" Jensen chagrins, just the hint of a whine to his voice.

"Jensen." His mother warns.

"Okay okay." Jensen huffs, his mother knows him far too well. "He kinda, he kissed me, in public and we hadn't done that before and I got all awkward and tense and I really didn't mean to, and I thought things were okay, but this week, he hasn't come anywhere close to touching me, even in just like platonic, normal ways."

"Are you bothered about people seeing you Jensen? Do you want to keep this a secret?"

"No. God no. It was just, I didn't think and I - he caught me off guard okay."

"Good. I think I would've had to come down there to knock some sense into you if you'd said yes." She chuckles down the line. "You need to speak him, and you didn't need me to tell you that, you already knew, you were just being your usual stubborn self."

"Okay."

"Promise me, otherwise I will have to come up there."

"I promise Ma, I'll talk to him today."

It's pretty easy after that to carry on the conversation. His Mom tells him what his brother and sister have been up to over the break, talks about the neighbours and people he knew from school, who's getting married and who's having kids and it's almost like nothing changed. He tells her stories about Jared, about the dogs he got him and how ridiculously sweet it is that Jared loves them so much. He's almost sad when he has to put the phone down.

Despite the conversation and the advice from his mother that he already really knew, he still feels a little silly having to have a conversation with his boyfriend to ask him to touch him, he feels like a needy little girl. But really this isn't about him, he wants Jared to feel comfortable, to be himself, not this quasi partially restrained version.

Jensen's trying, he really is, he wants to be what Jared needs and part of telling his family was about that. He couldn't really be with Jared if they didn't know and that wasn't really fair on either of them, and now, he can't really be with Jared if the team don't know.

It just, that's another damn big step, he's spent the last few years with these guys, day in and day out and he's let them believe something about himself and he's not sure how accepting they're going to be when he comes clean. It's not that he's worried they'll have an issue with him being gay, most of the guys didn't bat an eyelash at Jared coming out, no he's more worried they'll feel betrayed because he lied to them about it for so long.

Still he needs to do this, he needs to make things right.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It had been a strange week, a week of constantly second guessing himself. Jared hadn't meant to let it get to him, he'd told himself he could let Jensen's hesitancy go, and he had, hadn't he? It's not like he'd brought it up, or pushed Jensen, but he'd let it wiggle its way into his psyche. Damn it was messing with him, with everything. He just couldn't help it. Every time he'd gone to touch Jensen, even if it was in a way he would with any of the other guys, he'd only been able to see that look that had come over Jensen's face when he'd frozen, and he'd found himself holding back. It's just, he's not sure what's allowed anymore, what will cause another situation like it and he's driving himself half crazy worrying over it.

But it's going to stop. Today. He can't keep doing this to himself, he can't keep second guessing whatever it is they have, if Jensen doesn't want to be him then he wouldn't be with him. Right?

He's got to stop thinking that every little thing he does is going to make this fall apart or else it will do. He's wiping the slate clean, and he's starting today, tonight. It's New Year's eve and really he can't think of a better time to make a fresh start.

They haven't really talked about plans for tonight and as Jared changes into his hockey gear, raring himself up to face the Islanders, he wonders if they can just spend the time together. Maybe at his, maybe at Jensen's? Just the two of them and the pups. It always seems like they're on even footing when it's just them, like everything will work out.

"JT." Mike greets him with a pat to the back. Jared had wondered if things would become awkward with Mike after that whole drunken night out where he'd said things he hopes will never ever be repeated, in fact he was pretty sure it would become awkward, he'd done far less to lose friends in the past, but Mike had just shrugged it off as if it was all pretty normal, which, thinking about Mike it might have actually been too normal.

"So where's mermaid eyes." Mike asks and Jared groans inwardly, so maybe there are some things about that night that Mike is less willing to let go of, things that he hopes never reach the ears of Jensen.

"Not sure he's here yet." Jared says and really he'd been beginning to wonder where Jensen was himself.

"Huh! Thought you two were attached at the hip or something." Mike teases.

"Shut up man." And that's when he hears the tell tale sound of Jensen's laugh, full and open and he turns to see Jensen's arm slung around Chris both of them chuckling about something. It's relaxed and honest in a way that he wishes he could be with Jensen and it rips at something inside of him. Fresh slate, he reminds himself. He can have that, he's going to let himself have that.

He shares a smile with Jensen as he and Chris join their section of the locker room. They don't really talk as they get ready, some light banter but that's it, each of them getting into their own head space for the match, it isn't uncommon really, well for them anyway.

Jared listens to Kripke's pre-game talk and like always most of it goes in one ear and right out of the other, it's not that he doesn't respect their coach or value his advice, it's just that this close to a game, minutes before he's about to step out there he likes to find that inner calm, he likes to block out all the insecurities all the worries and just focus on what he knows he can do with a hockey stick and a pair of skates. That's why he's pretty startled when Jensen pulls him aside moments before they're about to step out.

There's something in Jensen's eyes that Jared doesn't recognize at first, but as he shifts his weight to his other foot and clears his throat, herealises Jensen's nervous, anxious about something.

"Can we, can we talk later?" Jensen asks and Jared wonders how a simple question can floor him.

Mumbling out a nonchalant 'yeah sure' he passes by Jensen and out into the rink, it doesn't stop his heart from beating wildly in his chest or the feeling of dread to settle into the pit of his stomach.

Mike eyes him warily as he joins him on the bench, knocks their knees together as he asks. "You okay man?"

"Yeah fine." He grits the words out, doesn't believe them.

 _Can we talk later?_ What does that mean? With the weirdness of this week Jared's beginning to think it can only mean one thing, right? Does Jensen want to end things? Jared doesn't want to think that, he really doesn't, he's minutes away from stepping out for a game, a game he needs to befocussed for and he really can't let those thoughts in without breaking.

Despite his focus and the fact that Jared's sure he just played the best he has all season he still finds himself sitting in the locker room having lost 3-2. He can't really bring himself to be overly annoyed about it, yeah, sure, he likes to win, he plays to win but if he plays his best and he loses then really, yeah it sucks, but there isn't much more he can do and he's not going to beat himself up over it either.

After showering, he dresses slowly, the room fairly quiet, there's tension in the air, the kind that always makes itself known after a defeat. Some of the guys will make jokes to try to ease it and on good days, if the loss doesn't hurt too bad, a simple bit of laughter will ease all their moods.

It seems like Chris is the guy to try that tonight, and Jared isn't really surprised when Chris stands on the bench motioning everyone round and telling them to shut their damn mouths. Still Jared eyes him warily, Chris making announcements can only really mean one thing. A party. And damn, he'd forgotten, he had completely forgotten that  Chris had mentioned, off -hand that he might be able to get them some tickets somewhere for New Year's. Jared wonders if he can just slip out the back, maybe grab Jensen on the way so he can find out what's going on before he goes insane analysing all the possible things Jensen could want to talk about.

 "So I got us all on the list for an awesome New Year's party, like I told y'all I would, so I don't wanna hear any excuses from anyone, y'all got thirty minutes to be ready or I'm dragging you outta here buck naked." Chris pauses for effect before adding. "Don't think I won't."

Jared notices that that last sentence is directed at Jensen and he thinks huh what's up with that. It's also pretty damn clear that he isn't getting out of going to this thing. Which sucks. He glances down at his grey slacks and black shirt, it's his game outfit, he forgot to bring anything else with him, wasn't intending on going out afterwards, he sighs and guesses he'll just have to make do with this.

He tries to grab a moment with Jensen before they leave, just to put his mind a little bit more at ease but Chris quickly intercepts, winding his arm around Jensen's shoulders and Jared doesn't hold back the scowl that works over his features, he's really having no damn luck today.

"Pretty boy here's with me." Chris says before calling to Tom and Justin that he's their ride there and trying to herd them along. Jensen gives him an apologetic smile as Chris leads him out but he doesn't stop him or say anything and Jared feels his worry start to claw at him.

A hand to his arm stops him from just walking over there, dragging Jensen away and demanding him to tell him what the hell is going on. He turns to look back at Mike and he swears he sees pity in those eyes and that, that just makes Jared's anger step up a notch. He doesn't need pity, he's seen enough of it to last a life time.

"You're with me." Mike tells him. "Leave your car here, pick it up tomorrow." And before Jared can think of protesting, of putting his foot down and saying he's going home, Mike's already gone, off in the direction of the cars. What a fun night this is gonna be, he thinks.

Jared doesn't even need to use his fake ID when they head into the club, the bouncer just steps aside, shares a laugh with Chris and then lets them all file in. Does Chris know everybody? It certainly feels that way sometimes.

Once inside the guys break off into groups a few heading for the dance floor, another group chance their luck at the tables where a bunch of girls are celebrating, Jared decides to join Chris, Mike, Jensen and the rest of their group at the bar as Chris orders the first round of shots.

He hands them out before turning to Jared.

"So a soda for you?" He jokes, holding Jared's shot just out of reach.

"As long as there's a healthy shot of JD in it yeah." Jared laughs before reaching out to grab the shot from him. Chris willingly hands it over before settling by Jensen's side that damn arm draped around his shoulder again. This is okay, Jared tells himself, they can have a few drinks and then he can find a quiet corner to talk with Jensen, because it can't be that bad. It can't. Sure the past week has been a little strange, but when they've been together it's still been good. Jensen can't be ending this. New slate, he tells himself, new slate where he gives Jensen the benefit of the doubt. New slate where he stops sabotaging things before they actually go wrong. New slate where... Jensen is into girls?

His skin crawls as he looks up to see Danneel plastered up tight against Jensen's other side, mouth pressed against his ear and Jensen is just smiling at her, a real smile. Not those fake ones he gives to most people.

Jared almost chokes on his drink when he sees them and there's something heavy and hot in his chest, that's growing, as he watches them. He doesn't really care for the feeling. He watches as Danneel steps back from Jensen and the two start talking. He could take a step forward and he'd probably be able to make out the words, but he's not sure he wants to. The room suddenly feels too warm and all Jared's earlier anxieties come back to him, Jensen's 'can we talk' looping round his head.

"I'm gonna..." Jared mumbles to Mike motioning somewhere on the other side of the room before turning and walking, well, anywhere, just away from that and the fact that his heart currently feels like it's crumbling and he doesn't know why.

He hears Mike call out to him but he just blends into the crowd on the dance floor, stooping his shoulders so he can get lost in them. He thinks he maybe understands Mike's pity from earlier, did he know about this. About Danneel. Are they together again? Did Jensen change his mind after all?

When he finds a set of stairs he climbs them, the upper level of the club is a little quieter, more tables, another bar and he sits himself on a stool and motions for the bartender.

"Something strong." He tells him and the guy just nods before he sets a drink in front of him.

His gut churns as he replays the scene downstairs. He'd never really thought that Jensen was a complete dick. He'd thought for sure that Jensen did things that made him look like a dick, but he'd never actually thought he was one. But now, now that's all he can think. He can't get the thought that Jensen couldn't even wait to break up with him, and it makes Jared seethe, or maybe that was the break up, maybe letting Danneel mark her territory like that was his way of letting Jared know this was over.

With the mixture of alcohol and anxiety his mind is going crazy and he can't help thinking who else knew, Chris? Mike? Justin? They must've all been laughing behind his back. What an idiot. He knows better. He knew better. And still he let Jensen get close. And even as he's thinking that, he doesn't want to let himself believe it. Somewhere inside, beneath the hurt and confusion and the sheer endless conclusions he's jumping to, he can't let himself believe that the guy he loves would do this to him. The guy that bought him two dogs for Christmas, wouldn't do this, would he?

He knocks back the drink, winces as it burns on its way down and signals to the bartender to keep them coming. He's not sure how long he sits there, but he thinks he hears a few of his teammates across the room after a while. He doesn't turn to look, not sure he's ready for what he might see.

It all just blurs past him, he's lost in his mind until he hears the crowd begin to chant, the countdown to the New Year starts and Jared chuckles to himself without humour, he'd thought maybe this one would be different, he'd been a fool to think that. Pretty lousy to not even have someone to kiss on New Year's he thinks and then someone's hand is on his shoulder, another on his jaw turning his face and he doesn't get a chance to think through his alcohol glazed mind about what's happening until there are lips pressed against his, lips that feel distinctly familiar, and that taste as a tongue licks into his mouth, of beer and mints but underneath that, that delicious taste is Jensen. He doesn't think about where they are, or who might see, he doesn't think about what happened earlier, or his own insecurities, he's just wrapped up in Jensen and this moment and how much he wants this, how much he needs this and how much he can't let this go.

He doesn't hear the cat-calls from the across the room until Jensen pulls back and the bright smile on Jensen's lips dies a little as they filter through to him as well. Jared feels his own face fall, because it's obvious Jensen doesn't want this, that he's still awkward about this, what is this, what was that, goodbye? Or was he proving a point, still playing with him, for the guys? Jared's gaze flicks over to the guys and then he tries to turn his head away, but Jensen just holds him steady.

"I should've asked." He says. "Before I did that I should've asked if this, if them knowing was okay."

Jared stares back in disbelief, because he doesn't understand.

"But - " Jared starts shaking his head, trying to get some brain cells to work. "Danneel?"

"What?" Jensen says and has the gall to look at him as if he doesn't know what Jared's talking about.

Jared pushes him back a step, needing a little air.

"I thought." Jared doesn't know what to say, he doesn't understand what's going on. "Danneel?"

It's Jensen's turn to look at Jared in disbelief and Jared just scoffs trying to turn away. If he stays here he's going to break and he can't, he really can't give Jensen that, but Jensen just won't let him go, won't let this go.

"She came up to me, and she plastered herself on me before I had a chance to stop her. But I did Jay, and then I told her, that I was with someone, that I was with you and then I spent the rest of the night looking for your sorry ass." Jensen looks exasperated as he talks.

"You're not breaking up with me?" Jared asks warily.

"Why the hell would you think that?" Jensen asks incredulously.

"It's just, well you said we needed to talk and that often doesn't mean good things Jensen, and then I saw Danneel and I thought you two were, I dunno, back together."

"Shit. I wanted to talk, to tell you that I was sorry for last week, that I wanted to be open about this relationship, but then Chris fucking dragged me here and I didn't get the chance to. Me and Danneel back together? That's crazy man, where did you get that from. I may be a lot of things Jay, but I don't cheat." Jensen rakes a hand through the short strands of his hair, a habit Jared's comes to realise means he isn't quite comfortable. "I just kissed you in front of the team Jay. Would I do that if I didn't want this?"

It truly hits Jared then that Jensen does want this, and the man himself is looking at Jared as if the next words from his lips might break him. He doesn't say anything at all, just lets his fingers clutch in the soft material of Jensen's shirt, and Jensen leans into the touch as Jared pulls him forward taking his mouth with his once again and any thought of not wanting this, any doubts of what this is between them, dies out with that kiss.

"I'm sorry." Jared apologises as they break away from each other.

"Don't." Jensen stops him, leaning down to rest their foreheads against each other. "I should be the one that's sorry. I screwed this up. I'm not great with talking about how I feel Jay. It's just..." Jared loves the feel of Jensen pushing his hair back from his face, loves the way his eyes bore into him, and Jared knows Jensen doesn't have the words to say how he feels because neither does he. How can he describe the way his chest feels tight when he looks at him, how he feels light and giddy just being near Jensen, how the thought of this being over breaks something inside of him. How it's all of those things and so much more.

"So what do you say to getting out of here, and I can make tonight up to you."

Pushing Jensen back, Jared's breath is short and shallow as he looks at him, really looks. Clean slate he reminds himself. "I suppose I could be persuaded."

Jensen chuckles pulling Jared in close. Jensen waves a hand in acknowledgement to their friends as he leads Jared away from the bar. Jared's fairly certain he hears a wolf-whistle as they leave and he's pretty sure that that whistle belongs to Chris, but he doesn't turn to look back just keeps on walking with Jensen, a slight blush rising over his features, because hey, it's kind of awkward, that now all their friends know they're going home to have sex.

"Sorry about Chris man." Jensen apologises as he trails to hail a cab. "He was being such a douchebag earlier, he knew I didn't want to go out tonight and he knew if I got in a car I was going to talk you into just going home so we could talk, and I'm going to kill him later for not letting me."

Jared thinks he might like to join in on the killing thing, because without Chris there wouldn't have been the Danneel incident and Jensen getting to see all of his crazy, he's still not sure how he feels about having let it out, and they could've been at home and talked and be much more naked right now.

"That's why Mike made me ride with him too right?" Jared says.

"Yeah probably, they knew if you didn't turn up I'd just take off. They thought something was up with us." A cab finally pulls up to the curb where they're standing and Jensen opens the door, waits for Jared to slide in before he does, and things like that shouldn't make Jared's heart race, because he isn't a girl, he doesn't need Jensen to be chivalrous and open doors and do things for him, but he can't help it, he really kind of likes it.

"Hmm, sorry about that. I've been kind of..." Jared circles his finger close to his temple, that he hopes resembles his craziness. "This week."

Jensen snorts at the motion and Jared's words. "Tell me about it." He teases.

"Hey!" Jared replies indignantly shoving Jensen even as a laugh bubbles its way out of his throat.

"Just - " Jensen starts, his voice a little shakier, the humour completely gone. "We should be able to talk right." His eyes dart to the cabbie in the front and Jared thinks Jensen's about to forget all about whatever it is he's working up to but then he just throws Jared a smile, one that says 'fuck it' and he just carries right on. "So if I've got a problem. Or you've got a problem. We just say it, okay, and then we deal with it."

Jared eyes Jensen curiously, before inclining his head in agreement, it sounds like a pretty good idea to him. Pretty straight forward in theory, who knows how it'll play out.

The ride isn't long and Jared's thankful, he can't wait to find out all the ways Jensen feels like apologising to him, but when he unlocks the door, instead of heading up to Jared's room, Jensen's moving in the direction of the living room as the dogs come to greet them. He raises a brow when he looks at Jared and sees his confusion.

"I thought we were gonna." Jared motions his head in the direction of the stairs. "You know."

"Oh I know. But you gotta let the dogs out before they destroy the place, come on." He pulls Jared away from the stairs as the dogs circle round them, bumping their noses into legs and urging the two of them to the back of the house.

Jared opens the back door and contemplates just leaving it like that and dragging Jensen to bed, because he really, really wants Jensen underneath him right now, but Jensen doesn't give him a chance, just tugs on his arm and pulls him out onto the porch.

The dogs chase wildly through the long grass, Jared thinks he might never cut it and he can't help but laugh as he watches them and settle in to Jensen's arm wrapped around his waist. They're going to be soaked from the moisture and Jensen's probably going to bitch when they jump up at him all wet paws but he doesn't care. He's just taking a moment to enjoy this. The cool night air and the quiet, the only sound that of the playful yips of the dogs and Jensen's breath in his ear. He aches from the sheer joy it brings him and it's almost painful, but this almost feels like family.

"So I remember someone promising to make something up to me." Jared teases shifting his hip against Jensen's side.

"Oh yeah?" Jensen replies turning into Jared's body and just crowding him up against the wall, mouthing at Jared's jaw shooting a thrill though Jared's body. "I think I might recall something about that."

Jared squirms against Jensen's grip as the vibration of Jensen's words are absorbed by his skin, nerves going a little haywire from the sensation. Reluctantly he draws back to shout over to the dogs and they come running after only a few calls, and really that's a pretty good improvement, soon they might even come the first time he calls.

Jensen watches him all hungry eyed and Jared tries to settle the dogs as fast as possible, because all he wants right now is naked Jensen and his hands on that skin, but it's like they sense his excitement or something and Jensen just chuckles at his failed attempts to settle them down.

Jared's buzzing with need and want by the time he actually manages to drag Jensen up the stairs.

"Off." Jared demands, tugging at Jensen's shirt as they fall through the door to Jared's room. Between quick touches and light kisses they shed their clothes until they're both stood, breath a little heavy, naked, hard, in the middle of the room.

Jared might feel uncomfortable around someone else, he's never been one to walk around naked, but there's something about the way Jensen looks at him, eyes roaming his body, drinking him in, like he's been starved of it for so long, and it lights this fire under Jared's skin, which only burns brighter when Jensen stops just looking and reaches out to touch.

Warm skin slides against warm skin as Jensen leans up, resting on the tips of his toes, to press kisses to the corner of Jared's mouth. Fingers ghost along his forearms, sending a shiver down his spine as Jensen draws them closer, a moan of blissful pleasure escaping his lips as their cocks rub against each other.

"Wanna taste you Jay." Jensen murmurs between kisses, pressing Jared back and down onto the mattress, crawling over him until he's straddling his hips. "Then, I'm gonna ride you."

Jared's hips jerk forward as the meaning of Jensen's words ring through him. Hot, is all Jared can think, that sounds beyond hot.

"I'll do all the work Jay." Jensen's lips trail over Jared's pecs, tongue laving over Jared's sensitive nipples, causing his back to arch, hips rising up off the bed. He moves lower, and Jared sucks in a breath as Jensen's tongue dips into the hollow of his belly button, squirms at the jolt of need it sends through him.

"Won't have to do anything."

Jared's eyes slip closed as Jensen's hand wraps round the base of his cock, squeezes and the breath comes rushing out of him in response.

"Just lie there and take it."

And then Jensen's tongue licks along the underside of his cock and it's all Jared can do to keep still. Jensen's mouth, just the thought of that mouth, has him rock hard, but that tongue working over him, dipping into the slit at the head, teasing over him and those words, it's almost too much. He's lost to anything but the feel of Jensen's mouth on him.

He has to grip his hands in the bedding to ground himself when he feels himself slide into the wet heat of Jensen's mouth, feels lips tight around him, smooth and soft. A hand holds his hips into the bed to stop him pushing forward, to stop him from burying himself completely down Jensen's throat, and he would, that's how far Jensen can take him with his mouth, he can make him lose his mind completely until all he sees is his need and the coiling tension demanding to be released.

It's not enough and too much when Jensen slides his mouth off, looks up at Jared with hungry eyes a hum of satisfaction vibrating from him before shifting to fully straddle Jared hips again.

Jared isn't prepared when he feels the head of his cock brushing against the crack of Jensen's ass, he's even more unprepared for the slick feel of lube and his breath gets caught in his chest, his muscles tense as he realises what that means.

"Did you open yourself up whilst you were sucking me off?" Jared asks in pure disbelief, really how could he have missed that.

"I might have." Jensen says before bearing down on Jared's dick. They've only done this once before, Jared sliding into the slick heat of Jensen and somehow, as he pushes past that first barrier, buries himself a couple of inches inside, he thinks it feels better than the first time, and really he didn't think that was even possible.

"Uh - God - I." Struggling to find the words to tell Jensen just how hot and tight and unbelievable this feels he grips Jensen's hips tighter than really necessary, raises his hips and slides in another inch.

"Holy - fuck." Jensen curses as the sensation of being filled hits him full force, but he doesn't stop Jared, just lowers himself a little further until he's taking all of him.

They stay like that for a moment, Jared buried in Jensen, heaving breaths the only sound in the room, and then Jensen moves, not much, just this slight swivel of his hips, and Jared grits his teeth as pleasure washes over him. It hits him then, why this feels so good, why it's so different.

"Shit. Jen. Condom." He's not sure he makes sense, but it's taking everything to find a few brain cells that aren't focussed on how damn good it feels to have his cock surrounded by Jensen to form just those few syllables.

Jensen leans down head resting against Jared's before he manages to speak. "So good." He lets out on moan. "Never - I'm clean. Never - shit - you?"

What Jared takes from that is that Jensen's pretty much as far gone right now as he is, and he doesn't seem to care about a condom, he's clean, and Jared trusts that and really this just feels too damn good to stop.

"Yeah. Me too." Jared breathes out and then all hope of conversation or stopping is lost as Jensen begins to move, slow drawn out drags up before using his body weight to slam himself back down, sending Jared's body into overdrive with each movement.

It's uncoordinated, fumbling, each riding their selfish need to release and Jared thinks it might be the best thing he's ever felt. He manhandles Jensen forward into a kiss, holds the body above his steady before he begins to thrust in earnest, hard and fast and unrelenting. Something about the angle or position or just the moment has Jensen keening on top of him sending Jared's arousal higher with each sound.

"There - holy fuck -ah - right there Jay." Jensen's fingers clutch into Jared's biceps, likely leaving marks, and Jared likes the idea of that a little too much. He listens to the change in Jensen's breathing, feels the way his body tightens around his cock and he knows Jensen's close, but before he can even get a hand between them to help Jensen get there, Jensen's whole body tenses, fingers dig in further and he grinds down on Jared's cock as he spills across both their stomachs.

It snaps something in Jared, that release, something primal and his hips jerk faster into Jensen working him through the orgasm, milking everything from him and each time Jensen's muscles contract around him it just sends him closer to the edge. Untouched, Jared thinks, just came fucking untouched and it's that thought that has him burying as deep as possible into Jensen, dragging a cry from the guy as he grazes over over-sensitized nerves and it all becomes too much. Jared presses his lips into Jensen's, surrounds himself in the man he loves, in his taste and his heat and lets himself go. His hips jerk a few times, trying to force himself even deeper as he comes, feels it, slick and hot as he shifts his cock through the final few thrusts. Jensen's hand brushes the hair stuck to his forehead back and presses his lips to the skin there as they both come down, trying to get a grip on reality again.

"Thought you were supposed to be doing all the work." Jared smirks as they lie panting, still tangled in each other.

"You can drive anytime Jay." Jensen says sliding a hand over the tight muscle of Jared's abs. "Fucking hot. Happy New Year man."

"Hmm... yeah, best damn New Year ever." Jared admits and Jensen just chuckles before curling himself around the warm body and settling in, and thinking yeah sure, best damn New Year.


	11. What Have You Been Doing Lately?

"I wanna do something for Jay." Jensen says when he finally manages to corner Sandy alone.

Sandy had arrived on Jared's doorstep two days ago, telling Jared she needed her fix of him, what with them not seeing each other over Christmas and New Year and Jensen had tried his best to make himself scarce at first, thinking Jared would maybe want to spend some time with his best friend, but that hadn't been the case at all. When Jensen had mumbled something about giving the two of them some space, Jared had just told him not to be stupid, and when Jensen had protested further, told Jared he was gonna go, well Jared just hadn't let him leave and Jensen guesses it's not so bad really, he's kind of gotten to liking Sandy. Not that he didn't like her before. He always thought she was nice but he just thought that her and Jared's relationship was a little weird, but the more he gets to know Jared the more he's beginning to understand, she's not really just a friend to Jared, she's his family. 

"I've got Meg's number. I was thinking of calling her. We've got this game in Texas in a few weeks and I was thinking if she wanted to I could get her to meet up with Jay."

He may or may not have inconspicuously borrowed Jared's phone in order to get that number, but no one needs to know that. The thing is, Jensen thinks this could be a good thing, judging from what Jared said about phoning home over Christmas it sounds like Megan misses her brother and Jensen would love to be able to give Jared a little bit of his family back. And this way he can act as a go between so that if it doesn't go too well, well Jared never has to know.

Sandy turns to look at him fully, glancing at the kitchen door and Jensen figures she's checking that Jared is totally out of ear shot, this isn't a conversation either of them really want him to overhear. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea Jensen." Her voice is full of apprehension and Jensen gets that, there's a lot of history that he doesn't really know, and the things that he does know about, he wasn't really around to be a part of, and really that's gotta be a whole lot worse than just hearing about it and it was pretty bad just listening to Jared tell his story.

"Did he tell you he phoned home at Christmas?" Jensen asks, for some reason he gets the feeling Jared hasn't.

"What? No! What happened. I swear if his mother said any more vile words to him, I'm gonna go down there and give her a piece of my mind." Sandy's hands are balled into fists at her sides and Jensen can see the frustration just boiling off of her . He admires that loyalty and that fierce need to protect the person you love, because, well, he feels exactly the same. Maybe it's something about being in love or maybe it's just Jared that brings out this sudden desire Jensen has to shield Jared from all that can hurt him in the world. Jensen thinks the guy's had enough hurt to last a lifetime, and he sees how it weighs on him from time to time, how his insecurities come to the surface and his confidence takes a nose dive and Jensen hates that he can feel so down on himself sometimes.

"No. Meg answered. He didn't say anything but she said his name, guessed it might be him. Said she missed him and that it was okay. I think she wants to see him, but I just wanna know if you think he'd wanna see her." Jensen wonders if maybe he shouldn't be telling Sandy this, if this crosses some kind of boyfriend code, but he really needs her take on things, he thinks he's right about this, it feels good but he just needs to hear that from her too. He wasn't around for that period of Jared's life, and she was, she knows his family.

"Of course he would. I know his biggest regret is that he missed out on so much of her life." Sandy pauses for a minute, Jensen can see the wheels turning before she sighs and continues. "Okay Jensen. Call her and ask her but tell her she's only to come if she's gonna accept Jared for him." Sandy fixes him with a serious stare and Jensen wonders just how many brain cells she thinks he has. 

"Well, duh." Jensen responds, rolling his eyes at the thought that Sandy thinks he would ever set Jared up to get hurt like that, to be honest the thought that she does, kind of grates on his nerves a little, but he pushes it down, because Sandy has been, in her own eyes, Jared's protector these last few years and just because he's around now doesn't mean it's a role she's gonna let go.

"You're good for him." Sandy's voice breaks through any annoyance he has left and her words push Jensen just over into uncomfortable conversation territory.

Jensen can't help but mumble. "Erm... Thanks?"

His obvious awkwardness with the situation doesn't seem to deter her, she just keeps right on going.

"I haven't heard him this happy since he left home. It's like a piece of him came back to life." She clears her throat of what Jensen suspects are tears. "Well, let's just forget I said that." She laughs. "God, he makes me such a sap."

"I know that feeling." Jensen says before he can hold it back and as soon as he has he feels blood rushing to his cheeks, why did he think talking to Sandy would be a good idea? "And on that slightly embarrassing confession I'm off."

"Let me know how it goes." She asks as he pushes his way hastily through the kitchen door.

"Sure." He shouts back over his shoulder, happy to have made his getaway.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finding a spare minute to actually call Megan after his talk with Sandy and deciding that it is the right thing to do turns out to be much harder than he anticipated. It's suddenly apparent to Jensen just how much time he and Jared have started to spend with each other since they became official, hell, even before that they spent most nights together, the only exceptions being those before a game.

But just when he's about to have to think up an excuse to get some time alone, maybe get Chris to say he needs his help or something, a stroke of good fortune comes his way.

"You have to come Jensen." Jared pleads, and Jensen does not care how damn endearing those puppy dog eyes are, he is in no way being talked into this.

"No way." Jensen repeats for about the fourth time in the past 10 minutes. "I'm immune to that look when it comes to shopping."

Jared slides his body close, moulds it around Jensen's side and Jensen almost curses, because that is definitely not playing fair.

"Not even if I..." Jared runs his teeth along the edge of Jensen's ear, and he can't help but shiver in response to the contact and the way Jared's voice suddenly gets low and heavy. "Promise to use my tongue on you later, you know, that way you really love."

Jensen shifts to look Jared in the eyes unsure he's heard properly. They do dirty talk, boy do they do dirty talk, but usually it's Jensen initiating and getting Jared just too damn turned on to have any inhibitions with it anymore, but this, this is new and no one can really blame him for going from slightly interested, it's a permanent state around Jared okay, to fully hard at the sound of those words falling from Jared's mouth. Jensen realises the look he must be currently wearing is somewhere around confusion, at least that's how he guesses Jared takes it when the words just keep spilling from his lips, a blush beginning to work over his face as he manages to stutter them out.

"When I - I - fuck you open with it."

Jensen can't be held accountable for the way his hips push up against Jared's thigh in response to that, a groan of approval working its way out of his throat, because fuck that's hot, hearing Jared like that is unbelievably hot.

"Jesus." Jensen stutters out, his hips moving unconsciously against Jared again, searching for any kind of friction to help relieve the tension that's coiling steadily inside of him.

"Hmm... Want that Jen?" Jared asks, voice full of innocence and Jensen's fairly certain Jared's going to be the death of him. He just grinds himself against Jared once more, voice shaky from the way his breath's hitching as he answers.

"What do you think?" Eyebrow raised as he looks up at Jared, but the action, and his words, hold only a fraction of the bravado he was working for.

"So, mall?" Jared asks again taking a step back from Jensen and Jensen only just manages to hold back a whine at the lack of contact. It takes Jensen a minute to clear his head of anything that isn't Jared and naked and bed now to realise that he totally just got played.

"That's a no just on principle, Jesus, Jay." Jensen shifts uncomfortably against the wall, trying to adjust his dick inconspicuously to ease the increasing pressure. To his surprise Jared just chuckles as he watches him, a twinkle in his eye that Jensen's not sure he's ever seen before. "I've created a monster." Jensen groans, head leaning back.

When he looks back at Jared, he's got his pout face on again and Jensen doesn't know whether to laugh, cry or just face defeat already.

"You are not getting me to go to the mall." Jensen tells him again, voice full of determination no matter how close he feels to breaking.

"But I have to go." Jared says, as if that explains it all.

"That's because she's your friend." Jensen laughs and Jared continues to pout until Sandy comes to drag him away at which point Jensen's beyond thankful, because if Jared had offered him one more sexual favour, she'd have walked in to Jensen taking them, and though Jared and Sandy are close, Jensen's pretty sure they aren't that close. He's not too sure what got in to Jared, but he knows he's gonna have to find out, because it had been hot as hell.

Once he's got himself under some kind of control, he waits just long enough that he knows they're actually gone, Jared has this habit of forgetting things and having to make a trip back to get it. Jensen does not want to be caught on the phone to Jared's sister if he walks in, somehow he doesn't think it'll work out too well.

His hand shakes slightly as he finds Megan's number and presses dial, his heartbeat starts a pounding rhythm and Jensen doesn't realise he's been holding his breath the whole time the phone's been ringing until someone picks up and the breath whooshes from his lungs in relief.

"Hello. " A female voice comes down the line.

"Is that - are you, erm... Megan? Megan Padalecki?" Jensen remembers when he could be smooth. Some time before Jared he was able to do things like this without palpitating fear.

"Yeah, that's me."

"Oh okay." Really Jensen? He's sure he rang to ask something not just babble incoherently down the line.

He hears a chuckle back at him though and figures it could be going worse. "Who is this? Dave, did Claire put you up to calling me? You didn't need to bother." Well that makes little sense to Jensen. He is not Dave.

"No. I'm Jensen, erm, Ackles. I'm a fri-" He doesn't get any further as a squeal threatens to deafen him.

"The Jensen Ackles?" She almost screams and Jensen has to pull back the phone from his ear in order to save his eardrum, the squealing however doesn't last too long before she suddenly and rather seriously asks. "Are you friends with Jare?"

"Yeah that's why I'm calling." Jensen says finally thinking he's going to get a word in edge-ways, turns out being talkative isn't a Jared thing but more of a Padalecki trait.

"Oh my god, is he okay?" She cuts in, voice full of concern, and Jensen thinks that's a good sign.

"Yeah, yeah Jay-Jared's fine. I was just wondering if, well we're down in Dallas in two weeks got a game, and I know Jared would love to see you."

"Yes!" She says before he can finish. "Does he know you called me?" Seems the girl's pretty astute.

"No, maybe you shouldn't tell him. Just say you wanted to see him and knew he'd be playing that game. I've got a couple of tickets you could have."

"Okay." Jensen hears hesitation in her voice, and thinks she's about to ask why she should keep talking to Jensen a secret but the next words that she says aren't anywhere near what he expects. "Maybe I can talk Jeff into driving me, he could come too?"

"Megan." Jensen's voice holds a warning as he says it, a tone he doesn't even realise he's using, he remembers the way Jared had described his brother and the way he'd expected him to get in touch, he'd heard in Jared's voice how much it cut him that his brother, the guy who'd always had his back, had let him down just like his parents. He has to battle back a little anger at Jeff before he can speak. "I only want people around Jay that are going to accept him."

He doesn't notice how Jared's nickname falls into the sentence, just notices the silence down the line before Megan responds.

"Jeff, he regrets how things went down, me too, it's just, we never called him and you get to a point where you can't call because too much time has gone by and so we waited for him to reach out to us, but he, he never, and then we see this life he has, the life he always dreamt of and I guess that just made it harder for Jeff." She pauses. "It's not a good enough excuse, I know. But I know he and me too, we want to put things right or as right as they can be again. We just want our brother back."

"Okay." Jensen replies. "I shouldn't say this, but you and Jeff were always part of his dream life you know."

"If he can forgive us, we wanna be there for him now, as much as he'll let us."

"Right, I'll erm... I'll leave the tickets at the gate under your name, there'll be two so if Jeff does decide to come or you wanna bring someone else that's cool. If you hang around afterwards, down by the players entrance then we'll come find you. I'm not gonna tell him though Megan, I'm not sure he'd be there if he knew, and I can't take the chance of telling him and then you not showing either. So I'm not sure how he's going to react, but just, don't take it personally you know. If you're not coming, if something changes and you can't be there just call me okay, so I know."

Jensen rattles off his number, his nerves tied in knots again, because really, is this the right way to do this, should he be doing it at all? Too late now.

"I'll be there Jensen." Megan says, voice full of conviction and Jensen only hopes that holds out for the next few weeks.

"See you then." Jensen cuts the call, hands still a little unsteady and just sits there on Jared's couch a pit of guilt starting to work its way through his body, this is the right thing to do, it is, so why does he feel so shifty right now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Something is different, Jared can't quite put his finger on it, but he gets the feeling that there's something going on. Maybe he's being paranoid but it feels like every time he walks into a room with Jensen and Sandy, they immediately stop talking or suddenly switch to really strange topics and when he questions it, they just get this strange look in their eyes and say it's nothing. But no matter how many times they say it's nothing, Jared can't help but feel that it's got something to do with him and he's not sure whether to be worried about it or not.

As the week progresses training kicks up a gear as they make the last push to qualify for the play-offs and Sandy eventually goes home and the whole thing is pushed to the back of his mind. He's not sure what it was all about but it seems as though it's all worked out now.

He trains hard, he plays harder and when he comes home, he has Jensen beside him. On their down time, which are few and far between these days, they take the dogs to the park and Jared has the time of his life chasing them around, letting them chase him around, all whilst Jensen sits watching them, an amused smile playing at his lips. They spend their days together and their nights and little things of Jensen's, like clothes, shoes, his razor seem to work their way into his house and Jared couldn't be happier.

The guys rip into them about their couple status and how lame they are now that they're practically married. Coach Kripke sits them down for a talk, when the news finally reaches him, on how they don't really have a rule against players dating and he isn't against it unless their games start to suffer, but they don't, if anything they've been playing better and better and Jared loves it when Kripke tells them they're pretty damn good for each other, he also adds that he'll bench them if he ever hears that repeated.

Jared's never felt so accepted in all his life, never felt quite so at peace with himself and so it stands to reason that he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, because really life can't turn out this good. His life can't turn out this good.

Mid-January brings a match in Dallas and also a downer to Jared's mood. He tells himself it's just because of how the game went with the Dallas team last time they played and that it'll probably be worse on their turf, no matter how much he knows the guys have got his back. Even as he lets himself believe that, he knows it's no where near the truth.

He's just never good with stepping back into Texas, there hasn't been that much need for it over the years, a game here and there, but this, this is big, it's never been quite this high profile before and he knows that there's pretty much no way his parents won't know he's there. That thought for some reason settles uncomfortably inside him.

He doesn't expect them to show up, hell would probably freeze over before they acknowledged that Jared was their son, but still them not being there to see him is going to hurt even more than the things they've done and the names they've called him over the years.

You see, it's different than all those other times, this time he steps out on his home turf as a member of the NHL, and like it had weighed on him that first time he'd stepped out as a Boston Bruin, this is just as heavy to carry, because he's going home with his dream realised and that dream was never just his, it had always been theirs too, right up until the day he'd stopped being their son. No matter how many years or moments like this pass, he thinks each one that they're not a part of will continue to tear at him just as hard, because this was their choice.

He tries to shake off his mournful mood and Jensen helps, he really does. He knows he'd have made it without him, he has Sandy when he needs that extra pair of hands to keep standing, to keep wading through, but it's nice to have a couple more there to catch him, however they made it here doesn't matter to Jared anymore, they made it and that's all that really matters now.

The atmosphere is tense when Jared takes a seat next to Jensen in the Stars' locker room, he's never felt anything like this from the guys before, it's not just a feeling of being pumped for a match or determined, there's something more just below the surface, if Jared didn't know any better he'd say they're out for blood. But Jared, he just feels numb.

The pre-game rituals, conversations, talks pass by without him really noticing and Jensen squeezes his leg, something like understanding in his eyes as they stand to head out into the rink. It feels surreal, Jared realises, as he takes his first steps out for the warm-up, as the crowd go wild for the two teams, it feels completely surreal, because he'd once been part of the sea of faces that are staring back at him, his father had held him on his shoulders and told him one day that'll be you son. He looks away from the faces, tries to drown out the screams and tries to focus. He stares down at his hockey stick, on the puck, and he wills everything away but that.

Mike bumps shoulders with him as they take their places for the face-off, a look of encouragement there. Jensen easily wins the face-off, passing to Jared who skates forward, sees Chris open and passes. Chris takes his shot, the puck rebounding off the goal-tender and heading back down the other end of the ice. They scramble backwards in defence and Mike checks the attacker stealing the puck and sending it sailing back Jared's way. He makes two skates forward before he finds himself slammed heavily into the boards. His shoulder sings in pain as he hears the whistle blown over a collective groan and cheers from the fans.

Metcalf the defenceman responsible for the twinge of pain in Jared's shoulder, sends him a calculating grin before heading for his time-out. They're not even two minutes in and Jared wonders if he can really take a full game of this shit.

But still, their ignorance is his advantage, they have the power play after all. Jensen signals a play to him and Chris as they wait for the face-off. Jensen wins the puck easily again, dodges a few defencemen  as Chris makes his way forward and Jared finds himself some space. Jensen fakes a pass in Chris' direction, switching to Jared at the last minute, who pushes the puck easily past the distracted goal-tender. Take that Metcalf, Jared thinks as he skates past the time-out box, a cocky smile on Jared's lips this time and Metcalf looks back with the promise of violence in his eyes and Jared thinks bring it. He's just the right side of angry and frustrated to welcome a little challenge.

Jensen shoots him wary looks as the rivalry between him and Metcalf picks up a few notches as the seconds pass by.

"Should just go back to where you came from queer." Metcalf says as he pushes past Jared, it's the first time Metcalf's actually said something and Jared sees Jensen eyeing him still, ready to step in if he needs it.

"I'm from Texas, you dumb fuck." Jared laughs as he skates past the guy and in the guy's defence he looks genuinely shocked to learn that Jared comes from Texas, as if gays couldn't possibly be born in Texas and something about that kind of idiocracy really tickles something in Jared.

It isn't until the third period that things really begin to get out of hand though.

"Fuck you." Jared spits as Metcalf hurls another insult his way.

"Your boyfriend let you kiss him with that dirty mouth fag."Metcalf asks squaring up to Jared, who's still stood with his back to the boards.

"Yeah I do actually." Jensen says pushing the guy back a few paces. The guy looks at Jensen in disgust and Jared can feel it all start to slide out of control. The guy's bigger than Jensen and he's stepping forward, back into Jensen's space and Jared's only thought is how bad this is going to get.

"Got a problem?" Chris asks from Jared's left as he skates to a stop besides Jensen ready to back them up if they need it and Jared glances around to see Mike and Tom making their way over too and though they shouldn't have to, though Jared feels embarrassed that it came to this he can't help the warmth that spreads through his chest at their response. It doesn't matter what he's lost anymore because right here, in this team he's gained more than he could have ever dreamt of.

Metcalf deflates a little at the show of solidarity from the team. But Jared still hears "Fucking faggots" as he walks away. Jared spends the last five minutes on the bench and that pisses him off more than the rest of it, he just wants to play hockey, he just wants to be out there playing and he doesn't understand why his god-damn sexuality has to influence any of that. He knows he should have ignored Metcalf, any other game, any other place, he would have done, but there's just something about being in Texas that makes him so damn defensive.

It's relief he feels when the buzzer signals the end of play and the fact that they win makes Jared's day just a little better. It's a silent screw you to Metcalf, but what he really feels is screw all of you who couldn't accept me for me.

He showers tiredly, the fight in him gone now the game's over and he feels a little ashamed of himself, that he could let himself be played that way, be so riled up that way, he hasn't let that happen for years. The guys give him a wide berth, all of them sensing his mood and his need to just be in his head right now. He dresses quietly and just sits there when he's done. It's all become so fucked up he thinks, he's become so fucked up.

The noise in the locker room dissipates as players begin to leave heading for the bus and the hotel, but Jared just can't find the strength to move.

"You ready?" Jensen asks when he sits down next to Jared, and Jared looks up at him, dazed.

"Yeah." He sighs wearily, notices the way Jensen frowns at his reaction, but doesn't have the energy to call him on it. Grabbing his hold all, Jensen pushes the door open for him and Jared takes a step out before freezing. He's not sure what he's seeing, but he thinks he might be hallucinating the two people stood waiting for him. He looks over at Jensen, who smiles encouragingly at him and then back to the people he's beginning to realise might not actually be hallucinations.

He can't move, he can't make his legs work and he should, he should be walking over to the two figures in front of him, or well, maybe away from them, but he should be taking some action not just standing there with his heart pounding in his chest and his mind working a mile a minute to try to understand what's happening here.

And then he doesn't need to move anymore, because there's a set of arms wrapping around him and he's not even bothered about the fact that he can't breathe, it's been too long, too damn long since he's been embraced by family like this. All those walls he's so carefully constructed to hold all this back, all the pain and regret and the thought that maybe he'd never get to see them again, just come tumbling down and it hurts, god it hurts so damn bad but at the same time he's happy, he's beyond happy because his brother, his sister they came here, to see him and he's not really sure how he's supposed to handle it.

There are tears on the skin of his cheeks and he's not sure who they belong to, might even be his own and he doesn't care he's just holding on for dear life.

He looks down at the bundle squeezing him so tight, as though she's afraid he's just gonna disappear again and he feels himself holding her just a little tighter for exactly the same reason. He strokes a hand soothingly down her back before lifting his head and meeting the eyes of his brother. The face is different, older, thinner, but those eyes couldn't be anyone's but Jeff's and Jared's not sure what he's supposed to do, whether he should be taking a step forward to his brother or reaching out for him, but in the end it doesn't matter because Jeff takes that step, closing the distance between them, and lifts his arm, hand resting on the back of Jared's head and he leans his forehead against his brother's. They don't speak, no one says anything, but Jared understands so completely and he doesn't care about the past, he doesn't care how many nights he spent praying for them to come back to him, because they're here now and none of that matters any more, just this and them.

He's not sure how long they stand there, Jared's tears spilling over his face but a gentle touch to his shoulder, a touch that could only be Jensen, breaks him from the trance like state he'd been in.

"Why don't we go get some dinner." Jensen gestures in the direction of the car lot and it's only then that Jared notices the people that have turned to watch the commotion and he suddenly feels silly for breaking down in public like that.

He tries to disentangle himself from his brother and sister and whilst his brother takes a step back Megan grabs his hand tightly and doesn't let go. She looks up at him with the same wonder he used to see in her eyes as a child.

"You got so tall." She says and Jared brushes the stray tears from her face a smile playing over his lips.

"You too, Meggie." And at the mention of her nickname Megan's face lights up, and he sees those dimples that Jensen always tease him about and he understands why Jensen can't say no to him, because he feels exactly the same looking down on her like this, he feels like he would give her the world if he could.

Clearing his throat Jared dries the tears from his face with the sleeve of his shirt before lifting his eyes to Jeff. "Can you -- " His throat catches and he tries again. "You got time for dinner?"

His brother nods at him and Jared feels relief flood his body. Jeff hasn't said a word yet, but Jared thinks that maybe, just maybe it's going to be okay.

~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jared's not really sure how they get to the restaurant, he's not really sure what restaurant they're even at, but before long he finds himself sitting in a booth across from Meg and Jeff with Jensen at his side.

He remembers Jensen suggesting he take off and grabbing Jensen's hand like a lifeline, unable to let go, because he really couldn't do this on his own. Maybe it's selfish to make Jensen do this, get through what is more than likely going to be the most awkward dinner of his life but he really can't be alone for this right now.

He sits looking at his siblings and searches for something, anything to say. It never used to be like this, conversation used to flow easily between them, but now, now he realises that he doesn't even know them anymore, they're strangers, Megan for goodness sake, looks like a completely different person and Jared has no idea how to bridge the gap from who they were to who they are. He never thought three years could drive them apart this far.

It's Jensen that speaks first, breaking the uneasy silence and Jared's once again thankful to have him by his side.

"So, Jared told me you were studying to be a doctor?" Jensen asks Jeff and Jared watches Jeff's eyes widen.

"He did?" Jeff pauses and Jared feels the awkwardness rise between them all again and he wonders if this was really such a good idea. "I erm, I got my Doctorate in the summer."

Jared smile breaks out across his face as he looks at his brother. "Congrats man. I can't believe you did it."

"Yeah, you're looking at Doctor Jeff Padalecki." Megan pipes in as she pushes her shoulder against her eldest brother. "Soon to be married Doctor Jeff Padalecki."

"What?" Jared asks, there's elation bubbling inside Jared, because his brother, he's getting married, but then it twists into something hard and cold inside of him. He missed this, he missed his own brother getting engaged, he's going to miss his own brother getting married. And suddenly it all becomes just a little too much.

"Order for me." He tells Jensen as he pushes out of the booth and heads for the men's room. He just needs a minute, he tells himself, just needs a minute to get his head around all of this, around the fact that they're here, that this is happening and that he's missed so much.

Jared stares at his face in the mirror and is so damn confused about the guy staring back at him. He had everything together, he was doing fine, he was making it, and then they have to come back and show him how not-together he is. He splashes water on his face and tries to battle back the swirl of emotions raging inside him. At the sound of the door opening he lifts his head expecting to see Jensen in the doorway, but it isn't green eyes staring back at him, it's his own.

Jared shifts uncomfortably and waits for the inevitable, waits to be cast aside again.

"I'm sorry." Those are maybe the last words he ever expected to hear from his brother and he frowns as he notices just how uncomfortable Jeff looks, maybe more than himself. "They told me you took off, that it was your choice, and I was away, I was studying and I didn't think to question them, I was so caught up in my own damn life that I didn't think to check on you. I didn't come home till the summer that year, I had too many excuses, this internship to do, this paper to write, but in truth I just didn't want to and then I came home and you still weren't there and it just didn't make sense to me. "

Jeff pushes a hand through his hair as he begins to pace in front of Jared.

"They wouldn't speak about it, they wouldn't talk about it but I got it out of Megan, eventually, and I was so pissed at them. We had this fight, I couldn't understand how they could do that to you, their son and I left. Megan told me you'd left for Boston and I should've called then, I should've tracked you down, but I guess I was too damn ashamed of myself, for not seeing it, for not being there for you."

Jared's cheeks are wet again, he doesn't want to cry in front of his brother, he doesn't want to be weak, to be broken, but he can't help it.

"I thought - " He chokes on the words as Jeff grips his arms. "I waited -- but you didn't -- and I thought you felt the same, as them."

Jared looks up into Jeff's eyes and he sees the realisation dawn in his brother, feels himself pulled in tight against his brother's chest, it aches so deeply inside, but at the same time it feels like something in Jared is breaking free.

"Fuck, Jared, no." Jeff tells him. "I was a coward, I kept telling myself I could call, but the longer I left it and the more I saw you living the life you'd wanted, it just got harder to do."

"I just wanted you and Meg and Mom and Dad." Jared sniffs, the admission tearing him apart. "I just wanted to come home."

The grip Jeff has on Jared tightens and Jared hears him curse again. "Well you've got me Kiddo, you've got me and Meg now and we ain't letting you go."

Things are somewhat easier when they both sit back at the table, as if the elephant in the room has finally been addressed and they don't need to tip toe around it anymore.

"Got you the biggest damn burger they had on the menu." Jensen tells him as he slides back into his seat. "Okay?"

And Jared knows that Jensen's not just asking about the burger, he's asking about whatever just went down and Jared knows that if he wanted to get up and leave right this second Jensen wouldn't hesitate to make it happen. But really even though things are still pretty damn screwed up, and he has no idea how this is all gonna turn out, he wants to see this through.

"You know me so well." Jared moves slightly closer to Jensen in the booth, closer than is really acceptable for just friends, but they aren't just friends and Jensen doesn't seem to mind, just slides his arm around Jared's shoulders.

He looks over at Megan, whose eyes are about to pop out of her head the way they widen and she looks between the two of them and then blushes before lowering her head.

"So wedding bells, eh?" Jared asks, deciding to let whatever Meg's bugged out about go.

"Yeah, asked before Christmas. We're planning for June, me and Steph. So much to do, it's a little crazy to be honest."

"I'll bet." Jensen says and Jared raises an eyebrow in question at him, what does Jensen know about marriage.

"Josh, my brother, took the plunge a couple of years back and somehow I got roped into helping with the planning. I feel your pain." Jensen jokes.

The food arrives and Jared's thankful for the fact that Jensen knows exactly what he likes. The conversation remains steady, they talk about Jared and college and Boston, they talk about Meg and high school and if she's thinking of college, they talk about Jeff and the practice he's started at and the house he's doing up for him and Steph, and it's easy again, it's nice and it's simple and it feels right to sit here next to Jensen talking to his brother and sister.

The meal ends far sooner than any of them would like and Jared sees regret in Jeff's eyes when he turns to Megan and says, "Guess I better be getting you home squirt."

Megan looks upset at the prospect of leaving so soon and Jared envelops her in a full body hug when they get up from the table. "You can call me any time you know." Jared tells her as she clings to him. "Come visit sometime maybe too."

"Yeah. I'd -- I'd love that." She sniffles and Jared can't help but flick her on the nose like he used to when they were kids, she doesn't even bat his hand away just looks up at him in awe. "I can't believe I can tell people my brother is a hot-shot NHL player." She jokes as she takes a step back.

Jeff's next, he pulls Jared tight into a hug which surprises him because one hug from Jeff was great, two in the space of a few hours is damn near miracle. "Proud'a you, baby bro."

Jared's heart swells until he thinks it's going to burst and he can tell he's smiling goofily over at his brother but he just doesn't care, he's waited so damn long to hear those words. "You too, you'll have to bring Steph up to Boston to visit soon, we can sit on the porch, still got that damn old ratty guitar of yours."

"Yeah?" Jeff asks as he lets go of Jared and Jared just nods.

It hurts as Jared watches them walk away, but he feels good about it, because it isn't forever this time, he knows that.

"Okay Jay?" Jensen asks from his side.

"Yeah, I think I am." And he truly means it. "Need a god-damn drink though."

It isn't till after a few beers that the whole day begins to click in his mind and those conversations that Jensen and Sandy had been having suddenly fall into place.

"Did you do this Jen?" Jared asks.

"I er-" Jensen looks down at his beer bottle, worrying the label with his fingers and Jared finds it beyond endearing how uncomfortable Jensen is right now. He could play this, he knows, he could make Jensen stew for a bit but he really hasn't got that kind of malice in him, instead he leans forward and presses his lips firmly against Jensen's.

"Thank you." He says when they break apart.

"It was -- you know, nothing." Jared watches the way Jensen tries to play it off but something this big, something this life changing, there's no way he's letting Jensen get off the hook that easily. He just takes Jensen's mouth with his, to stop the flow of whatever idiocy is about to come spilling out.

"Thank you." Jared repeats. "So do you think we can blackmail Mike out of the room tonight."

Jensen laughs. "I may have already made a deal with Chris."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So it turns out that I'm an idiot."

Jared chuckles at his brothers greeting down the phone, continues to chop vegetables as he tucks the phone into the crook of his neck. Jensen's out with Chris today, said Chris had been chirping on about how he doesn't get any Jensen time these days and thought he'd better appease him. Jared knows Chris would bite his own arm off before admit something like that to anyone but Jensen and Jared finds it kind of endearing that they have that kind of friendship. Still, he can't wait for Jensen to come home.

He's gotten to thinking of his place as more like theirs, what with the dogs, they seem to spend more time here than they do at Jensen's, and they rarely stay at their own places alone, so Jared finds that not having Jensen around, makes him sort of miss him, in that kind of way where you don't realise how much you like having someone around until suddenly they're not there. And that's how he finds himself with a knife in his hand and an array of food in front of him, because he needs something to do to stop himself freaking out about just how close the two of them are getting, but mainly because he wants Jensen to have something nice to come home to, like a home-cooked meal, hopefully one that isn't overly burnt.

"Hey Jeff." Jared  acknowledges. "Tell me something I don't already know."

"Hey!" Jeff responds indignantly but Jared can still hear the humour in his tone.

"What did you do to earn someone calling you out on being an idiot this time?" Jared teases and he realises this is easy, talking to his brother on the phone, almost as if the years of silence that stretch between them don't exist at all. Which Jared's grateful for, that and the easy way Jeff seems to be working his way back into his life. He still has doubts, like a few seconds earlier when he'd seen Jeff's name on his caller ID and he almost hadn't answered for fear that it would be awkward, but those doubts are slowly becoming less, and Jared's almost hopeful that sometime soon they might not exist at all.

"I didn't invite you to the wedding."

Jared's slightly distracted by his current food preparations that he can't really be blamed for his response.

"What wedding?"

"Erm... My wedding , dumb ass." That however does get his full response and Jared puts down the knife he's currently using before he loses one of his fingers, he doesn't however get around to forming a reply before Jeff carries on talking. "I kinda, I meant to ask, if you wanted to be one of the groomsmen. I'd been thinking about it, before we came to the game, about getting in touch with you. I want you to be a part of this Jared, and you could bring Jensen you know."

Jared thinks he might be in shock, this is pretty much the last scenario he ever thought would happen and there are a million questions flying through his mind, like, what about Mom and Dad, or, are you out of your freaking mind but somehow none of those are what fall from his mouth when he actually manages to form words. "Jensen?" Is what he actually manages to stutter out and he becomes mildly aggravated when Jeff just chuckles down the line at him.

"Yes, Jensen, the guy you're currently seeing right?"

"I'm... We... How did..." Shit, shit, holy shit. Alarm bells start to go off in Jared's mind, ones that are saying hang up right this minute you don't want to see where this is heading.

"I got eyes don't I baby bro?" Jeff cuts in when Jared seems to be able to do nothing but stumble over a full sentence.

Jared just takes a deep breath, pushing down the fear that's curling inside his stomach. Jeff knows, and nothing's happened, the world has not ended, and really he'd told Jared he was okay with the gay thing, that that didn't change anything between them but Jared realises that up until this moment he hadn't really believed that at all.

"That obvious huh?" Jared manages to say his voice showing just a hint of the strain he's currently feeling and Jeff just hums an agreement.

"So wedding? You, you think you could make it."

He could make it, sure he could, the question is can he survive it.

"I... erm... Do you really think that's the best idea Jeff?"

"Don't do that. I want you there Jared, so just, just don't say no right now, talk to Jensen and then let me know. Yeah?"

"Yeah okay."

And just like that the conversation is over and Jared's left staring down at the food he was preparing without any real understanding over what he's supposed to be doing.

He's still standing there, worrying, whilst trying not to worry, which is making go out of his goddamn mind when Jensen walks in the door, who takes one look at him and then has him promptly sat on the sofa telling him to breathe damnit.

At some point, when his lungs actually start functioning again, Jared comes back to himself.

"I can't go." Is the first thing he says to Jensen, who's still sat at his side on the sofa a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Okay. Go where Jay?" If Jared wasn't freaking out right now he might be pissed that Jensen's talking to him so gently as if one word out of place might shatter him and really maybe that isn't so far from the truth.

"Jeff called."

"And?" Jensen prompts when Jared just sits there staring at his hands.

"He invited me, no, us to the wedding."

And then Jensen starts doing these lazy circles with his fingers over the skin just below the sleeve of Jared's t-shirt and Jared focuses on that, tries to ground himself in something real, something familiar when everything seems to be breaking around him. Jensen doesn't speak just offers him the comfort of having him close and Jared finds himself able to continue.

"He knows about us, I didn't tell him, he just knew. And he invited us, together, and he wants me to be part of the wedding party and I don't know what to do."

Jensen's hand has moved to the sensitive skin of his neck, and the movement of those fingers over his nerves is drawing out the tension he's been feeling since that conversation.

"What did you say?" Huh? What had he said, nothing right?

"He didn't really give me a chance to, he just said to not say no right away and to talk to you about it."

There's a pause, Jensen's fingers hesitating for just a moment before they continue the same rhythm, and it's as if Jensen's taking the time to choose the right words.

"So maybe you should not say no right away and take a little time to decide how you really feel about it." Jared's come to realise that Jensen's pretty damn good in a crisis. Jared's crisis' anyway.

"Yeah." Jared looks fully at Jensen. "Yeah." He says with a little more conviction. "I'm sorry." He adds as an afterthought for the food still half prepared in the kitchen.

"Hey, it's okay, this is what I'm here for." And Jensen presses a light kiss to the corner of his mouth, another over the fullest part of his lips, tongue snaking out in invitation but Jared pushes back slightly breaking their mouths apart.

"Not for that." Jared explains a slight blush working its way over his skin. "Dinner, I was gonna make dinner."

Jensen just chuckles as he leans in to bring their lips together once more and when his tongue pushes insistently against the seam of Jared's lips there's no hesitation this time and he forgets about dinner for the second time that night.

 Jared's always thought that Jensen's kisses are the best damn thing, like, if he could bottle the feeling he gets from the way Jensen's lips press just the right edge of roughly against his, then he'd be a pretty rich guy, because it's a heady feeling that Jared's come to crave. It always starts off slow like this, as if Jensen's afraid to spook Jared, or break him and Jared isn't sure which of those are the least offensive to him, but it only ever takes a flick of Jensen's tongue, a nip of teeth, or a hand pulling Jared incessantly closer to break that softness, that need to hold something back, and then he's assaulted with full-on Jensen. Jensen tastes of beer and M&M's and Jared finds himself licking a little urgently into Jensen's mouth to get himself more of a taste, knowing that it'll never quite be enough.

Jared's the first to initiate the shift from a not-so-innocent make out session into something a little more x-rated as he lifts Jensen fully from the sofa until he's straddling Jared's legs. Never breaking the kiss he jostles the two of them until he feels Jensen hard and heavy against him.

"Shouldn't get me so hot." Jensen says when he pulls back to press kisses along Jared's jaw, teeth biting into skin, bordering on painful but only sending Jared's arousal higher. "The way you man-handle me like that."

There are no more words as Jensen grinds against Jared just heavy breathing and drawn out moans, but Jared wants more, he wants skin, needs to feel skin but they're both still fully dressed and grinding on the sofa through their clothes like teenagers.

His fingers fumble with Jensen's buckle as Jensen's hand slides beneath the hem of his t-shirt, works over the expanse of his chest until he finds Jared's nipple and pinches it agonisingly tight between his fingers. Jared hears himself keen in response his own fingers becoming more insistent in their attempts to get at Jensen.

He's not sure how he manages it but somehow he gets Jensen's trousers unfastened, pushed down roughly below his ass along with his boxers and he finally, finally takes gets his hands on skin.

"Fuck." Jensen curses as he ruts into Jared's grip and then it's Jensen's fingers who are grappling with the button of Jared's jeans as Jared continues to work Jensen over. Jared lifts his hips slightly when Jensen accomplishes his task, pushing jeans and boxers half down his legs and he moans in relief as his dick is freed from the increasingly tight confines of his trousers. Jensen doesn't waste any time in getting his hands on Jared, just grips him firmly at the base and Jared's own hand falters at the sensation.

"Should go upstairs Jay." Jensen tells him. "Wanna feel you. Wanna be in you."

Jared's hips jerk at the thought of that, of having Jensen opening him up, working steadily inside him. He loves it, the fullness of it and the way Jensen builds it, slow and steady until neither of them can hold out, but that, he realises, he doesn't want that right now. Here, on the sofa, this is wild and a little out of control and Jared doesn't want to lose the moment by stopping, he just wants to keep on feeling exactly like this.

"No." Is all he says and he doesn't realise quite how forcefully it must have come out until Jensen's hand pauses on his dick and Jensen gets this little frown between his eyes.

"Later." Is all Jared can manage to get out in way of explanation, pressing a kiss to Jensen's furrowed brow and taking Jensen's hand off his dick. "Like this." He breathes out as he moves Jensen until their hips align, until Jensen's cock slides right against his own and he takes them both in the palm of his own hand. A stuttered breath leaves Jensen's lips as he shifts forward, trying to get as close to Jared as possible. And any thoughts of moving other than to cause more friction fly out the window.

It's fast and at times uncoordinated but it's hot as hell to see Jensen writhing above him, to feel Jensen's cock sliding against his own, both of them encircled by Jared's tight grasp. This is exactly what Jared wanted. He likes it when Jensen's in control, god knows, he pretty much loves it, but sometimes, he enjoys, no, he gets off on the fact that if he wants to he can make Jensen fall to pieces like this.

"Fuck Jared. Fuck." Jensen rhythm falters and Jared knows Jensen's close, knows he's about to lose it but he's not quite there and he wants this to last, wants them to go over together, so he shifts his hand to grip just the base of Jensen's cock tightly, eliciting a high whine from the man above him.

"Not yet." Jared pants as he holds Jensen there on the precipice, doesn't let him fall over.

He doesn't move his hand, or lessen his grip until Jensen mutters gruffly. "Okay. Okay." And he knows Jensen's gotten himself a little more in control now.

When they move this time, Jared's hands are on Jensen's hips, Jensen's gripping his shoulders and it's just them, just the feel of them sliding against one another, bodies pressed closer almost plastered against one another and Jared has a moment to regret not taking the time to fully get rid of each other clothes but then Jensen moves with more determination, twists his hips as he grinds against Jared and Jared feels the tension in his gut building steadily higher, curling hot and tight. He takes Jensen's mouth with his own, needing to feel one more connection with his lover, before pulling back and rasping out. "Now. Shit. Now." And that's all it takes, three words, and a few stilted thrust of hips, to have both of them cursing and spilling between them. It's slick and messy and Jared thinks it's damn near perfection as the aftershocks continue to wrack their bodies.

"So bedroom?" Jensen asks when their breathing evens out and Jared, sat there with his pants pushed to his knees and his shirt rucked up his chest, just laughs, full and open.

Afterwards as they lay in the quiet darkness, Jared listening to the steady breathing that tells him Jensen's sleeping, his mind finally switches back on. Thoughts of Jeff and weddings and San Antonio plague his mind although with less agitation than earlier and Jared looks over at his sleeping boyfriend and feels a wave of something close to gratitude spread though him, he can't believe how he got so damn lucky. He knows what Jensen did earlier, how Jensen used affection and lust to offset his panic and maybe he should feel bitter, annoyed, or something else he isn't feeling right now, for being able to be manipulated that way, but he can't be, because Jensen gave him just what he needed, a little space from his own mind for a while. He shifts in the bed, pulls Jensen closer to him and before closing his eyes thinks, yeah pretty damn lucky.


	12. Up And Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for this chapter taking so long. I got caught in my reversebang and this just kept sitting in my drafts. I think I've only got one chapter for you guys after this, and I promise not to take as long with it as I did with this one. Thanks for sticking around and for reading. I hope you enjoy it.

January bleeds into February, and the weeks seem to pass like hours, hours filled with hockey and Jensen. There are phone calls from Megan and Josh, just to ask how he is or talk about their week. There’re stupid texts containing nothing but half-hearted insults and Jared gets lost in the affection of it all, in the familiarity of it all, in having his family back. 

For the past few years of Jared's life he's learnt to enjoy the things he loves when he has them, he's learnt to value those moments because with everything he's been through he knows how easily it can all slip through your fingers and so that's what he does, enjoys it. Still, there’s this niggle of doubt in the back of his mind, you know the one, it whispers that things can’t be this great forever, that he can’t deserve all of this. He tries to push it down, tries to ignore it, but he can’t dismiss it completely.

Mid-February brings an invitation for Jeff’s wedding. It’s just sitting there in his mailbox, an innocent little letter, and then he opens the damn thing and it’s like a punch to the gut, the kind that sneak up on you when you’re least expecting it.

He’s had a lot of conversations in the past month with Jeff and not once has his brother asked whether he’s coming or not, Jensen hasn’t mentioned it since Jared had his little freak out over it either. He’d kind of just decided to not deal with it right now, to cross that bridge when it gets here. Staring at the manila envelope in his hands, Jared realises that that bridge is fast approaching. But not quite here yet, he reassures himself.

The whole thing has pretty much completely slipped his mind again, or maybe he's just trying really hard to not think about it, when Jensen sees the damn invitation sitting on the kitchen counter, no response yet made, and asks Jared about it. Jared just shrugs it off, says he isn't going.

"He obviously wants you there Jay." Jensen tries to convince him and Jared wishes he'd put the damn thing away, or in the bin, or some damn place where Jensen couldn't find it because this was exactly the conversation he’d been trying to avoid since it arrived.

"He probably just felt obligated." Jared shrugs. _Please let this go_ Jared prays without much luck.

"He wants you there." Jensen repeats, muting the TV and Jared realises this has suddenly become a serious conversation, damn his tidying up skills or well, lack of them.

"He'll be the only one." The words leave his mouth before he really thinks about them, but once they're out there he realises that however petulant they may sound they're also the truth, or at least he feels they are.

"You know that isn’t true, and it doesn’t matter anyway because _HE_ wants you there. Don't you wanna share this with him?"

Jared just stares over at Jensen, he hadn't really let himself think about it, in terms further than there's an invitation, but now he's thinking about Jeff and how he wants to keep working at being closer. And this is Jeff reaching out, right? It would only be fair for Jared to meet him halfway.

It's just, that that's really easier said than done. If it was just Jeff he could handle that, but this is his whole family, this is everyone that disowned him. Can he really step back into that world without breaking himself for good?

"Forget about everyone else that is going to be there Jay, and just think about you and him, I'm not saying you have to go, I just don't want you to miss out on this because you're afraid." Jensen's voice is gentle, almost soothing, as if he’s worried Jared might bolt any second. Jensen must know him pretty well. "And you wouldn't be alone you know. I could come or I'm sure Sandy would be there to back you up too."

There’s this weird lump in Jared’s throat that makes it difficult to get words out, so he just kind of nods back at Jensen. He’ll think about it. A little.

They drop the conversation for the next few days and even though he said he'd think about he really doesn't.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I spoke to Kripke about taking a couple of days between games to visit home.” Jensen tells Jared one Sunday morning over breakfast. “You know, so I can see everyone for my birthday. It’s easier, and less hassle, for them and us, then them all descending on Boston.”

Jared doesn't look up from the paper he's currently reading just nods in Jensen's general direction, it'll be nice for him to visit his family Jared thinks. Things sound like they've been better between them recently but Jared knows there’s still some tension there, a lot of it on Jensen’s side. He knows Jensen won’t relax until he goes home and sees that they still love him and that nothing is going to change.

"I asked Kripke if you could take a few days too, in case, erm, you know, you could come with me."

Jared does look up now, suddenly Jensen is far more interesting than the sports section. A thrum of elation spreads through him followed by palpitating fear.

"I'm not sure, I mean - is that really a good idea, Jensen?" Jared can’t stop the way his voice shakes just a little, giving away his discomfort.

Jensen falls down onto the sofa next to him, shoulder, arm, leg pressed tight to Jared's side and it's strange how having that closeness puts him just a little more at ease. 

"My mum, she's kinda been bugging me for a while about meeting you." Jensen says a little sheepishly, bumping his shoulder into Jared.

"Is going home with you really the best way though? I mean you haven't seen them for a while maybe it should you know, just be about you, and not us, when you see them." Jared's words are half meant, half 'oh-my-God-I-have-to-get-out-of-this-somehow' and when Jensen sighs,  Jared thinks he's maybe a little disappointed with the turn of the conversation which in turn makes Jared a little disappointed in himself.

"You don’t have to come, but you've got an invitation okay, and I'd -- I’d like you to come. Okay."

"I -- I'll think about it?"

And that becomes one more thing that Jared pushes to the back of his mind, telling himself he'll think about it all later. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

His bubble, the one he’s been living in the past month, is serving him well, everything he doesn't want to think about, like Jeff's wedding and Jensen's parents, he places firmly outside of the bubble. It seems like an excellent damn plan. It is. It serves him well until the universe decides to throw him another damn curveball that doesn't just burst his bubble, it brings it crashing down around him.

Everything in his world comes to a standstill the moment Jared picks his paper up a few mornings later, because there on the front page is his face and Jensen's face and they're close, stupidly close, like Jared’s tongue is in Jensen’s mouth close. Jared thinks he might be having a heart attack.

Sitting heavily on the sofa he wonders how this happened. Which is stupid, he knows how this happened, he remembers the moment exactly. Jensen had been ridiculously sweet and taken him out to buy beds and treats and food for dogs and Jensen had just been there, grouchy and annoyed and so done with Jared having to go _‘in every damn store’_. But he’d been there even grouchy and annoyed and Jared hadn’t been able resist.

But still he wonders why there had to be a damn photographer there and why it’s the better part of two months for the pictures to show up in the paper and dear god what the hell is Jensen going to say. That’s when Jared’s mind goes blank because... what the hell _is_ Jensen going to say? And why did Jared have to decide that Jensen had just been so damn kissable at that moment.

"Morning." Voice gruff and deep from sleep Jensen shuffles out of the kitchen, a cup of coffee in his hand and Jared almost jumps a little from his seat at the sound of that still half asleep sexy drawl. He has a moment to wonder if he should hide the paper, before he thinks better of it, this isn't something he can really hide.

"You need to look at the paper." Is all Jared says, an edge of dread creeping into his voice. Raising a brow Jensen slumps into the seat next to him.

Jared holds his breath. Keeps holding it.

And then Jensen sees it.

"Shit." 

Jared feels his heart drop.

"Shit!"

It's pretty much free falling.

"How the hell did this happen?"

It's about to be shattered, he can tell.

Jared doesn’t say anything, unsure whether Jensen actually wanted an answer or not. He just sits there, watching, as Jensen gets up and begins to pace, muttering to himself words that Jared’s not sure he wants to hear. The coffee sits forgotten on the table between them. This is bad. This is really bad. Jared wants his bubble back.

It takes Jared a while to realise that Jensen isn't just talking to the room any more, but there are words, being directed, at him.

"Your phone's ringing Jay."

Numbly Jared picks up the thing, doesn't even glance at the ID before accepting the call.

"So when were you gonna let me know about this little development?" Jerry's voice, filled with humour, asks him.

"Huh?" Is all Jared's currently addled brain can manage, Jensen's still pacing in front of him, but he notices that he keeps glancing Jared's way, that's a good sign right?

"You and Jensen? Didn't think that was something I'd need to know about?" Jerry's voice might be light, might be easy, but Jared detects a hint of, maybe, hurt just below it.

Jared looks helplessly up at Jensen, but the guy seems to be pacing faster and mumbling harder now and Jared has no fucking clue how to reach him.

"I didn't... I... It just. I'm sorry?" Jared's not sure if he's saying that to Jerry or Jensen.

There's a pause.

"It's okay kid. I'm happy if you're happy, Lord knows you deserve to be." And Jared knows the words are sincere, though he doesn't really think the Lord comes into it all that much but he holds his tongue, it'd probably just come across petty for him to point that out right now.

Then Jensen's phone is ringing too and he's answering it and leaving the room and Jared hasn't got a clue what he should do.

Jerry talks to him for a while, about their options and how they should handle this, but Jared's mind is elsewhere, out on the porch with Jensen. He thinks some decisions are made, or Jerry has a plan on how to handle this or something but Jared really isn't getting any of it and he hangs up without a clue as to what they just decided.

He wants to call Sandy, or Megan or even Jeff, he wants to do anything that means he can keep sitting here on this sofa, anything that keeps him from having to walk out the door and face Jensen's reaction to all this, but he puts down his phone, stands up and heads out to face the music anyway, because it's better to get this over with as soon as possible.

He finds Jensen sitting on the porch swing, hand idly stroking through Sadie's fur, watching Harley chase dust motes through the garden. It could be any normal day, Jared thinks, apart from the fact that it's not.

He sits heavily next to Jensen, careful not to touch him, suddenly unsure whether that's okay anymore. Jared doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything and the silence sits, stifling loud, between them.

"I'm sorry." Jared says when he can't take the quiet anymore and it's more of a plea than an apology. A plea of 'god please don't leave me over this'. Jensen turns to look at him, as if he's only just realised that Jared's there. There’s a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, and that's just enough for a spark of hope to light up in the centre of Jared's chest.

"Fuck. Don't be." Jensen shifts so their arms are touching, lays a soothing hand on Jared's thigh as he lets out a deep breath. "You shouldn't feel sorry about kissing me."

Jared doesn't really know how to respond to that, just lets out a confused "Okay."

"Earlier? That was fucked up of me man. I didn't even ask if you were okay with this." Jensen drops his head to his hands before peering up at Jared through tense fingers. "Are you okay?"

And just like that Jared doesn't really feel like he's freefalling any more, it's like out of nowhere he got this parachute or safety net or some damn thing that seems to ease that knot of terror he'd been trying to pretend didn't exist.

"Yeah. I'm good Jen." Jared pauses afraid to ask the next question but knows, without a doubt, he has to, whatever the outcome. "Are you? Okay? Me, I'm not really the big gay surprise anymore you know, so I know that this isn't easy to do."

And he does, without a shadow of a doubt, he remembers the terror he'd felt about letting the world see him, truly see him.

Somehow it'd been easier to face the world as a facade of himself, the threat of rejection, not really a threat at all, because how can a world reject someone they don't know. The lies had grown from merely covering up his sexuality to covering up the core that was Jared and that was fine, for a while. Until the lies he'd needed to get by seemed to weigh on him and all he could do was get tangled up in who knew which ones and eventually he began to believe them himself. He'd gotten to the point where he wasn't sure where the lies ended and he began.

So he'd made the choice. He'd gotten Jerry to get him an interview and though he never told his manager what he was about to do, Jared reckons the old guy must've known something about it, because he'd come down himself to the interview, and that was something they didn't really do, and he'd pulled Jared aside just before it was all about to start and said four words. 'Be sure about this.' and even though he'd felt sick with nerves, was scared beyond belief he'd never been surer about getting it out there. He just doesn't know if Jensen feels the same.

"It's not that I didn't want to tell people, it's not that I'm ashamed of this, of who I am, at least not anymore. I just..." He lets out a sigh a frustration and Jared inches a little closer to Jensen, offering support. "I wanted to do this a certain way. And it sounds ridiculous even in my own head, to think that I could have control over this."

He looks directly at Jared then. "I wanted my family to meet you. I wanted to have that before I had to share this with the damn world."

Jared nearly laughs at that, because hardly the whole world follow Hockey, but he holds his tongue because he understands that it might not be the eyes of the whole world on them, but to Jensen it feels like it right now and suddenly Jared knows exactly what he needs to do.

"I'll come with you." He says in a rush, mind made up and desperate to get the words out. Jensen just gets this quizzical look on his face, the one that suggests that he thinks Jared's losing his mind, and Jared just shakes his head and tries to start again.

"Richardson. Your family. I'll come."

"You don't need to do that Jay."

"It's not - This isn't - I want to okay. Don't question this, just let me."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

They sit in the quiet morning as rain falls around them, and really it isn’t quite warm enough to sit out here, but they do, breathing slow, as if everything might be okay, if they stay there, right there, nothing else exists.

"So, what are we gonna do about this Jen?" Jared asks, he’s starting to realise that living in a bubble doesn't work, because the real world is out there and it has a way of coming crashing in.

"That was Greg. Before." Jensen tells him and Jared recalls that Greg is Jensen's agent he thinks. "He says we should do an interview, get on top of all this, show we can be open about it and haven't got anything to hide."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 She’s wearing this red power suit, legs crossed at the knee, a smile toying with her lips she looks between the two of them. Jared thinks she looks formidable.

"Let’s get down to business.” Genevieve rolls her shoulders, pen tapping at her page, tape recorder sitting between them. Jared has a moment to question his sanity for agree to come here. “So the meet-cute? Bruin's training camp?"

Jared glances over at Jensen, a wry smile on his lips, maybe they should have talked more about which stories they don’t mind being public knowledge. They don't exactly have the Hollywood meet-cute Genevieve is probably imagining. When Jensen catches his eye though, Jared just inclines his head giving Jensen the opening to take the question.

Jensen scratches the back of his head, a nervous habit that Jared finds adorable, and Jared watches him assess his choice of answers. "No, erm, we actually met at Vermont."

Genevieve looks between the two of them in clear question, perched on her chair, intrigue written all over her face. "Vermont?"

"Yeah it was one of my last games at college, Terriers vs Catamounts.” Jensen turns to Jared, a wistful look in his eye. “Damn that was a good game."

"Man was I pissed that we lost that game, you were so lucky." Jared’s annoyance with losing had been brutal but it had faded to a fleeting memory when the hottest guy he'd ever seen had hit on him. When he looks at Jensen he can still see that boy in the makings of the man he now knows.

"Sore loser." Jensen smirks, poking him in the ribs with his elbow.

"So you've been together since then?" Gen butts in, and for a moment Jared had let himself become comfortable.

"No." Jared tells her, bringing himself back to the present. "There was chemistry between us you know, but I guess the timing wasn't right and then I ended up here this year and Jensen was here and then it just kind of happened." He finishes with a shrug, shifts slightly resting his arm along the back of the sofa across Jensen’s shoulders.

"So, I gotta ask Jensen. You're gay?" The question is direct, and they should have realised that an interview with Genevieve Cortese would pull no punches.

Jared squeezes Jensen's shoulder, offering him his silent support, he knows how big of a leap it is to say the words out loud and know the world is going to hear them.

"I'm - " Jensen starts and Jared wills him to just do it, his hand unconsciously squeezing a little harder. "Yeah. Yes, I'm gay."

"When did you know you were gay?" She pushes on, true professional that she is, quickly hiding the surprise of Jensen’s honesty.

"I can’t be sure, I was young, I know that, but I can't give you an exact age or date, I didn't wake up one morning and think ‘oh I'm gay’, it just -" Jensen gestures with his hands obviously frustrated with trying to find the right words and Jared thinks that here, he might actually be able to help.

"It's like any coming of age, you know, it's like, this gradual awareness, maybe you think ‘oh that guy is hot’ and then it kind of builds from there until you realise what that awareness means."

"And what happened when you realised what that awareness means?"

Jared chuckles humourlessly before continuing. "Then I made a decision, whether to acknowledge it or not."

"And you did?" The question is direct, a little too direct for Jared’s taste.

"Mostly." And he knows that sounds as non-committal as he's trying to be.

Gen cocks her head on one side and regards him seriously, Jensen now apparently forgotten. "Why?"

Well there's the million dollar question Jared mulls it over. Why? Because he thought that it would be okay? Because he was too damn naive to realise that life doesn't work out that way. Because he truly believed that when people love you unconditionally that's what they actually mean.

But he doesn't say any of those things, instead he settles for: "I didn't want to hide, I wasn't out officially until last year. I eventually came to the decision that I wanted to be honest, I didn't want to make it into something to be ashamed of, because I spent a lot of years thinking there was something wrong with me, no matter the support I had, and I knew if I got to the NHL and it came out then and I lost it all it would just add to that shame. I think I just wanted all of me to make it here, not just the pieces people chose to see."

Gen's hand is moving furiously over the page balanced precariously on her knee and Jared hopes everything he's saying is the right thing. Apparently she's content with his answer because she turns to Jensen now and Jared feels himself brace for his boyfriend.

"And you Jensen? You chose to ignore it?" somehow the question seems like an accusation to Jared's ears and he feels himself bristle even before she's finished asking it. Jensen rests his hand on Jared's thigh a sign for Jared to back down. He turns to Jared.

"It's okay" and Jared barely hears it, the words are whispered so lightly but he can't help the sinking feeling in his stomach easing at those words.

"I didn't ignore it, I just - I didn't want to be defined by my sexuality and that would have happened, it will happen now." He looks back at Jared a small smile playing across his lips as if he knows something Jared doesn’t. "And I can't be sorry about that. Do I wish this could've all happened differently? Sure, I wanted to do this on my terms."

"So you weren't hiding Jared?" Jared feels himself bristle again at that but manages to hold himself in check, and give Jensen the chance to answer.

"No, Jay hasn't even met my parents yet, it was going to become public eventually but I just wanted to have that before I shared him with the world."

Gen seems to visibly soften at that admission, before she puts her journalist head back on.

"So you've met Jared's parents?"

Jared feels himself visibly blanch and Gen eyes him curiously from the corner of her eye whilst her attention is still fixed on Jensen, she looks like she's got a bone between her teeth.

"No." Jensen says a little too forcefully. "But I've met his brother and sister, they're pretty cool."

"So your families knew you were gay then?" Gen directs at them.

"Yeah mine have since I was about seventeen." And Jared tries to push the uncomfortable thought of the last time he saw his parents from his mind.

Gen levels her gaze at Jensen waiting for his answer.

"Erm... No not until Jared I guess." He looks a little sheepish and Jared knows they both agreed to this interview but he doubts either of them really thought about just how invasive the whole thing was going to be. He's feeling like he's laid bare right now and that's just him, he has no clue as to how Jensen is feeling.

"How did your family deal with this Jensen, coming out as gay and having a boyfriend?"

"I have to say that I've got the greatest family. I didn't - their support was never really in question, it was more that, once they knew, I wouldn't be able to hide anymore and I was, I couldn't accept this about myself so I chose not to deal with it or acknowledge it, I think I naively thought it would just go away, I didn't want to be judged for something I know now I have no control over." Jensen pauses eyes sliding over Jared. "But then Jared happened and everything just kind of imploded on me."

"Sorry." Jared hears himself saying but there's a massive grin on his face as he utters the words.

"No you’re not." Jensen says with humour and Jared can't stop the laughter bubbling up out of him at that.

"I guess not." And before he can stop himself he's leaning forward and pressing his mouth to Jensen's, instinct and impulse overriding any brain function. That is until he notices the tell-tale flash of light that signals the photographer got that, it isn't lost on him how that's how this whole thing started.

He pulls back, glancing at Jensen to gauge his reaction but he's got those crinkles in the corners of his eyes as his smile hits Jared full force and Jared feels his face light up in reply.

Jared thinks Gen might be trying to hold back a squeal, which she succeeds in doing before gushing. "You two are pretty damn cute you know."

Jensen rolls his eyes a groan working from his throat. "Please do not use my name or his name and cute together in your article. I've got a reputation to maintain you know."

And Jared sputters laughter at that.

"So what do you two cuties get up to off the ice?" Gen asks.

"We do pretty normal stuff you know. Jared just, well a while back, he moved into a new place so me and the guys have been helping him get it all in order. Which reminds me I never did get a thank you for hauling your huge ass furniture around."

"I let you walk my dogs didn't I?"

"Excuse me, dog walking is something else you owe me a thank you for."

"Well I guess that would only apply if you actually walked them instead of getting walked by them."

And through the banter neither of them see the smile that breaks across Genevieve’s lips.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A bed, that’s all that Jared wants, he’d even compromise and have one where his legs have to dangle off the end, he just really needs to lie down and sleep for eternity.

"Nervous?" Jensen asks as they grab their bags off the conveyor belt. Well at least there's that saving grace, that he'll be decently clothed for the visit with Jensen’s family, he wouldn't have put it past whoever's in charge of his luck to lose his luggage.

"God yes." Jared admits wearily. "And I'm pretty certain I could sleep for about a week."

Jensen just chuckles. "That's what a quick trip will do for you. Come on man, I think Mack's picking us up, I'll distract her so you can nap on the way."

"My hero."  Jared mocks as he playfully pushes Jensen to the side.

"Don't forget it." Jensen drawls back.

 Jensen, it turns out, is no one's hero, because he lets Mack bombard Jared with a million questions on the, what seems to be never ending, drive.

She wants to know everything about Jared, her words running away about the game and Jared really isn’t in the mood to analyse the match, he just wants to fall face first into oblivion. But this is Jensen’s sister so he sucks it up for his boyfriend because he really wants to make the right impression.

Scrunched up in the back seat, he silently curses Jensen, surely they make cars for regularly sized people. He shifts and tries to lie his legs across the seat, but only succeeds in jarring his knee. He hopes Jensen realises he’s going to pay dearly for this.

“And that goal, that was an awesome shot, pretty much like your season to be honest.”

Jensen scoffs from the front seat at Mack’s words. “Since when did you become such a hockey fan?”

Jared glances forward, catches Mack’s eye in the rear view mirror and a blush works over her cheeks before she shifts her eyes deliberately back to the road.

“Ah it’s like that is it?” Jensen says in delight when Mack remains silent.

“Like what?” Jared’s got a clear idea he’s missing something, but his sleep-deprived brain isn’t able to connect any of the dots, it isn’t even really able to see the dots.

“Like -” Jensen’s air rushes out in an oomph as Mack’s fist connects with Jensen’s stomach. “- Nothing.” Jensen manages to finish.

Jared’s not quite sure what just happened, but he’s grateful for the silence the rest of the drive.

"I hate you." Jared grumbles when he finally gets the chance to unfold his legs from the smallest death trap, that Mack apparently calls a car.

"Sure you do." Jensen has the nerve to smirk. Smug bastard, Jared thinks, but his chance of calling him on it is lost as Jensen's mom swings the front door wide, rushing out to pull Jensen close.

“Let me get a look at you.” She fusses, releasing him and stepping back.

Jensen clears his throat and looks over at Jared.

“Mom.” He starts, takes a deep breath and continues. “This is Jared.”

Before Jared really realises what’s happening he’s got arms wrapped around him and warmth spreading through his chest at the sheer delight she’s showing at him being here.

“It’s lovely to meet you Jared.” She tells him when she finally unwinds her arms. “We’re just all so happy you could come.”

It’s a whirlwind of welcome as he’s ushered into the house. He watches Jensen’s face light up as his brother, Jared’s assuming, grabs him in a fierce hug. It reminds him of Jeff and the easy affection they used to share, he hopes someday they can get that back.

“Mr Ackles.” Jared holds out his hand as he greets the man standing next to him.

“Alan, son.” Jensen’s father says grasping the easy hand with none of the formality Jared was expecting.

“Long trip.” Alan muses.

“Yeah, it really was.” And Jared feels it getting longer by the minute. He just needs a minute to breathe. Turning slightly he looks for Jensen, notices him grappling with Josh.

“We caught the match.” Alan tells him, ignoring his sons wrestling. “Tough game.”

Familiar territory, Jared thinks, he can talk hockey with anyone, and feels himself relax just slightly.

“Yeah, I thought they had us beat, 3 minutes left on the clock and Jensen makes that shot. Man, me, the guys, we were so fired up after that and I guess it was just a race against the clock to win then.”

“Twenty seconds to spare.” Alan laughs.

“We might’ve cut it a little close.” Jensen cuts in and Jared laughs as he remembers the ecstasy of seeing that final shot hit the back of the net, hearing the resounding sound of the buzzer and then the agonising wait of watching the clock count down those last twenty seconds.

Jensen’s arm is slung low around Jared’s waist and Jared can’t help but want to squirm out of the embrace.

“Enough shop talk.” Donna tells them. “I saved you both some dinner if you’re hungry.”

Jensen catches his mother in a spin and presses his lips to her cheek. “I could kiss you!”

“You just did.” Mack deadpans, then scuttles out of reach with a squeal as Jensen reaches for her.

It seems to Jared that it’s never quiet at the Ackles.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~***~*~*~

“They’re nice.” Jared tells Jensen later, when it’s just the two of them in Jensen’s room.

“More like mental.” Jensen jokes, throwing his t-shirt in the direction of his holdall.

“I mean it Jensen.” Jensen turns to look at Jared. “They’re nice.”

Jensen mumbles something under his breath as he strips his trousers and Jared notices the hint of embarrassment in Jensen’s movements.

“Still.” Jared starts, hoping to ease whatever tension he just created. “I can’t deny the crazy.”

Which earns a laugh from his boyfriend before he finds himself tackled to the bed.

 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_Bright lights surround him, he can’t make anything out through the blur of colour. He smells the sweetness of sugar, can taste it on his tongue. The colours begin to shift, swirl together as a shape forms._

_Jensen stands in front of him and Jared can’t help himself he needs to reach out and touch. His hand isn’t quite steady as his fingers brush over skin, so soft, like touching air and Jared wonders how his hand doesn’t just go straight through him._

_The gentle brush of fingertips soon isn’t enough, there’s this urge in Jared to taste, drawing Jensen closer he teases their mouths into a kiss, but it isn’t the flavour that Jared’s come to know as Jensen that fills his senses, it’s the sweetness of candyfloss that floods his mouth._

_Jared’s body feels on fire, there’s an aching need in his stomach that just seems to keep on building. This strange hunger, it’s like he can’t get enough, like it can’t be sated and each taste of Jensen he gets just pushes it higher. Taking a step back to catch his breath Jensen cocks his head to the side in that way of his._

_“Go on.” He smirks. “Take a bite.”_

"Fuck!" Jared's voice sounds strangled as he jerks awake, to find himself face down on the bed, and jeez is that... "Fucking hell."

Jensen's tongue pushes against sensitive nerves and Jared can't help the mewl that falls from his lips.

"Shhh." He hears Jensen whisper, which acts like a cold bucket of water as his senses clear and suddenly he realises where he is. He twists beneath Jensen trying to escape.

"Jensen?" Jared asks hesitantly and Jensen finally stops working him over, head lifting slightly. "We can't." Jared tells him meeting Jensen’s eyes over his shoulder, the need he sees burning there mirrors the twisting want in the pit of his stomach.

 "Course we can."

"But -" Jensen doesn't give him a chance to finish that thought, just dives back in, before easing back.

"You're the only guy to ever bitch about having my tongue up their ass. So quit bitching or… I'll make you."

Jared thinks that was supposed to come off aloof, maybe a little domineering, but underneath the bravado he senses a hint of desperation and Jared doesn't understand what that is, but he realises Jensen needs this right now.

Jensen works him slowly to a fever pitch, with tongue and teeth and breathless words and Jared has to hold back every cry that tries to fall from his lips. He buries his teeth in a pillow and wonders how Jensen’s still taking him to places he didn’t realise existed.

His dick is trapped between sweaty skin and the rough cotton of the sheets, untouched and begging for a little attention. Jared’s hips shift forward hoping for a little friction, just to ease the worst of the tension, but Jensen’s vice-like grip holds him steady.

“Please.” He murmurs desperately into the pillow, not sure if he’s asking for more or for it all to stop.

Jensen’s body shifts over him, skin settling over skin and Jared breathes out a sigh of relief, finally. But Jensen just presses his nose against Jared’s neck, breath whistling out to draw goose bumps to the sensitive skin there.

He’s beyond desperate now, can’t help the pleas that are falling from his lips, any thought of being quiet lost. Jensen’s so close to him, dick hard, nestled in the crack of his ass and Jared shifts underneath Jensen trying to push him past the point of control.

It only earns Jared a chuckle, the vibration sending a new thrill over Jared’s already over sensitised skin.

And then Jensen’s pushing steadily inside. “Oh god.” Jared sobs at the sensation of being overly full, his dick still begging to be touched.

Jensen levers himself up, arms holding Jared’s above his head, and then he begins to move, deep long thrusts of his hips. There’re no words now, just Jared’s broken sobs and the sound of skin meeting skin.

He’s been close to the edge since he woke to Jensen’s talented tongue and it only takes the twist of Jensen’s hips, finding that sweet spot, to have him falling completely over the edge. Jensen lasts a little longer, the grunts of his pleasure a sweet melody to Jared’s ears before he feels Jensen join him in oblivion.

Jared struggles to catch his breath, to find some kind of equilibrium as Jensen rolls off to lie next to him. Shifting, he takes in Jensen, hair sticking up at odd angles, smirk teasing the corner of his mouth.

"Hmmm." Jared says, satisfaction evident in his tone. "Was dreaming."

Jensen quirks an eye, Jared takes it as an invitation to continue.

"You were made of candyfloss." Jared lazily smooths his palm across Jensen's chest, eyes closing, too tired to even lift his hand. "Tasted good."

Jared thinks Jensen's laughing and he finds some shred of energy to open his eyes just as Jensen's lips brush against his. "Man you're strange." Jensen tells him but Jared can only hear affection in his tone and slipping back into his own strange dream world he hums his agreement.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He’s exhausted when he wakes at some ungodly hour, the consequence of long ass flights and late night sex sessions, but Jared can’t grumble. He knows himself well enough to know there’ll be no more sleeping and moving from the bed, careful not to wake Jensen, he pads into the shower.

Lost in the bliss of water beating against his skin, he doesn’t hear the door open. Jensen's fingers wrap around him, giving a gentle squeeze and Jared has to hold back a yelp at the unexpected contact. His own hand wraps around Jensen's to stop the movement before he loses all coherency. 

"Jen." Jared starts the word coming out a little strangled. "We can't."

In response Jensen just squeezes him a little tighter and Jared closes his eyes, head back resting on Jensen’s shoulder, he's getting really close to forgetting why this is a bad idea.

"Your parents Jen, they could hear." He knows he hadn't really protested last night, but somehow in his sleepy haze and the darkness he'd forgotten about everything else that wasn't Jensen. But now, in the bright light of day, water sprinkling down on them and the soft hum of a woman singing floating through from below them, Jared suddenly realises where they are and what they're doing.

"So let them hear." Jensen says and Jared sputters on words in his mouth as Jensen pulls his hand from Jared's grip and starts to work him again. It's getting difficult to think up a reason against this when it feels so damn good.

"Fuck Jay." Jensen's breath fans out against Jared's neck as he sucks at the sensitive skin just below his jaw line. "Want everything. Wanna do everything with you."

Jensen's hand is damn persuasive as it twists up and down his cock, working Jared harder and faster.

"Should just tie you down and make you take it." 

Jared's hips jerk forward, dick sinking further into Jensen's grasp. 

"Nggr." Jared grits out, a groan rumbling from his chest and his muscles tense as he tries to hold himself back from the edge. He's never really thought about being tied down, not something that interested him but the way those words fall from Jensen's mouth like that just sends his body crazy.

Jensen chuckles against his skin, still working on that pressure point behind his ear. "Hmmm like the sound of that huh?"

Jared can't engage his brain to form words or at least to form words that aren’t an incoherent string of ramblings.

"Fuck." Jensen groans, pressing his body closer against Jared's, grinding himself against Jared’s ass, all the while his fingers still working Jared hard and fast.

"You make me crazy. Always wanna take my time, but you're just too tempting. But damn, if I had you spread underneath me like that, helpless, I'd do it. Take you to the edge and back until you couldn't even beg for it anymore."

Jared turns to face Jensen, his hands grip the short strands of Jensen's hair, pulls his face up as he crashes his lips against Jensen, whose hand works relentlessly not a hitch to his rhythm. It's a rough and hard tangle of teeth and tongue, quick licks and little nips and Jared feels like he's going crazy, pleasure curling tight inside him until he's sure it can't curl any tighter. But Jensen just keeps working him over, hand sliding up and down, twisting at the wrist as he moves over the head of Jared's dick, gripping just a little harder at the base on the down stroke as if he knows just how close Jared is to losing it.

And then Jared almost does as Jensen pushes back, sinks to his knees and takes him into the slick heat of his mouth in one smooth movement.

The sound of water beating down around them, Jared's heaving breath and strangled moans and the movement of slick flesh surrounds them. Jared's hands find Jensen's hair again gripping tight as Jensen takes him deeper and Jared's hips thrust forward the head of his dick pushing against the back of Jensen's throat. He tries to pull back, maybe mumble out an apology but Jensen just holds his hips hard against the cool tiles, swallows and Jared feels himself sink deeper into Jensen's mouth. It's too much, the sensation of Jensen's throat closing around the head of his dick as he swallows and Jared doesn't even have a chance to get a warning out before his orgasm rips from him. Muscles tensing, hands taking on a death grip, and hips pushing harder against Jensen's hold. And Jensen groans around Jared as the first spurt of come spills from him, making Jared squirm in Jensen's grasp as the vibrations send his pleasure higher. 

Jensen stays with him, works him through the aftershocks and just keeps on going until Jared eases him back his over worked dick too sensitive for more.

He feels languid, like his body's floating as Jensen stands up and kisses him, his taste lingering on the other man's tongue and if Jared wasn't so fucked out that would turn him on.

It takes a while for him to fight through the haze of damn that was good and work a hand between their bodies, but when he finds Jensen, he's soft and Jared pulls back from their kiss to look at his boyfriend an eyebrow raised in question.

"Did you?"

 Jensen just shrugs his shoulders, a slight blush working at his cheeks as a sly smile works across his face and he presses his lips against Jared's once more. "It was hot okay."

And that blows Jared's mind. Jensen just got off on nothing more than his mouth around Jared's dick and Jared's moans of pleasure. And that's crazy, it makes Jared feel crazy that he caused that, it also makes him feel a little powerful too.

Emotion bubbles in his chest and his mind is screaming at him to just say it to just tell Jensen he loves him, that he wants every day to be just like this, that he wants the two of them together. But they're both naked standing under the now cold spray of the shower and this isn't, this can't be the right time for this, or so he tells himself. And so he doesn't say any of those things just kisses Jensen back, pouring himself into it, hoping that that says it all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“You boys sleep well?” Donna asks, when they’re finally presentable enough to go down for breakfast. There’s a hint of knowledge to Donna’s words and Jensen has to hold back a chuckle at the blush that spreads across Jared’s cheek. He wonders which part of the night, or morning just flashed through Jared’s mind.

Unfazed Donna pats Jared on the cheek, before scolding Jensen. “Your boy needs more sleep.” She turns back to the batch of pancakes she’s whipping up and Jensen knows his grinning like a fool.

“I think she loves you more than me now.” Jensen jokes and watches Jared’s blush deepen further.

"God, I love you." Jensen doesn't think as the words spill from his lips but once they're out he can't be sorry for them, because they're the truth and sure maybe telling your boyfriend you love him, in your childhood kitchen while your mother looks on, isn't the most romantic way of saying it but it feels real. 

It feels like an age before Jared lifts his head to look at him and Jensen's half terrified of what he might find there, but there's a smile, one of those big, dimple in full force, I can't help but smile back smiles on Jared's face and Jensen's heart stops it's thundering as relief courses through him because Jared might not be saying it back, but all he sees is love in those eyes and that face as it stares at him in wonder. Jensen takes a step forward, presses his mouth against Jared's because he just needs one taste. 

When he pulls back, eyes still locked with Jared's he tells him. "I mean it, I love you."

Jensen sees Jared swallow, the tell-tale wetness in his eyes and Jensen knows Jared's close to tears, so he doesn't push it any further just turns to his mother, whose eyes are also far from dry. "Need help with breakfast Mom?" He asks and she clears her throat, steps forward to press a kiss to his cheek, then steps towards to Jared, who's still rooted to the spot and presses a kiss to his cheek too. It warms Jensen's heart to see her accepting the man he loves like that.

"Welcome to the family Jared." She says, then turns back to Jensen. "You could start on the toast if you like Jensen."

And just like that the moment passes and things descend back into the normal chaos that is breakfast at the Ackles. 

“Why don’t you come out front Jensen? I’ve got something you can look at for me.” Donna says after breakfast and Jensen finds himself outside on the porch with his mother before he can protest.

 “What are we doing out here mom?” Jensen asks. “I know you well enough to know there’s nothing that needs fixing out here, or that you’d trust me with fixing it anyway, so don’t try to pull that one on me.”

Donna chuckles, and gestures for him to sit on the steps with her. She takes a few moments before she speaks.

“I think we should talk about things, Jensen.”

The words hit him like a fist to the chest and he feels himself stiffen, he thought things were okay, he thought she’d accepted Jared, accepted him.

"You know this was never about us not loving you or accepting you, you know that right?" She asks him and Jensen just shrugs because really he's not sure what he thinks anymore.

She reaches out a hand, presses gentle fingers against the sharp jut of his jaw and turns him slowly to face her. 

"It's never going to be easy." She tells him. "That was the first thing I thought. And then, I'd always imagined you'd get married, to a nice girl and bring her home for holidays, and you'd give me grandkids, little mini-you's and I'd get to see them grow up and suddenly this whole life that I'd dreamt up for you, that I’d been imagining it was just gone Jensen, and my heart broke a little for it.”

She pauses, looks out over the front garden before turning back to him, a bittersweet smile on her lips.

“But none of that matters now, because you've got this life, my baby, you've got Jared and I see how happy he makes you and I realise nothing I'd dreamt up for you would've made you happy like he does, and that's all I want. I just want you to be happy."

There are tears staining her cheeks and Jensen brushes one away follows it with a delicate kiss, and something that had been revolting in his stomach settles with her honesty as he finally understands. They accept him, and they love him, and it's all going to be okay. 

"I'm happy Ma. So damn happy. I love him."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It takes two hours of panic rising in his chest before Jared can break away from the group and escape to the safety of the bathroom. Sitting on the edge of the bath he digs his phone from his pocket and dials Sandy’s number.

“He loves me.” Jared hears himself say in a hushed whisper, a voice so full of desperation and fear it can’t possibly be his.

“Jared?” Comes groggily back down the line.

“Damnit Sandy, he loves me.” And now it’s full on panic.

“Why are you whispering?” Sandy asks him.

“Erm…”

“Are you hiding?” She accuses.

“No.” Jared says indignantly.

“'Course you are.” He imagines her pushing her hair from her face and rolling her eyes at him. “So, he loves you and you’re freaking out.”

“Of course I am!” Who wouldn’t be Jared thinks. “He just… said it. In front of his mom!”

“Aww.” She coos.

“Don’t aww. This is not an aww moment.” Jared feels his frustration rising along with that panic.

“Of course it is, you’ve got a guy who loves you and is sharing you with his family.” She sighs. “The only crisis is the one you’re making, which is bullshit. So I’m going to tell you to let yourself be happy and then I’m going to hang up on you.”

To which the line goes dead and Jared is left sitting on the edge of the tub, none the wiser.

 

 


End file.
